[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I have tried looking around the internet for some idea, but I'm coming up empty. I'm worried about my son - he's almost 7. He has a hard time sometimes handling his emotions - we call it 'big emotions,' & he's pretty good about identifying when they're forming and letting me know if he's having a hard time controlling them. We work on calming techniques, reducing external stimuli, etc. I have felt like these things are in the range of developmentally normal and we have had a handle on helping him to self-regulate.

Recently, his reactions to anger/frustration/hurt seem like maybe they are beyond the range of what is developmentally appropriate. Here are a couple of examples:

His older sister didn't respond to him in the car; he threatened to throw something of hers out of the car (we all know it was an empty threat). She responded by telling him she doesn't like him making threats about her things. She mentioned that she didn't find it nice, especially since she had just loaned him her money to buy a snowcone at the event we were at. The three of us discussed strategies for him to get her attention better, as well as ways she can be more open to interaction. It felt handled to me - no big emotions, no blame, looking forward to how everyone can work to a better outcome next time. Well, when we got home, he was in a major mood, refusing to get out of the car. I was emptying the car and bringing our stuff inside to put away, listening for when he decided to come in. 5 minutes later, he finally stormed in, making a loud show of how upset he is. My daughter tried to talk to him, to no avail. He started yelling about how he is stupid and dumb, over and over (this negative self-talk has been creeping up more and more when he gets upset). Then he took the candy from a recent birthday party and all his money (some loose bills and his piggy bank) and put them on the nightstand in my daughter's room. I went to lay down with him and talk it over. He told me he NEEDED to give her those things in order to feel right. While he was talking it over, he was rhythmically tapping his fingers together against his thumbs, back and forth.

The next day, at a friend's house, he was upset at how his sister and friend were bossing him around. He came out to where I was and was doing the finger tapping again while trying to calm down.

Another time, he got so mad about an interaction with his sister that he went outside and yelled at us (repeatedly, and for about 10 minutes) to lock him outside. I refused for awhile, but he got more and more upset. I finally locked the door he was at and went about emptying the trash in the house. When I was done (5 minutes?) he was seriously upset that he hadn't been able to get inside (only at that door). He was through the anger, then, so I tried to talk it through with him. He was furious with his sister, and wanted her to feel bad/to be punished. When I mentioned that he was the one he was punishing, not her, and that he was the one who was feeling bad, he denied that, saying that SHE was the one who was punished, and SHE was the one who was locked out. I still don't get what happened there in his mind.

Relatively often (once or twice a week?), he gets upset and gets into the cycle of "I'm STUPID!", "I'm DUMB", or "I HATE MYSELF!" Sometimes, he says things like he wishes he wasn't real, or that he wishes nothing was real. I don't know what to do with that.

Mostly, I try to physically calm & comfort him, or respond to him when he's using negative self-talk by saying that I love him enough for both of us right now, or that I don't believe he's stupid or dumb. I talk a lot about how everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes it's really hard to separate our choices or actions at one point in time from who we are as people. I tell him that I make mistakes sometimes as a mommy, but I think I'm still a good mommy. And that even when he or his sister make a mistake about how they treat each other, that doesn't mean they aren't loving, or loved, or smart, or kind, or compassionate. I don't know how to move him out of this idea of absolutes - that one unkind act/statement doesn't mean someone is an UNKIND PERSON. We talk about how being a child means learning about the kind of person you want to be and how a lot of that happens through trial and error, but maybe he's too young to really get that yet.

I'm mostly worried about the self-punishing, the thought that what he did to himself was actually happening to his sister, and the general idea of him not wanting to be real. Does anyone have any insight into this? I'm not looking for diagnoses, obviously, but I'm wondering if these are red flags I need to follow up on with a professional. I don't know what's normal in general and what isn't - all I know is how my daughter was at this age; that's not a large sample size. I don't want to search for labels for my son or misidentify typical behaviors as worrisome ones, but I also don't want to ignore authentic warning signs and not get help when it's important.

[scatterbrained04]

Hey....first off ((((hugs)))) I know how hard it is emotionally to have a child that punishes himself and speaks poorly of himself. It's heartbreaking.

