[PeripheralNerve]

Hello,

My girlfriend is type 2 bipolar. We've lived together for about 15 months. I've been with her through some of her bipolar episodes and helped her through some rough times adjusting to meds. I thought I'd had a handle on things until recently.

Recently she's been darker than I've ever seen her. She constantly talks about how nothing or no-one matters, how pointless everything is, and how she would rather be dead if she ever had the strength to end her life. I try to weather this, but she also laces her nihilistic diatribe with insults, telling me to go away, how I'm better off without her. She tells me she could simply leave and not come back or just throw herself headfirst into some other relationship so she feels alive again.

I'm really torn. Part of me wants to commit to supporting her regardless of what comes out of her mouth (Accepting it as the product of a depression she's trapped in), the other part of me doesn't want to invest the time or energy if her depressed exclamations hold a kernel of truth. It's been a few months since we've been intimate and she tells me that any show of affection requires effort on her part.

In short, I don't know how much effort I should be investing anymore. Any opinions on if this sounds like bipolar or something more relationship oriented would be welcomed.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Welcome to PC, PeripheralNerve. I hope you're able to find some support around here, like so many of us do. It sounds like you've been very supportive and understanding about your girlfriend and her illness so far - that's wonderful of you. If she's in a down turn, and she's already on a medication regime, it may be something that can be managed through her care team with an adjustment to her medications. Many people here use that as a first course of action when their mood starts to get too high or too low for them to cope day to day.

On the relationship side of things, I'm about to be very honest with you about my personal experience, as a married woman with BP2 whose husband is supportive of me and my illness. I want to be very clear up front, that MY experience may not be anything like your girlfriend's experience. No one of us experiences our BP in the same exact way as any other.

I completely identify with the actions & statements you describe. When I'm in a deep depression, it colors everything, including how I feel about my husband of over a decade. Affection and intimacy are INCREDIBLY challenging - the amount of effort that takes feels insurmountable. It's also very challenging for me to retain any positive feelings, so the intimacy and affection we do share when I'm depressed doesn't feel like intimacy or affection to me, and I don't have lasting positive thoughts of it. I also think the things she is saying to you routinely. I manage not to say them out loud, but the thoughts are there all the same.

When I'm not depressed, I am ashamed of how I feel & act while depressed. I love my husband dearly - he's the best man I know and the best father to our kids. He's incredibly supportive of me, and I would do anything for him. I wish that I could remember or access those thoughts and feelings while I'm depressed, but it's like they're locked away so tight I can barely remember that they were ever there at all.

When I'm depressed, I really wish he had never married me at all. I think it's an incredibly unfair burden to him to have to ride through all this with me. I wish I had had more episodes, and more severity to them, before we were married; sometimes I feel like he got trapped into this without knowing the entirety of what it would be like. I feel like I have ruined his chances at happiness, and that there are a million women out there who would make him happier than I can. I also wish, in those periods, that I didn't feel so indebted to him, and that he didn't love me so much so that I could feel less pressure to stick it out in this life.

When I'm not depressed, I'm so thankful he did choose to marry me, and thankful for the life we have together.

I don't have any advice to give you about whether you should stay invested in this relationship. Only you can answer that. From my experience, my husband will have to deal with my BP for the rest of our lives (assuming he continues to stick it out, which he assures me he will). He does get the good parts of our relationship when I'm up, but I've honestly had years-long depressions that have been a terrible strain on our connection...whether up or down, I would completely understand if he decided that he couldn't deal with it any longer. It's got its bright points, but the depths will always be there as well.

Good luck to you in your decision - ultimately you'll have to do what works for you in this scenario.

[st0psign]

I'm a type one, and I do the same kinda stuff in a relationship. I think BP people tend to self sabotage. I've said some of the same things to SO's, but deep down all I want is someone who will stay with me through it all. to me its like it doesn't feel fair to subject someone else to having to deal with me when I'm in an episode, and that's why I say things like "you would be better without me". Ultimately it comes down to you, and your choice. but coming from someone else with BP I think I would want the person to stay, or at least try to. I know it can be hard, but she probably just wants someone who will stick with her through it. and the hopelessness IS just the depression talking, you're right.

Cant tell ya what to do though... hope this was a bit insightful.

