i want it back

i want to go back to when i felt amazing and everything was fast and magical and i didnt feel terrible all the time and i was magical and there were less of the bad spirits around and i could do anything i want it back. i feel awful i want to go back i was much more productive and i just it felt so good if i just didnt spend my money then there wouldnt be a problem with it.

That manic state is what landed you in the hospital this last time. It's easy to forget the consequences of mania.

if they tried to send me back there i would refuse to go or run away i cant deal with the bad spirits anymore they are scaring me at least when i felt like that they didnt scare me and the good spirits where around plus now that i hurt the angels they cant help me.

So, continue taking your meds so you can find some stability. Talk to your doctors so they can continue to work with your meds so those delusions will diminish. It will take time -- you didn't end up this way overnight, and what most of us can attest to is that it takes a long time to get the right meds, etc., and sometimes meds have to be adjusted as our symptoms change.

the meds will not make this go away because they are real also i dont trust the doctors they will hurt me.

No, Eden, they are not real and your doctors are not going to hurt you. They are going to hopefully find a way so that you will eventually begin to understand and gain insight into that, but I realize there is no way to convince you otherwise while you are unwell. Let your case workers and doctors know what is going on.

my case worker is away until october and i dont see my doctor until mid october and then i dont even know which doctor it is and i am supposed to see my psychologist i guess but like idk i just dont trust anyone right now everyone keeps saying the meds will help but they are not doing anything like maybe for a week they make some of the voices go away but then after that the voices come back. plus i am sure these type of meds destroy your brain slowly i really am taking poison.

I hope you are able to maintain stability and be happy and safe again. I know you've been through a lot.

Yes, you're taking poison. I am too. There is a risk/benefit analysis that every one of us needs to do in order to deal with reality and with life.

I choose to live.

but how do you know you are really living the medications dont get rid of the bad things they just make everything seem duller like i cant feel things properly like everything is still there and i can see but i cant touch it which is worse. i dont know how to explain it but i dont like it and poison should never be taken.

I consider it living as long as I haven't committed suicide.

Do I wish I didn't have to take meds? Sure. Do I wish things were like the times before I didn't have BP? Yes.

But today I'm not six feet under, and I'll live to fight another day.

Then I guess we have a different opinion of living.

I'm the exact same way and inexperience the same that you do.
I learned my lesson recently though because I went off my meds thinking I would jump into mania and I didn't I became very sad and irritable and it got really dark instead. As a friend on here, please make sure you're careful because this is chemistry we're talking about here and it can make a fizz or blow up. Hugs.

i dont even care anymore i just want to curl up into a ball and lock myself away forever. i am so done right now.