[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

So I came across a picture on FB that one of my brother's posted today. Neither of the two of them (they're both older) post personal things often. I actually can't even remember the last time either of them did.

Anyway, the pic was a family photo from long ago...specifically, when my 2nd brother was maybe almost a year old, which was years before I came along. It's actually a great picture - everyone looks great in it.

So why is it triggering me!? It's making me feel like I should never have been born - like it was some idyll that is a revision of history or something. And having that feeling makes me feel like a damn 12-year-old in the early throes of female hormonal drama. It's ridiculous. But it's there. Ugh.

There's also the bit where my brother tagged my other brother in the photo, and the two of them are besties, and I really just feel like neither of them can be bothered most of the time to remember they even have a sister. And if I did disappear, it would be no skin of either of their backs. I'm stuck with feeling either insignificant or inconvenient to them most of the time. And I don't know how to stop caring about this, so I stay in this stupid 12-year-old frame of mind. And I wonder if it would just be easier to disappear after all - not in the permanent sense, but in the connection to family sense; dropping the line and all that.

Don't know why I'm posting, exactly, except that I hate feeling like I'm the part of the family that they would rather forget about AND I don't feel like this is worthy of mentioning out loud to anyone. If I was objectively listening to me, I would think it's irritating and juvenile.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Has anything else been going on today?

Maybe some emotions are just carrying over into this situation? I know when I'm tired for example that I get super emotional!

[MusicLover82]

I don't know how to do a proper quote but this seems to be the heart of why it is bothering you:

"There's also the bit where my brother tagged my other brother in the photo, and the two of them are besties, and I really just feel like neither of them can be bothered most of the time to remember they even have a sister. And if I did disappear, it would be no skin of either of their backs. I'm stuck with feeling either insignificant or inconvenient to them most of the time. And I don't know how to stop caring about this, so I stay in this stupid 12-year-old frame of mind. And I wonder if it would just be easier to disappear after all - not in the permanent sense, but in the connection to family sense; dropping the line and all that."

These seem like real feelings, not "just" an episode. It seems that the picture reminded you that you feel "left out" of sibling bonding. Do you have a therapist you can discuss these issues with? In the meantime, I recommend doing something productive that helps you release the bad feelings, like something creative and cathartic such as art or singing or a physical release like exercise. HUGS!!

[JustJace2u]

Hope you feel better soon.

[OctobersBlackRose]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but t I want to send you positive vibes and hugs.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Thanks everyone! I think you're totally right, MusicLover82; it's absolutely larger than an 'episode'. I did talk about this with my T when I was seeing her, but I honestly can't remember what she said about it and whether she offered any advice or not. I'm sure she did, but we were also working on more practical stuff for my life at the time.

So, I had a great dinner with my kids, watched a cooking show with them online before their bedtime, had a couple small glasses of wine, and went to bed. I slept in today, then had a busy morning (including exercise!), and went to a local festival with kids & puppy. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good, except when I think about that post. It really just hits one of my buttons, I guess. I don't know if it's worth trying to get back in with my T or not. At some point, I really need to let go of the fact that I don't have a close relationship with my siblings, despite them having a close relationship with each other. Looking forward to thinking of something fun to do with the kids again tonight, instead of perseverating on this (I hope!). Avoiding problems is a healthy way of doing things, right?