I'm worried.

My dad wants to bring my grandmother to live with us. I love her, but she has severe dementia. She kicks, screams, and yells in the middle of the night (due to sundowning), and at night she also hits people because she forgets who they are. Sometimes she fights with herself because she hallucinates. This is because she's arguing with imaginary people (e.g., her mother, who passed away in 1984). She also has the tendency to protect herself with whatever the closest object is -- knife, bat, book, whatever -- and sometimes she sleeps with an object for protection. For example, one time her neighbors were harassing her during the day, so she slept with a machete because she was afraid they'd break in. Jesus.

I don't trust her.

I think she should be in a nursing home, but my parents don't want to do that. I understand that no one wants to put their parents in a nursing home, but my parents are so unreasonable. They're just anti-MI in general and they think she's "just fine". But no, she's not.

I'm honestly afraid she's going to do something to me in the middle of the night because she thinks I'm an intruder. That's my main concern. She already hit my aunt in the middle of the night with a shoe when she came to check in on her. She thought my aunt was an assailant.

Of course my grandmother remembers who I am, but I don't know about at night. That's the thing. I mean, when my uncle came to visit for my grandpa's funeral, she thought my uncle (her son) was her husband. She's just bewildered.

And, believe it or not, she's actually capable of JOGGING at the age of 78 years old. She's very mobile for her age because she walks around A LOT everyday -- hell, more than I do! I guess that's why I'm concerned she's going to come into my room and do something! Just the thought of it freaks me out.

Am I being too unreasonable here? Is my anxiety unwarranted? My door doesn't have a lock on it! I want a lock on it! I'm afraid she's going to trigger me too.

[Raindropvampire]

can you get a lock even if it's one of those simple hook and eye locks? or get a door stopper that won't let your door be opened? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I'm worried.

My dad wants to bring my grandmother to live with us. I love her, but she has severe dementia. She kicks, screams, and yells in the middle of the night (due to sundowning), and at night she also hits people because she forgets who they are. Sometimes she fights with herself because she hallucinates. This is because she's arguing with imaginary people (e.g., her mother, who passed away in 1984). She also has the tendency to protect herself with whatever the closest object is -- knife, bat, book, whatever -- and sometimes she sleeps with an object for protection. For example, one time her neighbors were harassing her during the day, so she slept with a machete because she was afraid they'd break in. Jesus.

I don't trust her.

I think she should be in a nursing home, but my parents don't want to do that. I understand that no one wants to put their parents in a nursing home, but my parents are so unreasonable. They're just anti-MI in general and they think she's "just fine". But no, she's not.

I'm honestly afraid she's going to do something to me in the middle of the night because she thinks I'm an intruder. That's my main concern. She already hit my aunt in the middle of the night with a shoe when she came to check in on her. She thought my aunt was an assailant.

Of course my grandmother remembers who I am, but I don't know about at night. That's the thing. I mean, when my uncle came to visit for my grandpa's funeral, she thought my uncle (her son) was her husband. She's just bewildered.

And, believe it or not, she's actually capable of JOGGING at the age of 78 years old. She's very mobile for her age because she walks around A LOT everyday -- hell, more than I do! I guess that's why I'm concerned she's going to come into my room and do something! Just the thought of it freaks me out.

Am I being too unreasonable here? Is my anxiety unwarranted? My door doesn't have a lock on it! I want a lock on it! I'm afraid she's going to trigger me too.

Move out then. I was out of the house at your age and I had a 4 yr old son working at a law firm as a receptionist. You make way more money than I did!

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

can you get a lock even if it's one of those simple hook and eye locks? or get a door stopper that won't let your door be opened? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Ohh, door stopper is a great idea! It's cheaper than getting a lock. I'll do that.

Thanks

I'm still concerned because of that machete thing she did. (Where she lives, she uses the machete for cutting down bananas from banana trees.)

Originally Posted by rose1985

Move out then. I was out of the house at your age and I had a 4 yr old son working at a law firm as a receptionist. You make way more money than I did!

I agree, and I wish move out. It's just that my student loans are $1200 a month. A cheap apartment here runs for $1500 a month. Plus car payment is $350 a month. That's $3k a month w/o food, gas, pdoc appts, parking, therapist appts, meds, and basic necessities. I could barely afford it and she's coming in 3 days. :s

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Ohh, door stopper is a great idea! It's cheaper than getting a lock. I'll do that.

Thanks

I'm still concerned because of that machete thing she did. (Where she lives, she uses the machete for cutting down bananas from banana trees.)