My son started exhibiting this in kindergarten and would also say he was going to kill himself, hit his head, etc. That year he was diagnosed with ADHD/ODD and put on an "emotional disturbance" IEP. In other words, he likely has emotional/mood issues aside from ADHD that no one wants to diagnose at a young age. He's now 11 and it seems like it's kind of died down a good deal, but he clearly still struggles with self-esteem.

I think your son could benefit from some help. He may not get or even have a diagnoses but may benefit from therapy to help with self-esteem and such.

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents. I don't have any "normal" children to base my knowledge on, so I'm curious what others have to say.

[OctobersBlackRose]

I dont have any advice, but want to send you some hugs

[Rabbity9]

I work with kids in a behavioral health hospital. First of all, I want to say props for doing what you can to raise emotionally intelligent kids. Your daughter's responses to her brother sound very mature and thoughtful, and it seems like you're really trying to guide them to identify emotions and understand that feelings are normal, even bad ones.

Kids can certainly be dramatic about things and respond to situations disproportionately. That's pretty normal, but your son's responses do seem more dramatic than is typical for a seven year old. That, and the negative self talk, suggest that he could probably benefit from some therapy and possibly other treatment.

The good news is that even if he does turn out to have a disorder, the emotionally intelligent, stable home environment you've given him and early therapy intervention gives him an excellent prognosis. Early intervention and a stable home are some of the best assets for a kid with mental health issues. You're doing a good job

[KarenSue]

((NoIdeaWhatToDo))

Sounds like you are a great mom, and a logical, critical thinker (not to mention, patient). I have no experience that matches what you are going through, but a couple of things come to mind that were a help to me.

I feel it is important to point out that a behavior is not the person. There is a distinct difference. We all do what we'd think is stupid, but does not make us, as people, stupid, etc. It seems like you have covered that, but not in the same words.

My mom shared this with me about his age: "You are not better than anyone else, but you are just as good". A phrase I still think of when I need it. JUST AS GOOD!

Will be thinking of you and your family.

[Wonderfalls]

You are doing everything right, but it sounds like you could use some help too. I would consider having him checked by a psychologist (because that's who gives tests). He can make referrals to psychiatrists or therapists if he thinks that's necessary.

My son has mild Aspergers; when he was little there was no one out there who could help. (This was well before the deluge of autism material) We had him checked by an incompetent psychologist:who had no clue. So no help there, since we couldn't afford testing by another psychologist.

I had to do what you are doing, ie make things up as I went along.Your son is lucky to have you for a mom.

You are very loving and patient. I think you should arrange a consultation with a specialist if only for your own benefit. You and he and your daughter all deserve to hear a professional's opinion as to what's going on and if anything can be done about it.

[Daonnachd]

With our boys, both when they were little and now that they're in high school, when needed we remind them that in every situation the goal is to put people first, rather than focusing on things. "People first" has become a sort of watchword to remember how we treat others. It's applicable across many situations. ...but to add to what others has said, you are already doing an excellent job.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Thanks, everyone - I've set up an appointment with an MFT to discuss this through my work's EAP. I get up to three sessions, and we can identify an appropriate referral from there if we need it. My husband is able to go to the first session with me, so we can be on the same page in terms of understanding what's going on and how to work with our son on it.

I so appreciate all the support offered here - it's so validating to have people in my corner who can appreciate my concerns and help reassure me when I'm needing it. I also value the great advice here - KarenSue, I love the JUST AS GOOD thought, and Vertigo, I think People First will become a focus in our home...what an excellent idea! That underlies so much of what we try to teach & model for our kids; it's the perfect way to approach so many decisions about relationships, conflicts, etc.

I'm hoping our appointment goes well and we can get something helpful out of it. This MFT doesn't specialize in young children (none in our EAP system do), but at the least, she can provide me with a referral to someone who can evaluate him if needed. I need a starting point.

One positive is that I emailed his teacher & aide last night to give them a head's up about the negative self-talk particularly, and to see if they've noticed anything at school as well as keeping an eye out. They both replied, and neither has noticed any of these behaviors at school. I have a long relationship with the aide (she was the aide in my daughter's class for 3 years), and I trust both her and the teacher. It's a pretty nurturing school setting, so I'm glad to know that he's not having challenges in the classroom. I'm wondering is this is partially triggered by exhaustion - I'll keep an eye on the circumstances leading up to outbursts and see if there are other commonalities that we might be able to work with.