There's no trigger warning, because I'm not suicidal; as sick as I've been, I've never been suicidal in my life, and I suppose I should be grateful for that.

I'm 46, I've survived more than 25 years of exceptionally disruptive and damaging mental illness; I have fulfilled my obligations to support my parents and provide for my wife and my wife's parents despite my handicaps, and I am sick of being sick. The last depression I had was of unprecedented length and depth, and the subsequent hypomania brought on by the stress of life in a challenging and entirely self-directed position in an expensive city has become dangerous to me and to those around me. At the same time that I profit from the boosted activity and performance granted by mania, I embarrass and dishonor myself with my barely concealed irrational psychotic aggression.

I don't want to do this anymore: meds that don't work; symptoms that never go away; side effects; friends and relatives who outright abandon you or must make constant allowances for your shortcomings; stigma and shame. A long time ago I had pride and respect in myself. Now, I'm a casualty, and, given my initial potential, I find my failure appalling. I am appalled, I tell you. My therapist has told me repeatedly that blaming myself for my pathological behavior is just a mechanism of denial, and that makes impressive sense, but I haven't been able to internalize it.

Global warming, the permanent radionuclide-outgassing facility kept under wraps by the Japanese at Fukushima ("Tōkyō 2020!", peep the emasculated, humiliated and thoroughly irradiated defeated imperialists), the depletion of the oceans, the failures of central bank monetary policy and the inevitable breaches by Russia and China in American economic and military hegemony, not to mention the Burning House of War (comprised of Turkey, Syria, Israel, Saudi, Iran, Lebanon, the Palestinians, Iraq, the Kurds, the Houthis, the Yazidis, ISIS, the Taliban, the Sunnis, the Shia, the Wahhabis. Muqtada al Sadr and all superpowers who would use them as proxies), should keep me awake and horrified and scrambling to survive from upheaval to crisis until the lethal pancreatitis described in Depakote's black box warning comes to claim another 1800 mg/day consumer; I just had an irrepressible impulse to declare tonight in my 500th post that I have officially had enough of bipolar disorder and wish to terminate our relationship at its earliest possible convenience. We're through.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Lefty: There's a lot in your post the Skeezyks can relate to. I'm a bit older... (actually I'm quite a bit older...) But I share your distress... life among the ruins... I send warm hugs with the hope that, in some way, you will be able to find deep peace within...

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs, lefty.

[hopeless2015]

HUGS lefty

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

You're a talented writer, Lefty! Do you write for a living? I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated with bipolar and weary of the struggle. It sounds like you're high-functioning with all your family responsibilities. It must be a tremendous weight. I just have a dog and am doing well in circumstances of low-stress. I used to be a computer programmer for the government and be married and have all sorts of family obligations. I felt numb from all the demands. When my favorite cat died i hardly shed a tear i was so overwhelmed by my unmanageable life.

Now i have a new life tho and it's very rewarding, just my dog and i.

Your last paragraph talked about world problems. I used to care a lot about that and be a political activist. I was part of a political collective and went to marches and rallies and protests. I was a member of the Young Communists and we called each other, "Comrade."

But i gave that all up and ignore the news now because i have my own problems. I don't have the personal resources to care about things that i can't do anything about. One day i realized i was not upset by the NATO war in The Balkans -- i was heartbroken about my divorce. I realized i have plenty to deal with just managing my own life and i've never looked back. I'm a lot happier now.

[Nammu]

If only we could get a divorce from BP!

[jacky8807]

I hereby terminate my relationship with bp as well!!!
The divorce papers are in thee mail

[Unrigged64072835]

Yeah, I remember looking at the fragments of my shattered career a few years ago. Then the frantic scrambling for disability benefits. Then my mania kicked in and we were going to Montana come hell or high water. Thankfully (or not) that didn't happen. Responsibilities came and went, and other responsibilities took their place. Now I'm just a bum, holding my breath until the next disability review comes in.

If only it were that easy to divorce oneself from BP.

Hugs to you and I hope you'll be able to recover soon.

[Standup2me]

Lefty, you have touched my heart. I have been feeling this same way for some time now. I want to divorce BP and humanity itself.
We steal from, rob and kill our Earth Mother.
We pollute her waters and complain about no fish to eat
We cut down trees to make newspapers that nobody reads, and then we shake our fists about global warming.
When do we stop being spoiled selfish brats and start giving back?
I am ashamed

Thinking of you. xo

Have you tried a lot of meds?