[bstprsn]

My fiance and I have been together for 7 months. I am 34 and she is 33. She has two kids from a previous marriage. We did rush into this relationship and she hasn't been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but looking back on how we decided to get engaged and how she has acted the entire relationship it seems very obvious to me that she has severe peaks and valleys with her emotions and moods.

When she is on a high she is in a state of bliss and can't stop expressing her love for me, she acts impulsively and makes expensive shopping decisions, she wants to go on spontaneous road trips with me, she is very creative and expresses her creativity in a variety of ways, she has an insatiable libido during the high stage.

during the low stage she is agitated and unmotivated and spends nights staring at a blank computer screen. She can't be bothered by me during these times. We don't live together so it's hard for me to know exactly, but I believe simply getting out of bed and getting dressed is a real challenge for her during the low stage.

two months ago she said she wanted to break up. i told her i thought we had something more special than to just throw away and she gave the ring back and took her stuff out of my apartment. Literally 6 hours later she called me and said she didn't want to break up.

Now two months later she is saying she needs space and is overwhelmed and doesn't understand her highs and lows. I haven't used the word bipolar with her, but she seems to know something is wrong.

what do I do here? do i actually give her space? I've read things on the internet that say when someone with bipolar asks for space it's not always the best idea to actually give it to them. She is under a lot of stress with a new job and child sharing with her ex husband has been very stressful to her.

[Skeezyks]

Hello bstprsn: Well, first of all, my opinion is that it would be best to drop the bipolar diagnosis. Assuming you're not a mental health professional who is trained in mental health diagnosis, this is just your personal opinion. My perspective is that we can do as much or more damage as we do good by tossing out mental health diagnosis opinions.

From what you wrote, it does sound as though your fiancé is struggling with some mental health issues. But mental health diagnosis is a job for professionals. And even they often don't agree as to a given individual's diagnosis. Besides suggesting to someone she or he is bipolar, or some other mental illness, rarely goes over well. It's more likely to cause an argument than anything. Few people appreciate being told they're mentally ill... especially by a friend or family member.

You wrote your fiancé seems to know something is wrong, that she is overwhelmed & doesn't understand her highs & lows. You certainly could suggest she see a mental health therapist as a way of beginning to get a handle on all she has going on in her life. Or perhaps the two of you could seek some couples counseling as an alternative. That might feel like a less threatening alternative. From what you wrote, it does sound as though she has a lot on her plate. A person does not have to have a diagnosable mental illness to see a counselor or therapist. Sometimes it's just helpful, when the going gets tough, to have a professional, objective person to talk things over with.

As far as the question of giving her space is concerned, given all she is dealing with, I'm not surprised she's asking for space. I know you wrote that you've read where sometimes this is not the best idea. I'm not sure what the thinking is there unless it is that there could be the possibility the person might do harm to her/ himself. Of course, if there is concern that the person might try to do themselves serious harm, then leaving them alone is not advisable. However, assuming this is not something you're concerned about with your fiancé, it seems to me you have to respect her wishes. She's a 33 year old adult with two children. She has the right to make her own decisions & to have them respected by those around her.

Now... of course you also have the right not to be "jerked around" (for lack of a better term) as well. If your fiancé is continually pulling away & then suddenly coming back changing her mind, that is going to wear on you after a while. So, at some point, you may have to decide how much of that you're willing to endure & to establish, & enforce, some personal boundaries... painful as that may be to do. Perhaps, at some point, you may simply have to say: "Get some help or else..."

Anyway, I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[bizi]

Thankful for your reply, I hope that he comes back to read your post.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi