Saw my Pdoc - poss TRIGGER

At a low dose it doesn't seem to be doing any harm. Maybe I will ask him about it when I see him today. Thanks for the thought.

Saw my pdoc an hour ago. He and I talked of the darkness I felt and agreed that right now we just need to keep me heavily sedated until the episode passes. I am not as sui as yesterday, which is a bit plus. Still my mind is very dark and disturbing.

Mentioned the Ritalin and he said he doesn't want to change my dose so close to the weekend as he will be unavailable should it effect me badly. So we will discuss it Monday. If I am doing better he will push the dose back up to 60mg, if still manic/mixed he will stop it and see if that changes anything.

He asked me lots of questions but I kept forgetting what he had asked and struggling to answer with my jumbled mind. It is clear I am mixed so in the end we agreed that lots of Olanzapine and Clonazepam until Monday is the way to go to keep me safe and perhaps even stabilise me.

In the last half hour I feel my mood shifting upwards again. Hmmm...this could be interesting. I'm kinda rooting for mania to return as I hate the dark but am rational enough to know that mania always ends up in a crash. So (with great conflicting feelings) I am aiming for stability instead.

I hate that struggle I had with my mind when it came to answering questions in an episode. Glad you and pdoc had a good talk otherwise.

Again my sudden, dramatic lift in mood seems to be a subconscious self-protective mechanism. yet I feel I am learning and growing in both the light and dark states of mind. Maybe this is my brains way of healing itself of the trauma. One can hope. Perhaps, after a few more shifts, I will find myself stable and functional.

Does anyone else relate? I also feel I am learning so much about myself and the universe during this time since the 22nd October when the switching started.