[Moose72]

Got ahold of my dad in the hospital tonight. His voice was gravelly and he wasn't "tracking" the conversation. He took turns speaking but what he said made little to no sense. (Especially with his voice that way.). They say liver damage can do that to your brain. He's been there for almost a week for breaking his ankle (needs rehab. Has pins and screws etc) but he says it doesn't bother him at all. He's an addict and an alcoholic for years. He's 69 and I'm surprised he's still alive. What should I do? Calling doesn't seem to help him and he's in another state. My sister might go see him after the holiday plane fares go back down. I'm trying to stay detached in a way because otherwise I think I'll have a breakdown. I know he's old but my dad can't die. Not like this.

[Victoria'smom]

I'd try to go. I'd regret it if I didn't but my dad and I are close.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Moose72: I'm sorry your dad is ailing. (He & I are of similar age, by the way.) My thinking is that calling is probably the best thing to do. The fact that your dad isn't tracking the conversation probably doesn't really matter. What's important is that he knows you care & you're keeping in touch as best you can. My thought would be that more frequent calls of shorter duration are probably the best under the circumstances. The content probably isn't important... it's just hearing your voice & having someone familiar to connect with that's important.

Of course, you can also send flowers or candy or whatever else you think he might enjoy. You might also consider speaking with the nursing staff. If there's one of them that has worked with your dad more than others, this person might have some suggestions as to what would be helpful. Unfortunately, I don't know if there really is a way to be detached & also be sustaining. They're kind-of at two ends of a continuum.

P.S. One very practical thing you & your sister might do, if you can, is to assemble a photo album for your dad. Perhaps your sister could take it with her if-&-when she visits him. I think this is often something that is done for people who are struggling with memory issues.

[Moose72]

Thanks skeezyks.

I'm trying to be detached but it seems that Wellbutrin doesn't prevent sadness.

My sister has spoken with the nurses. Maybe I should too- to see what their picture of him is.

I will call again. He knew who I was and sounded happy to hear my voice so that's good.

[leejosepho]

I am 66, my two daughters are 900 miles away and I think a five-minute phone call or two every day or so would be fine for me...and I would likely be among the first to suggest something like waiting for lower fares if either or both wanted to come visit.

[bizi]

first of all 69 is not old!
But I guess age is just a number and the roads we follow play a big role in how we end up in life.
I am sorry for the hardships that you faced when growing up.
You could commit to calling at the same time every day and if he is able...that could be something that he looks forward to your calls.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Ocean Swimmer]

My grandpa was in a recovery hospital. He hated it. So I called a bunch of relatives and we made a schedule. I was Wednesday. We'd each call on our day.
My dad I had to keep my distance from. He was a Jekkel and Hyde. One personality for when he was sober the other for his drunk self.
You mentioned your dad is an addict too.
Mine would sober up if he needed something. His 7 th wife hit him in the head with the phone. A big old fashioned land line phone. He had to have an operation on his eardrum.
Your dad lives far away too huh? Mine did too. But arranged to have operation in my state about 90 miles away.
But the thing you didn't say was why you feel the need for detachment.
During the years my dad stayed drunk from morning till night I had to stay away from him. He was an out of control nasty drunk.
So when I saw him in hospital it wasn't a good experience. I asked a girlfriend to go with me, I was afraid to be alone with him. Then she stayed and talked to him. He could be very charming.
I ran as fast as I could back to my car.
So when considering weather you want to see him, think of your mental health. I was extremely vulnerable to my fathers alcohol problem. It felt so bad to see what it did to him.
Even though my dad drank a quart of cutty sark whiskey a day he lived till almost his 80th birthday.
So Moose, do what you need to do for you too. He could outlive you or die tomorrow, we can't control those things.
I was troubled that I couldn't see my dad. But his alcoholism was too heavy for me. He died cutting himself shaving.

[Ripose]

I was in a very similar situation as your father. I did not know where I was, what year it was, where I was or even the faces of visitors. At one point the Dr. told my wife I would be dead in as little as 10 minutes. I remember opening my eyes though and seeing my wife stroking my hair, I told her to quit stroking me, it was annoying and she started to laugh and cry at the same time. Yes I have liver damage and brain damage but I am back to my basic self. How much difference it made seeing my wife I'll never be sure, but just having contact with her seemed to be the most important thing in the world.

I would suggest that sending your dad a family photograph with the names written on the back so the nurses could help him remember who everyone is. Plus having the picture would bring a smile to his face. Add to that your phone calls and you will have helped him greatly.

[Wild Coyote]

Thinking of you-

(((((( Moose ))))))


WC

[Moose72]

Ripose, you gave me an idea: for years my dad has been asking for scans of old family photos but it's just so much work to scan and reprint or put them on CD. He couldn't see them on CD in the hospital anyway. I could get into my photo stash from years gone by 70s and 80s) and just send him some outright. It would mean never getting them back but his sister has done the same for me and it's meant a lot. Only problem is my mom: she is protective of those old photos. Giving them to a guy she divorced years ago might not go down well. (They're at her house.)

[Victoria'smom]

Can't you make a photo book from like shutterfly or walmart?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Can't you make a photo book from like shutterfly or walmart?

Do you bring the actual photos there - prints?

No, you need to scan the photos into .jpeg files. I made a photobook of a trip I took and it was pretty cool About 55 photos are ideal

I don't think I saw you say how far away he is.

[Moose72]

He's in Virginia and I'm in Michigan

[Moose72]

Do you bring the photos to Walmart then they help you scan them?

[Misssy2]

I'm sorry you are going thru this...I'm sorry your Dad has this illness (alcoholism/addiction)...My hope for him is that he wants to stop and then he can recover.

I know as an alcoholic myself..I would feel like I put my kid out if they visited or like I was "dying"....I think everyone gave you some good suggestions...Hang in there.

[Victoria'smom]

You can call walmart and ask I know they have scanners.

[Moose72]

I just called the hospital. Talked to two people in charge of his care. Lots going on. They had no idea he's an alcoholic! He needs rehab and will be discharged tomorrow. He came in with a bone out! And a severe UTI and was delerious. He doesn't want to leave the hospital but insurance will stop paying.

[Victoria'smom]

Can he get into a rehab?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Can he get into a rehab?

Yes he's picked out a rehab facility. The nurse just says he doesn't want to go. Hope he changes his mind as they are discharging him at 10 am tomorrow

[Victoria'smom]

glad they know his medical history now, hopefully it goes smoothly.