Depressed and Frustrated

Hello,

I'm new to the forums but really have no one here at home to talk to or who understands what the misery of bipolar depression is like. My husband tries to be supportive but after a certain amount of time, he gets upset that my depression isn't getting better even though he's trying to be supportive and then gets irritated and upset. I don't have any friends who can relate to my situation so I've come here to connect with other people who can.

I'm currently on meds and had been stable for a good amount of time but in the beginning of November, depression hit and I haven't been going to work, the house is in a state of chaos and I don't change out of my pajamas most days. It's Christmas time, I don't want to be like this for my family at Christmas. I feel terrible and I feel guilty, like I'm ruining everything for everyone.

I saw my Dr. last week. I currently take Vyvanse for ADD along with having bipolar and my dr thought it would be a quick acting solution to keep me from sinking any further to add Adderall boosters during the day to the Vyvanse to pick up my energy levels and hopefully improve my mood. He said it would work faster than an antidepressant that would take weeks to get into my system and he wanted something that would be more immediate. He then said to come in this week (a week later) and we would discuss changing one of my antidepressants over to one of the newer ones that have come out. He also knew I wasn't going to work, that I had reached the point of low where I was barely functioning and talked to me about taking a leave of absence from work. The day came for my follow up appointment and I get a TEXT from his office.. A TEXT, not phone call, stating they have to reschedule my appointment followed up by asking how was I on med refills. I texted back that my appt was not a monthly check in for med refills that it was a follow up for the depression but the receptionist ignored me and scheduled my appointment for JANUARY. All afternoon, through TEXTING, I went back and forth with her until she finally understood that I could not wait until January to see my psychiatrist and that he had put me on Adderral boosters during the day and wanted to do other med changes and that I was still feeling terrible and that I needed help. In between texts, I had emailed my psychiatrist and asked him to please call me, I was not doing well and was now being rescheduled. The receptionist magically moves someone and gets me in the week after next after telling me that my psychiatrist has LEFT TOWN THAT DAY AND ALL OF NEXT WEEK. I asked her if she could ask him to call me and she said he probably couldn't because he was out of town. WTF?!?!?! I am on added doses of a new stimulant, just to see if it helps, I still feel awful and my dr has left me with no help, no answers. He never called or returned my email. I am so upset and frustrated over the whole thing. He just left without caring about what was happening. And there's nothing I can do. And I'm not going to get any help from him for another 2 weeks so it's at least 2 more weeks of being in the bottom of the gutter depression. I am so frustrated. I'm sorry this is such a long post. Thanks for reading.

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Currently taking - Latuda, WellbutrinXL, Mirtazapine, Trokendi XR, Vyvanse and now also Adderall

You may be able to find a Dbsa support group in your area thru nami.

Welcome! Sorry you are having such a rough time. Depression is insidious and awful to live though. You are on a lot of meds for depression, have any helped in the past? Up a dose maybe? Do you also have Bipolar? If so a lot of those meds could cause problems with mania without a mood stabiliser like Lamictal. Well, you have our support here. We know what it is like to dwell in the depths of depression. Do you see a T? If not, they may also be able to help you manage the depression. Are you safe? I am glad you pressed to see your pdoc. You sound like you need to. Good luck with the appointment.

Nothing there proves he does not care, just that you possibly heard from an automated (or at least partially-automated) system without his having taken the time (or maybe even not having the time) to follow through with you without disturbing his own schedule. I had a similar situation yesterday, and I know how frustrating or even devastating that can be.

Make your best effort to be as pleasant as possible for your family, and welcome!

Perhaps your doctor had an emergency that caused him to leave town. You never know. It's frustrating but pdocs are people too and have lives. I know how frustrating it is to wait for an appointment only to have it moved, especially when you are unwell. But sometimes there's really nothing that can be done about it.

I don't understand the use of stimulants for treating depression especially because of the risk of mania but that's just me. Maybe it works for some people. I certainly hope it works for you. For now, just focus on getting through each day one at a time. Depression is awful and if you think too far in the future you may not be able to handle it. Just one day at a time, maybe even one hour at a time, one minute at a time if you need to.

Is there maybe an outpatient program near you? Like an intensive outpatient or partial hospital program? If your depression is causing you to be nonfunctional you may benefit from a program like this. It's like being in the hospital but you get to go home afterward. Usually you participate in groups. You'll see a pdoc once a week at least if you're in partial. And the pdoc is always there if you have an emergency. I've done this several times when unwell and it has really helped.

Thank you for the replies, Ocean Swimmer, Wander, leejosepho, and wildflowerchild25.

I have bipolar I, ADD, and PTSD. I do see a therapist every other week. I'm using 400mg of Trokendi as a mood stabilizer, which is basically the extended version of Topamax. I thought Latuda was mood stabilizing as well as an AP, too. The additional Adderall hasn't done anything in terms of improving depression. It's gotten me out of bed but my mood hasn't gotten any better, as a matter of fact, it's just made me irritable if anything.

I've been hospitalized and also used outpatient programs before. They have helped at times but I don't want to inconvenience my family with either during this time of the year. It's not the best time for this to be happening.
(I'm married and have 2 daughters that still live at home, one is a jr in high school and the other is 22) And that's what I feel like, a big inconvenience. I know I'm being overly sensitive about the way the situation was handled with my dr's office but everything seems like a bigger deal than it really is when you're depressed, everything is blown out of proportion and I sometimes forget that when I'm feeling this way.

I'm feeling completely sorry for myself today and I hate it. Having bipolar disorder is completely unfair - I AM on a lot of meds for depression and I do have stable periods but no matter how well I follow through on taking my meds or follow a schedule, it never fails, break through cycles happen and eventually, I feel awful again - I have horrible mania, with mixed cycles or horrible depression. Even when I feel better, it's only going to be temporary because eventually the bottom is going to fall out and I'll be right back to feeling awful again. What is the f'ing point?!?!? I'm ready to quit taking all my meds and say f*#^k it all. I give up.

Jenn (Nene)

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Bipolar I, ADD, PTSD
Latuda 120mg, WellbutrinXL 450mg, Mirtazapine 45mg, Vyvanse 60mg, Adderall 10mg in AM and 10mg in afternoon, Trokendi XR 400mg

Welcome! Sorry to hear about your struggles. Like someone else already suggested, I would look online and see if you can find either a DBSA or NAMI chapter in your area.

Welcome to PC! Sorry to hear that you're struggling. I hope you find some support to get through the depression.

I have no idea why some of us have these kinds of struggles while some or even many other people do not, but the point for me is to keep working at enjoying the fact that I have yet to ever reach a point where it is impossible to say I no longer enjoy the re-discovery of peaceful times. Right now I am feeling pretty good and almost afraid to do or say much of anything lest something go wrong and I end up back in a mess, but I make mental notes about being here and refuse to believe this will ultimately prove to be my last-ever time of feeling okay.