I can't comment on your relationship, but I've been feeling very guilty lately as my bipolar disorder has been getting less predictable and more severe, and although my wife of 8 years doesn't complain, she definitely didn't sign up for this. We've known each other for 17 years, and I now feel that I should have borne more accurate and foreboding warning labels when we first met, like the anti-hero in Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash had "Poor Impulse Control" forcibly tattooed on his forehead. It seems unfair that she should have to endure all this grief and tumult and their ramifications along with me. No two bipolars are alike; your girlfriend could respond to treatment and regain full function, or the disease could subside over time, but the typical story is that the disease has no cure, rarely subsides and can cause an astonishing amount of harm to identity, relationships, trust, finances, families, careers, aspirations and expectations. Effective treatments are hard to find because everyone responds to treatments in their own way, and treatments may exert significant uncomfortable side effects, as you've already experienced. Please forgive me for what must seem like a very negative response coming from what should be a place of support, but I think that you should approach this situation with your eyes wide open. Bipolar disorder is an insidious danger to the patient and all that love and/or depend on them. I'm not advising you to abandon your girlfriend; I am only compelled by my own experiences to warn you that the threat is real.

[st0psign]

well that was dark

[bioChE]

My wife is a saint to have stayed with me through all she has. If we weren't married and I knew then what I know now, I doubt I would have gotten married. My BP has caused tremendous strain and pain, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

If your gf can't find effective treatment, my suggestion would be to cut your losses.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

PeripheralNerve, I want you to know that while we deal with a lot of very serious issues on these boards, we can also be a fun, supportive, uplifting bunch as well. I think many of us are sensitive to the question of how BP affects relationships, because we can hold a lot of remorse, guilt or shame about how our BP has affected those we love. I would give anything in the world to be able to love my husband the way he deserves all the time. I WANT to be able to do that. And he understands that, which is why we have worked well together so far. And he has been an amazing support for me, both with my BP and everything else we've faced in our marriage. When I've been in a good mental place, I'm proud of the kind of wife I am to him and the way I can show him how important and beloved he is.

I don't want to leave the impression that it has to be a doom-and-gloom prognosis. I just wish my husband had had a clearer view of what this would entail down the line, so I could feel like he fully chose this life with me, eyes wide open. But then, none of us really gets that chance in life, mental illness or not. Things happen every day that impact how we cope with everything and change us in small and profound ways. Lasting relationships evolve and adapt to all these changes over time. The other key thing to them is making a choice to actively love someone - love isn't something that happens and then survives on its own. It's an active choice that has to be made again and again. Despite my BP, my husband and I make that choice over and over - just sometimes he has to make the choice much more deliberately than other times. I'm glad that he does.

[PeripheralNerve]

I just wanted to say that I truly appreciate your responses and it helps me understand that a lot of this is the mental illness she's fighting in a daily basis. Thank you. I don't have time to read these in detail now, but will tonight. Thanks again.

[mtnannie]

While your relationship decision is an important part of ne, I'm more concerned about your girlfriend right now. She sounds suicidal, or only a hair away from falling into it. She needs to contact her psychiatrist (pdoc) for help ASAP. You may have to be the one to get her there. If no pdoc, get her to the ER. Someone with BP who gets that low needs immediate help.

Originally Posted by st0psign

well that was dark

Sorry, friend, but dark is all I've got at the moment. The OP deserves to know that things can get dark around this disease, which is why I decided to open my dark mouth. To say "stick it out, everything's going to be okay" seems disingenuous. My sincere apologies if you object.

[h2os]

I'm bipolar and want to give you some good advice. You should move out and break up with this girl. This girl is going to cause you so much grief and pain in your life that it will drive you mad. There are over 300 million Americans in the United States and you managed to pick the 1% or 2% of the population that has mental illness to fall in love with. So you should chalk it up as a big mistake you chose this girl. So next time you fall for a girl make sure it's from the other 98% of the population that is normal.

[Gs550]

I have a friend whose father was also bipolar. One day when I was feeling particularly unlovable I asked him if it was even worth it, to love someone who's bipolar. He said, "It's not without its challenges for sure, but it is absolutely worth it."

It won't be easy, and you've seen that. It's up to you to decide if you're willing to accept those particular challenges. Bear in mind, any relationship will have difficulties.

I object to ^ that description of your relationship as a big mistake. Clearly your girlfriend has plenty of qualities that made you fall in love her. You just need to ask yourself if that's enough.

[Unrigged64072835]

There is not anyone who is really "normal;" everyone has their quirks and eccentricities.

It sounds like your girlfriend is going through a really rough time, and she needs your support even though she says she doesn't. I said the same things to my husband and he hasn't left me. Just be aware that this relationship is going to have ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can be pretty painful. I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck.