I just want to vent--

I'm currently mixed.

For the past few nights, I've stayed up all night ruminating about negative things I've experienced in life. Some of these negative things have happened recently, while others have happened far, far in the past. I know I shouldn't focus on the past, as there is nothing I can do to change the past, but I can't help it.

I literally stare at the ceiling all night long, unable to sleep due to excessive energy, and yet, I don't feel like doing anything. This is when negative thoughts begin to flood in.

After some time, these thoughts begin to race through my head faster than I can process them. I can't focus on any one thought, but I catch "glimpses" of each negative thought.

"You're a failure."
"You forgot to turn off the oven, dumbass."
"Why did you say that to Matt 5 years ago?"
"What is your problem?"

I think this feeling is worse than the feeling you get when focusing on a single negative thought for several hours.

And as I try to curl up in my bed and hide under the blankets, as if my blanket would "protect" me from these negative thoughts, I find myself focusing more and more on these negative thoughts. I feel the intensity of these thoughts increasing exponentially.

* * *

I also have thoughts about times where I should have done something, but instead stood there silently, doing nothing. These events invoke "guilty" thoughts. I then tell myself, "What is f_ck is wrong with you?"

Sometimes I also feel guilty about my failures. For example, maybe I did something the wrong way, and if I had spent an extra, say, hour on the task, maybe things would have turned out a lot better. I don't feel "worthless" per se, but pretty close to it.

* * *

All of these negative thoughts immobilize me; I can't get out of bed to distract myself. I don't know why. It's as if, figuratively, there's some external force at work preventing me from leaving my bed.

It's so bizarre to think about, though. I'm torturing myself? That's literally what it is. Obviously I don't have control over these negative thoughts, as they're due to a chemical imbalance, but I am technically torturing myself. I wish there was a way I could hold myself back. It's like I'm my own executioner.

* * *

Anyway, sorry if this post was too long and pointless to read, and sorry if my writing sucks. I'm mostly venting so that I don't feel super fcking guilty and upset anymore.

i am sorry you are feeling like this. i have felt similarly before it sucks a lot and is exhausting in a way even though you dont exactly get tired hard to describe but very uncomfortable. again i am sorry you are feeling bad.

[st0psign]

hang in there Blue, being mixed is about the worst bipolar has to offer. its exhausting and takes a toll on both body and mind. but it will end, keep that in mind, it doesn't last forever.

[bizi]

I am sorry blue. This sounds a lot like OCD. Have you ever been diagnosed with this?
YOu are right it is a chemical imbalance.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. when you took the large dose of seroquel you got some sleep right?
Why not take it more often like tonight so you can hopefully wake up refreshed, a new?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry you're going through a rough time, Blue.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs, blue. I know how it feels to be tortured by thoughts.

Thanks everyone

@st0psign: thanks. I'm hoping it passes soon because it's driving me nuts. I'm trying to ignore the sui ideations.

@bizi: yeah, I have an OCD Dx.

I just don't like Seroquel. When I took 300mg, I slept for an eternity. Now I'm back to sleeping 2-4 hrs a night again, but I'd rather get less sleep. Even 100mg of Seroquel makes me sleep forever, and 50mg does nothing. 75 is probably the right amount, but I'll still probably sleep forever.

[PenguinExMachina]

I often have mixed states. I feel it is, chaotic. Overwhelming. Like I'm being pulled in two different directions. It's as if one half of me is so deeply in despair and wanting to just crumble, while the other is yelling, "No! Get up you fool, we have crap to do!"