I agree, and I wish move out. It's just that my student loans are $1200 a month. A cheap apartment here runs for $1500 a month. Plus car payment is $350 a month. That's $3k a month w/o food, gas, pdoc appts, parking, therapist appts, meds, and basic necessities. I could barely afford it and she's coming in 3 days. :s

Get a cheaper car and think about what your grandmother is going thru. I would never want my grandparents or parents in a nursing home. Ask to pay less on your student loans. I've never heard of student loans being that much. I have nephews your age and they don't have student loans that much.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think your reasons for anxiety are extremely valid. Your poor grandma sounds like she needs supervised aged care almost round the clock.

Door knob / door lock whatever it takes

[pixiefey]

I would lock my door all the time just in case but I would try to spend a little time with her in her lucid moments. Your parents may decide after a time that it's to much for them and move her to a nursing time.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I'm worried.

My dad wants to bring my grandmother to live with us. I love her, but she has severe dementia. She kicks, screams, and yells in the middle of the night (due to sundowning), and at night she also hits people because she forgets who they are. Sometimes she fights with herself because she hallucinates. This is because she's arguing with imaginary people (e.g., her mother, who passed away in 1984). She also has the tendency to protect herself with whatever the closest object is -- knife, bat, book, whatever -- and sometimes she sleeps with an object for protection. For example, one time her neighbors were harassing her during the day, so she slept with a machete because she was afraid they'd break in. Jesus.

I don't trust her.

I think she should be in a nursing home, but my parents don't want to do that. I understand that no one wants to put their parents in a nursing home, but my parents are so unreasonable. They're just anti-MI in general and they think she's "just fine". But no, she's not.

I'm honestly afraid she's going to do something to me in the middle of the night because she thinks I'm an intruder. That's my main concern. She already hit my aunt in the middle of the night with a shoe when she came to check in on her. She thought my aunt was an assailant.

Of course my grandmother remembers who I am, but I don't know about at night. That's the thing. I mean, when my uncle came to visit for my grandpa's funeral, she thought my uncle (her son) was her husband. She's just bewildered.

And, believe it or not, she's actually capable of JOGGING at the age of 78 years old. She's very mobile for her age because she walks around A LOT everyday -- hell, more than I do! I guess that's why I'm concerned she's going to come into my room and do something! Just the thought of it freaks me out.

Am I being too unreasonable here? Is my anxiety unwarranted? My door doesn't have a lock on it! I want a lock on it! I'm afraid she's going to trigger me too.

this would scare me too. i am sorry this is happening to you and your family.

[Wild Coyote]

I agree with Crazy Hitch, pixiefey and raindropvampire.

Surely sounds like your grandmother is going thru hell. Just imagine what it must feel like to her when she has these delusions, etc.

Your parents may not realize just how much care may be involved with your grandmother. In the very least, maybe strongly encourage them to get her a consult with a medical specialist in your area -- so many highly reputable hospitals in your area.

I am hoping she does not have to suffer as much as she has been suffering with fear, etc. A specialist may also help with objectivity in assessing her best interests and which type of home or care setting might be most humane for your grandmother at this point in her life.

In the meantime, be clear with your parents as to how involved you can/cannot be in direct care at this point. Lock the door to your bedroom at all times (including when you are out).

And... spend higher quality time with your grandmother when possible.

I know you love her. Blue. I feel you are trying to be more realistic about the entire situation. I admire your willingness to do so.


WC

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by rose1985

Get a cheaper car and think about what your grandmother is going thru. I would never want my grandparents or parents in a nursing home. Ask to pay less on your student loans. I've never heard of student loans being that much. I have nephews your age and they don't have student loans that much.

Student loans are the easiest lenders to work with as far as adjusting payment amounts, due dates etc.
And for some cultures, putting parents in a home is not acceptable. I'm sure your grandmother didn't ask to have dementia either. Your whole family needs to have a discussion about this. Voice your concerns and make your decision from there.

It's a tough one.

Crazy Hitch is right in that my grandmother needs round the clock care. She's more or less fine during the day as long as someone is with her. (Sometimes she'll try to "escape" and wander off to god know where...) However, at night, that's a different story... Violence, anger, hallucinations, etc.

My parents want to try having a caregiver watch over her during the day at home. They're actually okay with the idea of a nursing home as a last resort. They wanted to put my grandfather in a nursing home shortly before he passed away because they knew he couldn't/wouldn't take care of himself, and my grandmother just wasn't able to properly care for him (and we now know it's probably because of her dementia, which we weren't aware of at the time). The only reason we didn't put him in a nursing home was because we couldn't figure out the logistics. We tried the caregiver thing with him, but he was nasty to the visiting nurses etc and pretty much chased everyone away, hence the nursing home idea.

