Trying to deal

jtassar93 · Nov 07, 2016, 11:09 PM

So I wasn't sent to IP per my T's thoughts. Even though I have a lot going on and even suggested IP myself. But she said I was too well composed and put together so she didn't think I needed it. Plus just because I wasn't acting on my suicidal thoughts. I was confused. I'm good and used to hiding my symptoms.

Anyways I'm constantly dealing with hallucinations. Some are scary and evil and some are just regular people who talk to me. They won't go away! Plus the auditory hallucinations are killer. I wish I could just turn off my brain.

Then there's the paranoia. I think my house is bugged. That I'm being watched through the camera on my sisters phone, my webcam (when I have a computer), the cars outside. I'm also paranoid about my meds being fake... it just gets really bad sometimes. I'll spend hours staring out the window at the cars to make sure we're safe.

I was out of meds for 4 days and felt it. I didn't sleep at all for days. My panic attacks increased and my anxiety skyrocketed. I did get a small fill today so that'd improving.

There's so much more, I just can't seen ito focus and think.

Nov 07, 2016, 11:17 PM

If you felt the meds not being there, the idea they are fake should lessen?

A doctor once said to me "I get the feeling you're pretty skilled at faking well, is this true". I said yes and was placed in IOP with a plan for immediate hospitalization if things got worse. I wish your doctor was more skilled in seeing through the tough facade you must put up. (((Hugs)))

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 01:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

If you felt the meds not being there, the idea they are fake should lessen?

A doctor once said to me "I get the feeling you're pretty skilled at faking well, is this true". I said yes and was placed in IOP with a plan for immediate hospitalization if things got worse. I wish your doctor was more skilled in seeing through the tough facade you must put up. (((Hugs)))

The idea should lessen, but it doesn't. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm being poisoned or the meds are all fakes since I still have hallucinations and etc on them.

I guess my doctor didn't know what to do. I even told her I was good at hiding symptoms nit she still assumed I was well put together and doing well.

Nov 08, 2016, 01:34 AM

Next time don't take a shower and show up in old sweats. I really have no idea what your doctor was thinking but people often baffle me so what do I know I guess. I'm sorry you are still struggling and hope the hallucinations and suicidal ideation goes away soon.

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 01:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Next time don't take a shower and show up in old sweats. I really have no idea what your doctor was thinking but people often baffle me so what do I know I guess. I'm sorry you are still struggling and hope the hallucinations and suicidal ideation goes away soon.

I just don't understand; She's wanted to send me to the hospital for much less; I even wrote it in my notes! That's a good idea, I'll try that. And thank you <3 Not sure they will go away on these meds because the only thing seroquel has been proven to help is with sleep/

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 02:12 AM

Has anyone else had paranoia so bad that they sat in the window for hours just to make sure the cars aren't watching you, everything is safe and no one is out to get you?....

Nov 08, 2016, 02:39 AM

I used to tape the cars with my phone and take pictures of license plates for whatever reason. My neighbors daughter used to sit in her car in front of my house for long periods and I'd keep peeking at her through the blinds wondering what she was up to and if she was one of them since I didn't know who she was or why she parked in front of my house and sat there. She noticed I was staring and watching and her father came over to explain it's his daughter and she's doing school work. He was nice about it but probably thought I was a freak! We have since become very friendly and I doubt he even remembers the incident (at least I like to think he's forgotten). That was about 10 years ago so chances are he doesn't think about it.

DelusionsDaily · Nov 08, 2016, 03:09 AM

I think there's gotta be something better for the paranoia and hallucinations. I don't know just seems you are suffering so unnecessarily. Hopefully pdoc will act with a little more urgency in terms of your meds. Seeing as T basically botched today. Anyway, I think if pdoc is swift with med adjustments thursday you'll be on your way to getting better. Paranoia is occasional for me often coinciding with very stressful times...surprisingly not right now and its often mild but yeah I could understand what you do with the severity you experience.

Victoria'smom · Nov 08, 2016, 08:49 AM

If you believe that you need the hospital take the note to the er. Your t may only send people that she doesn't believe will make it through the week. As much as you're suffering she's confident on your inpules control. T and pdoc will have different requirements to go. Hopefully pdoc doesn't feel he can handle the situation OP. If you get close to harming yourself or to the er. When you get better you can discuss what your thoughts needs to do when you're so unwell.

bizi · Nov 08, 2016, 09:53 AM

can you write out what you just told us ...in that brief paragraph it was so concise.
and then take that to your pdoc.
bizi

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I used to tape the cars with my phone and take pictures of license plates for whatever reason. My neighbors daughter used to sit in her car in front of my house for long periods and I'd keep peeking at her through the blinds wondering what she was up to and if she was one of them since I didn't know who she was or why she parked in front of my house and sat there. She noticed I was staring and watching and her father came over to explain it's his daughter and she's doing school work. He was nice about it but probably thought I was a freak! We have since become very friendly and I doubt he even remembers the incident (at least I like to think he's forgotten). That was about 10 years ago so chances are he doesn't think about it.

I have nothing to record stuff on. I have to use my sisters phone and she's not here lol. That would make me feel better. The daughter thing was unfortunate, but I'm glad you and the father are friends now.

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

I think there's gotta be something better for the paranoia and hallucinations. I don't know just seems you are suffering so unnecessarily. Hopefully pdoc will act with a little more urgency in terms of your meds. Seeing as T basically botched today. Anyway, I think if pdoc is swift with med adjustments thursday you'll be on your way to getting better. Paranoia is occasional for me often coinciding with very stressful times...surprisingly not right now and its often mild but yeah I could understand what you do with the severity you experience.

