[Theresa1991]

I am not quite sure what is Happening just now. (Sorry for the not Fitting capital letters in this post, it is my German Computer autocorrecting). I had a few days of deep Depression and lots of cutting. Sunday evening I felt the energy Setting in and was able to work a lot yesterday but also crying and Kind of frustrated. After that I met the guy I am just dating and became excited and amazed with everything and had the opinion that I didn't Need to eat nor sleep even though I knew I had to work in the law firm ten hours today (that is where I am just now obviously not doing my work). He made me go to bed at three, I hadn't eaten but didn't feel like it either.

This post has a lot of Information in it, so I will try to Keep it structurated: yesterday I had an interview for a new work and I don't wanna do it because I won't like it and will spend too much time there but it would mean a lot of Money I could Need (to pay the rest of my "Money Comes and goes, so no Need to watch the spending"-debts, which luckily didn't get completely out of control). Today they said they wanted to have me so I don't know what to do and I still hope they will offer me less hours. Second Problem is that my ex texted me today because we are fighting about the Apartment. He is currently in Australia but getting back in April and we agreed on him having the Apartment but that was before he left Germany for one and a half years and I settled in again and when he Comes back I will Need to prepare for my final law exams which in Germany means 1 year of preparation full-time and well I asked him if I could stay a few months more and he said no. I don't have enough Money to live and don't even mention to move the flat so I got pretty pissed, slept 4,5 hours and am so agitated and now I feel like really unreal in the Office and have like slurred Vision and the lights seem all strange to me and can't stop my thughts nor concentrate and feel like desperate and don't know what to do, maybe I am just imagining all of this but I have no idea I am panicing but don't wanna be in Hospital, only Thing I know is I am barely hanging on right now, all of These decisions with work and flat and all are too much I feel utterly alone and not able to cope and i cannot let anyone see this because I am working in a high qualified law firm and they canÄt know I should rather be in the looney bin than working here. Everything feels unreal, I am not sure if the light Thing is just because of lack of sleep or if those are like slight hallucinations and I have no idea because no one realizes I am going nuts. Please tell me something. sorry for the Long post!

[Victoria'smom]

You sound like your mixed state. Can you call your Dr and as for an as needed medication to calm you down? I don't know how things work in Germany sorry. What medication are you currently on?

[Theresa1991]

Unfortunately I am on no medication because I am just in the process of being diagnosed but my psychologist strongly suspects bipolar. I don't know how to cope until I see a doctor in Eleven days. Completely losing it but don't wanna go to Hospital because I Need to go on with my lawyers' education... -.-

My vision and sensitivity to light are out of control when I stop sleeping. I'm so sorry you are struggling with all this. How much longer do you have at work? You can try putting your face in ice water for 30 seconds when you get home as it's suppose to help panic and distress. A nice warm bath and soothing music could do you wonders. If you can't get away from work just keep doing your best. If you need to go to the hospital to stay safe, please do so. (((Hugs))))

[Wild Coyote]

Sounds like you are having a tough time.

Adequate amounts of sleep are a priority.

If you cannot function at work, is it possible to go home and get some sleep?

Maybe also call the doctor to see if there are cancellations and you maybe can get a sooner appointment?

Do make sleep a priority. Adequate sleep can prove very helpful.


WC

[Theresa1991]

Thank you guys! I have to stay 1,5 hours more but I will make it through. I did not want to sleep yesterday because at the Moment I never know what state I will be in when I wake up and once I feel good I try to stay in this mood as Long as I can and start to avoid sleeping because sleeping seems to push me into Depression at the Moment. Is that something you know? I will call the doctor tomorrow to see if I can have an earlier appointment. Do you think I am in an Episode or just Feeling bad because of one night without lots of sleep?

Originally Posted by Theresa1991

Thank you guys! I have to stay 1,5 hours more but I will make it through. I did not want to sleep yesterday because at the Moment I never know what state I will be in when I wake up and once I feel good I try to stay in this mood as Long as I can and start to avoid sleeping because sleeping seems to push me into Depression at the Moment. Is that something you know? I will call the doctor tomorrow to see if I can have an earlier appointment. Do you think I am in an Episode or just Feeling bad because of one night without lots of sleep?

When I get manic and feel good I do not want it to end and before I figured out my patterns would feed the mania by staying up dancing all night, lots of coffee and Caffeinated beverages were consumed and I tried to really embrace and enjoy it. It was destructive at times and in others it worked out. It's dangerous odds though if I had my own personal statistics on how many times it went wrong versus right when I added fuel to my manic fire it would not look good. The odds are not in your favor. Stay safe. (((Hugs)))

[Theresa1991]

Yes, I think I ended up doing that more or less yesterday, the negative feelings disappeared once I had left work and I went to an event talking 200 miles an hour and got hopelessly drunk to find myself in some apartment this morning that was not mine and I don't even want to think about it. Now tired and kind of disgusted with myself but still somehow inquiet and moving.

