[Theresa1991]

I know you cannot diagnose me and I don't expect you to. I just would like to know your opinions as you are experienced with the different shapes this illness can take.

My story begins at age 3 or 4 when getting seriously depressed. Years of depression and anxiety followed. I avoided social contacts. I was considered to be extraordinarily intelligent. Then between 9 and 12 I had a quiet phase. At 14 I started cutting due to depression. I didn't have a nice childhood. At 15 I got anorexic and then started smoking weed. Then I started having phases of high productivity and incredible excitement and little sleep, but also lots of aggressions at the time. Then depression again and so on. I used to high function about four months and then crash being afraid to die and reducing all activities to zero. Then I got into a relationship and started showing borderline traits, that declined over the years. I was pretty much depressed in this relationship as my partner also was and all the weight of daily life was on my shoulders. I remember having my high phases but I could barely live them because he would hate me for feeling good. When I got out of this relationship I fell in love anew, spent months in Southamerica and started partying a lot and doing cocaine. Came back to Germany eight months ago barely sleeping (and not on drugs), starting new sports, new job, getting really passionate about a lot of things, obsessive about my relationship with the Southamerican, then ended up in hospital after self-medicating and started over anew after ending this relationship too. Since then the episodes show more clearly even though they have been prominent before. Sometimes I am just SO VERY ****ING happy I love my life and don't want the day to end or can't sleep until the alarm rings because there are so many things to do and my body is shivering with energy and I cannot keep still and I need to get up and get things done and then all of a sudden I wake up and the world is clouded and nothing makes sense and I just want to jump out of the window (an idea that kind of got me). And all of a sudden it is gone and I will be more than just fine again or completely normal for a few days. I never know when which thing is going to happen.

They're considering (my pdoc and t) adhd, bipolar II, cyclothymia and borderline. Left mentioning that I show some highly risky behaviour and well, sometimes spend too much money and abuse substances, but not exaggeratedly.

[Victoria'smom]

I'd just go with bipolar until they tell you otherwise.

[JustJace2u]

I agree with the above ^^^

[BipolaRNurse]

I think my pdoc would call it bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified). It's kind of a wastebasket diagnosis that means "we think you may have bipolar but don't know which flavor". It was my diagnosis for a couple of years, before a defining episode landed me in the hospital and got me dx'd bipolar 1. It does sound like you may have a few borderline traits in there too, but of course I'm only a nurse and can't diagnose.

[MissCathryn]

It sounds like Bipolar NOS. I am too. I hae found that bipolar sometimes is very different for everyone. There is no cookie cutter set of symptoms. Everyone is different