Yeah I'm hoping there's something better. I can't take it anymore. It just sucks that we can only change one med at a time. I don't know what's triggering all this anxiety, hallucinations, and paranoia. The only thing I was stressed about lately was applying for online school, which has been over for some time now.

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

If you believe that you need the hospital take the note to the er. Your t may only send people that she doesn't believe will make it through the week. As much as you're suffering she's confident on your inpules control. T and pdoc will have different requirements to go. Hopefully pdoc doesn't feel he can handle the situation OP. If you get close to harming yourself or to the er. When you get better you can discuss what your thoughts needs to do when you're so unwell.

My pdoc app is Thursday so that's the next time I have a ride anywhere. If I or pdoc think IP is the way to go then I'll go. I haven't harmed myself in awhile. I often have thoughts of it and suicidal thoughts but haven't acted on them.

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi

can you write out what you just told us ...in that brief paragraph it was so concise.
and then take that to your pdoc.
bizi

Which paragraph? I can do that though.

DelusionsDaily · Nov 08, 2016, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jtassar93

Yeah I'm hoping there's something better. I can't take it anymore. It just sucks that we can only change one med at a time. I don't know what's triggering all this anxiety, hallucinations, and paranoia. The only thing I was stressed about lately was applying for online school, which has been over for some time now.

Just strongly advocate for Ip if that is what you need. Give definitive reasons you want IP if that's what you feel you need. Give him the same notes you gave T and explain the whole hiding how bad things are to him as well like you did T. Amazing what a few days off meds can do for worsening symptoms...huh? Sorry your suffering so much.

Unrigged64072835 · Nov 08, 2016, 04:18 PM

Sorry that you are still having a rough time.

Wild Coyote · Nov 08, 2016, 04:23 PM

I am sorry you are having so many challenges.

Therapists/pdocs can be in error, at any time, in their assessments.
Unfortunately, not all are consistent in what the state from one appointment to another.

Do you feel you are at risk of harming yourself or others?
Are you having suicidal urges? Any other urges to harm yourself?
Do you feel unable to care for yourself?

Would it be helpful to you to outline, on paper, what's going on for you, how you are feeling, what you are experiencing?

This may help you to clarify for yourself.
This may also be used as an outline for your sharing with a pdoc/therapist and/or the ER.

Contact or re-contact your therapist or pdoc and go over why you feel you need hospitalization, if you do feel you need hospitalization.

If YOU FEEL YOU ARE AT RISK and/or are beyond your comfort zone with your status, and your therapist and/or pdoc do not understand, do not forfeit your well-being, GO TO THE ER.

Glad you are reaching out here!

I hope you feel more comfortable soon.

WC

P.S. I make a brief outline/list of whatever I need to cover in appointments. Otherwise, I can miss some very important points. I can zone out in the appointment sometimes, or can get side-tracked.

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

Just strongly advocate for Ip if that is what you need. Give definitive reasons you want IP if that's what you feel you need. Give him the same notes you gave T and explain the whole hiding how bad things are to him as well like you did T. Amazing what a few days off meds can do for worsening symptoms...huh? Sorry your suffering so much.

I will. I'll express it in my notes the best I can. Then I'll go if pdoc or I feel I need it. Yeah those few days off meds really got me good. And thank you <3

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 04:28 PM

Good news is that I finally have my Valium and doing better. I'm still not 100% but it's getting better. Still having panic attacks and have a decent amount of anxiety. But I'm getting there.

jtassar93 · Nov 08, 2016, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am sorry you are having so many challenges.

Therapists/pdocs can be in error, at any time, in their assessments.
Unfortunately, not all are consistent in what the state from one appointment to another.

Do you feel you are at risk of harming yourself or others?
Are you having suicidal urges? Any other urges to harm yourself?
Do you feel unable to care for yourself?

Would it be helpful to you to outline, on paper, what's going on for you, how you are feeling, what you are experiencing?

This may help you to clarify for yourself.
This may also be used as an outline for your sharing with a pdoc/therapist and/or the ER.

Contact or re-contact your therapist or pdoc and go over why you feel you need hospitalization, if you do feel you need hospitalization.

If YOU FEEL YOU ARE AT RISK and/or are beyond your comfort zone with your status, and your therapist and/or pdoc do not understand, do not forfeit your well-being, GO TO THE ER.

Glad you are reaching out here!

I hope you feel more comfortable soon.

WC

P.S. I make a brief outline/list of whatever I need to cover in appointments. Otherwise, I can miss some very important points. I can zone out in the appointment sometimes, or can get side-tracked.

Thank you <3

I do have thoughts of suicide and harming myself but I haven't acted on it. It's nothing too set. I haven't self harmed in awhile.

I do write notes of everything for both my T and my pdoc.

I have to wait until Thursday for any chance of the hospital so we'll see.

It's nice to be able to be able to talk freely here.

Wild Coyote · Nov 08, 2016, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jtassar93

Good news is that I finally have my Valium and doing better. I'm still not 100% but it's getting better. Still having panic attacks and have a decent amount of anxiety. But I'm getting there.

So glad you feel you are headed in the right direction.

Panic/anxiety can feel so overwhelming, as you know well.

I agree with you -- it's wonderful to have a place like this forum to share openly.

WC