(((((hugs)))))

I am sorry you are strugglingg

keep posting here if it helps you

[Theresa1991]

Thanks so much for all the nice replies! Yes, actually posting helps a lot. Makes me feel less alone. My mood is unpredictable. I am breaking in tears every few minutes to hours. Then I tell myself to get myself together and make less drama. Doesn't work. I feel utterly desperate. Tired but awake. I would describe it like having a huge, ugly black bird in my chest that is trying to spread its wings and tearing me apart by doing so. I feel so lonely and don't know how much longer I will be able to stand the current mood swings. The guy I am dating is leaving to Mexico (he's Mexican and his visa expires) in a few weeks, my ex wants me gone from the apartment we rented together (he is in Australia until April) and I hate my work. Far away from my family. I feel the flat is the only thing that is still stable in my life and my drawback place. I feel everything is being taken from me and my life is falling apart. Horribly afraid.

Eleven days is a long time to last with manic or mixed-state symptoms in a high-pressure job with a looming eviction. Can you call in sick? Is there any way that you can call your psychiatrist's office and demand an emergency consultation to get a prescription for stabilizing medication? Do you really have to leave the flat before April? Can you go to the Human Resources department at your law firm for confidential help?

[Theresa1991]

Well, first, luckily I am not working in the law firm every day. I am doing my lawyer's titel which means that I am doing two years of internships in various jobs. The law firm is just my side job, 10 hours a week, because we get paid very little in the internship. So confidential help is not an option, because I am not a full employee, but makes things easier just the same because I don't have such high pressure all the time. My ex wants me out in April, when he comes back. This will be just when I will have to start to prepare for my final exams (about 6 - 9 months preparation) and be low on money. I am still bargaining with him but he is not willing to have a compromise. I will see my pdoc (for the first time) tomorrow in a week, so I think I have to hold out a little longer. I am still in the process of diagnosis (even though the psychologist said it seems like bipolar) so they won't give me meds before that. I try to do sports, talk to my friends and keep calm. Do my work best as I can. Not lose my sense of reality. I know everything will get better. Sometimes I wonder if I am making everything up and just working myself up about this matter. Do you guys sometimes doubt your feelings and wondering if you are just imagining what you're experiencing? Maybe I am just loosing it because so much in my life changed. I don't trust myself.

You may be experiencing a disproportionate amount of anxiety due to your condition. For example, April is more than five months from now and your ex is not going to evict you until then.

[Theresa1991]

I know I can find a room till then. I just love this place and my flatmates so much. Feels like my safe place on earth and the rents are skyracketing in Berlin.

[Wander]

Does sound mixed, which is an awful place to be in. Can you call your psychiatrist and ask for meds over the phone, or even get an emergency appointment?. Hope this passes quickly. Hang in there, it will pass.

[Theresa1991]

Tried, but the pdoc is working in a clinic, so impossible But I slept ten hours last night and feeling slightly better. Still overly agitated but I think today will be a better day.

[Gabyunbound]

This sounds like it might be situational to me, you have a ton going on and I think that would do in plenty of people. I don't believe you're necessarily 'mixed.' But I would reach out to your friends (flatmates?) and see if they can help you through this very difficult time. Hopefully your psychiatrist will be able to help you figure out/parse out what might be bipolar-like cycles and what is situational. But 'situational -if it is, or in part- certainly doesn't make it any less stressful or painful. Best of luck to you, and keep us posted.

[GGChar]

Try hard not to take on every issue you have. Things can change a lot in a few months or even weeks. Your ex may have a change of heart. See if your flat mates may know of someone nice who needs to share a flat. Won't you all have to move out?

Sleep is everything for me. If I don't get enough sleep I am anxious, depressed and emotionally flat. Try for a few nights of extra sleep and then a healthy amount every night. Exercise helps me sweat away my anxiety. Drinking too much isn't good. It really messed me up. I made even worse decisions.

When you have your appointment bring in questions you may have. Maybe even copy your posts here so you rember how you are feeling right now.

I hope your days are more calm and you see some hope. We are here for you. We all understand and can relate!

[Acorn Oaktree]

You are so gonna make it through this. I know it's hard to do, but if you can try to take a few minutes and do some deep breathing. Try rolling your eyes around and around for a little bit. Leave work if you have to. Would your employer be mad if you left for health reasons? I hope not. If you need to go to a hospital to get some emergency medication to calm you down, do it! You are more important than anything, or anyone else right now. You have to take good care of yourself, your mind and your body, if you want to feel more balanced. Take a bit of time off from work/school if you can....can you get a doctor's note?
You've already done an amazing thing by recognizing what your mind is doing. And you've reached out for support, which is equally amazing! You are incredibly strong!

[Theresa1991]

Thank you all so much for your help! I decided to first resolve that working problem and told the employer that I want to work only for two days. If they are going to accept me that way I will have more money and can think about the flat. Today I am doing really well (maybe a little too well, like running around and stuff), but I feel relieved and had a good conversation with the guy I am dating that took some pressure off. Six days until pdoc, which also makes me feel like I can hang in. I am working less than usual and allow myself to just let some things go for the moment.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by Theresa1991

Thank you all so much for your help! I decided to first resolve that working problem and told the employer that I want to work only for two days. If they are going to accept me that way I will have more money and can think about the flat. Today I am doing really well (maybe a little too well, like running around and stuff), but I feel relieved and had a good conversation with the guy I am dating that took some pressure off. Six days until pdoc, which also makes me feel like I can hang in. I am working less than usual and allow myself to just let some things go for the moment.

--you did an excellent job of breaking things down! This is an important skill for anyone, bipolar or not. Good luck!!