Anyway, we had her living in her house up until recently, and we had my dad's cousin and wife act as caregivers during the day. She pretty much scared them off, though, with her sui threats. For example,

Possible trigger:

"I'm going to take all of my husband's pills and just die here because he's whoring around with other women he's picked up at the bar. He never comes home." And she literally found all his pills and poured them out on a table. My dad's cousin and wife had to snatch them all from her. (And btw, my grandfather never cheated or went to the bar as far as we're aware. When he drank, he drank at home with his friends.)

So given all that, I don't know how well the caregiver thing is going to work out here. We had my dad's cousin and his wife watch after her from 8am to 5pm, but they couldn't take it anymore. It was too emotionally distressing for them, and the wife would often call us up sobbing about how upset she was seeing my grandmother suffer that way. That's why *I* think a nursing home might be a better option, but I could be wrong and the caregiver thing could work out. I'm really not sure... Of course I plan to talk to my parents more about this, but they want to try the caregiver thing out again.

[Yours_Truly]

I feel for what you're going through. My grandmother on my dad's side came to live with us when I was little. At first, it was great. I slept with her every night & she helped my mom with the kids & home. But after so many years her dementia (we called it senility back then) got progressively worse. She didn't remember who any of us were, including her son, my dad. I can still hear him with her repeating over & over "No, I'm your son, Joe T. Smoe." It was torturous. She "escaped" a few times herself & often thought we were keeping her prisoner. We kept a bicycle lock on our refrigerator so she wouldn't raid it during the night, she'd forget she had eaten & think we were starving her. My parents did eventually have to put her in a home once she broke her hip. It was very hard for them.

It definitely sounds like it will be a rough situation for you. Sending you lots of positive vibes & s.

[Gs550]

Originally Posted by gina_re

Student loans are the easiest lenders to work with as far as adjusting payment amounts, due dates etc.
And for some cultures, putting parents in a home is not acceptable. I'm sure your grandmother didn't ask to have dementia either. Your whole family needs to have a discussion about this. Voice your concerns and make your decision from there.

I'll second (third?) this. When I was unemployed and my unemployment barely paid rent, food, electric, and public transportation, I spoke to someone and negotiated a $5 a month payment. I can't recall if I had to provide proof of income/bills - I think I did. So you might not lower your payment until the month after you sign a lease but I wouldn't be surprised if you could cut your student loan payment in half.

Also, where do you live? I'm in NYC and I pay $1069. Granted, it's a studio, and it's in the Bronx, but it's my own space. You might have to look a little harder or adjust your expectations but I'm sure you can get something cheaper than $1500. A roommate is another possibility.

I'm a big advocate of those who are able to work living independently. Having control over my own environment means I can avoid certain triggers, I'm able to relax easier, and I feel better about myself.

I think what everyone else has said - locking your door, discussing your concerns with your parents - are absolutely important if you want to continue living there. In the end, though, it's your parents' house, and they choose who can live there. If you're concerned that the environment will be too stressful for you the only option is to live elsewhere.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Ohh, door stopper is a great idea! It's cheaper than getting a lock. I'll do that.

Thanks

I'm still concerned because of that machete thing she did. (Where she lives, she uses the machete for cutting down bananas from banana trees.)


I agree, and I wish move out. It's just that my student loans are $1200 a month. A cheap apartment here runs for $1500 a month. Plus car payment is $350 a month. That's $3k a month w/o food, gas, pdoc appts, parking, therapist appts, meds, and basic necessities. I could barely afford it and she's coming in 3 days. :s

You should be able to refinace your student loans. that is outrageous!
Why so high?
bizi

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear about this. Do you at least have a lockbox for your meds?

@Gs550:
No, not really. You can get cheaper than $1500, but it won't be in a safe neighborhood and it will be on the outskirts of the city. Not really my thing.

I don't want to live with a roommate either because, like you, I'd want my own space. You said it yourself: you can avoid your triggers and relax easier.

But like I said in my other post, I do want to live somewhere else. It's a matter of time and money, and I guess refinancing my loans somehow. I'd also prefer to just get my own house, if possible.

I used to live in my own apartment in Boston, though, but the student loans got to me. (Was paying $1600/mo for the loans... $400 for Citizen's Bank and $1200 for Sallie Mae... until I paid off the $38,000 Citizen Bank loan in full.) Then I was paying $1450/mo for a tiny 650 sq ft studio apartment with A/C in an "okay" neighborhood. Commuting to my old job was also an issue, which is partly why I moved out, too. Then I had to pay for parking and for my car payments. At the time, gas was $4+ a gallon. Too much.

@bizi:
I'm guessing my student loans were so high because my school was $60k a year and I just got whatever rate they gave me... unless the rate is based on income or something -- in which case, I'm totally screwed.

[bizi]

we consolidated our loans and set them up for a 30 year pay off.
When we refinanced our home mortgage to lower interest rate we rolled in the balance of the student loan debt...now we look to be debt free in 7 years.
That is if nothing major happens to us or our 50 year old house.
We are 53 years old, fairly healthy but have a few pounds to lose. hubby has a cardiac family history and had chest pains last month that took him to the hospital...he has avoided getting a cardiologist.... all of his symptoms went away.
sigh
waiting for the shoe to drop.

Originally Posted by bizi

we consolidated our loans and set them up for a 30 year pay off.
When we refinanced our home mortgage to lower interest rate we rolled in the balance of the student loan debt...now we look to be debt free in 7 years.
That is if nothing major happens to us or our 50 year old house.
We are 53 years old, fairly healthy but have a few pounds to lose. hubby has a cardiac family history and had chest pains last month that took him to the hospital...he has avoided getting a cardiologist.... all of his symptoms went away.
sigh
waiting for the shoe to drop.

I'm guessing my payoff is 10 years. I think that's the default, yeah? Well, I think my parents set me up for whatever the default was.

I know absolutely nothing about loans or mortgages, or how one would roll an interest rate into the balance of a student loan debt. I guess I'll just first call up my student loan lender and see what they say. Sorry for being stupid about this stuff. My parents basically helped set everything up for me, so I assumed what I was paying was normal/expected since they had experience with this sort of thing before.

[raspberrytorte]

This is a hard situation, blue. I'm sorry your family is going through this. Big hugs.

[bizi]

yes call you lender and ask to extend you loan payments to lower your monthly bill. Get the lower payment then look for your own place. Living there is not an option for you, in my opinion.
she belongs in a nursing home with staff to care for her.
bizi

[bioChE]

My guess is that if she comes to live with you, it'll be a very temporary situation. I would think your parents would crack under the pressure just like the rest of the family has, and they would make other arrangements. If you get a lock box for your meds, and a rubber doorstop, you should be able to ride it out.

Regarding refinancing your loans - my suggestion is to pour everything you can into getting them paid off. Even if it's painful in the short term, it's better in the long run. I dug in and paid my loans in 3 years after graduation, and am so incredibly glad I did. I lived with roommates, drove a modest car, and lived a pretty frugal life. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. Shortly after that, I got married and we were debt-free. Seeing peers struggle to this day (I'm 41) with student debt just makes me sad.

I think living with your parents and making big payments is a great idea for now. Granted if it becomes an untenable situation with your grandmother that's another story, but if I were you I'd give it a chance.

Best of luck with whatever you choose.

[mtnannie]

If you are on social security disability you can get your student loan forgiven. I got mine and it was really easy. I don't know if you are or not, but hope you can get out of living together with her. Sounds like it would be triggering. ((Hugs))

[Wild Coyote]

If living with your parents works out well for you and you'd stay if your grandmother was not coming to live, the bioCHE makes a lot of sense.
I agree, I am guessing your parents will realize they are in over their heads in trying to care for your grandmother at home.

If you leave home, bioCHE also makes sense. Minimize debt by not signing on for more debt and get old debt paid off quickly.

The second part of the topic is a little more complicated:

If you simply extend your student loan, paying it over more years, you will likely be paying less of the principal and more in interest.

An exception may be rolling the student loan balance into a low mortgage rate if/when buying a home and there is enough equity in the home (at time of purchase) to cover the amount of the student loan you hope to combine in with the mortgage. (It's very unusual to find that kind of equity in a first home.)

To see just how the loan payoff would work out in either situation, you'd need to know your current terms (loan principal, interest rate, length of the loan, any early payoff penalties-- which may not exist). See an online loan amoritization schedule/calculator.

If you hope to explore purchasing a home, contact a mortgage broker to check into your options at this time. There are also all kinds of online calculators to determine your income-to-debt ratio, etc. It all figures into qualifying for a mortgage loan.

(For example: If your total student loan principal is now $100K and you want to buy a home for $300K, together they are $400K. The property appraisal has to come in for $400K, or more, in order to cover that debt under the mortgage loan.)

If I were you, I'd look into the terms of my current loans. I'd see a financial planner, or two. Wipe out debt fast. Maximize good use of income. Be sure I was getting a good start on my retirement (allowing that money to earn more money over the next 40 years). Maximizing property equity, at some point, too.


WC

[JustJace2u]

We've already discussed this in some detail, but I think she needs to be placed in a nursing home for her safety and the safety of your family.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by bioChE

My guess is that if she comes to live with you, it'll be a very temporary situation. I would think your parents would crack under the pressure just like the rest of the family has, and they would make other arrangements. If you get a lock box for your meds, and a rubber doorstop, you should be able to ride it out.

This is what I was thinking.