BArely hanging on. VERRRRY long post

don't know what else to do. I am in a deep, deep depression that I prayed I would never experience again. Trying to hard to not affect my kids in any way makes everything even harder. The only thoughts in my head are guilt, shame, anger, regret and more guilt. Nothing is ok, my life sucks, it will always suck. I have no friends and barely any family. I spent Christmas alone after my boys went to their dad's. I slept all day, then stayed in my room for the night. Monday, my boys were still at their dads. I stayed in my room all day and night. My house is slowly going to crap. I have no motivaation to clean and organize. A few weeks ago, I felt great! I have been in a slow decline since then. The worst day was Christmas, and it is getting worse!

I am trying my Adderall to give me a little boost, and it does help temporarily. I am trying a xanax 1-2x a day to help. My doc just raised my dosage of Lamictal from 250mg to 300mg. I really felt that increase kick in a bit ago, but it went away. All I want to do is be in bed watching TV. I have to work in an hour and I cannot bear to think I have to put on a happy face. It is so, so hard. I am so envious of people that don't have these horrible things to deal with. Daily, lately, my life is a hell I cannot escape from. Thank God for my boys. They are my world, and I do my best to stay on track for them. They didn't deserve a sick mom. They deserve better than that.

For anyone that has made it this far in my post, thank you. It is crazy long and I just needed to let it out to people that have been right where I am right now.

Bipolar is a nightmare that you can't ever wake up from. You just have to do your best to cope.

This is awful, and I hope it passes soon. I guess it will at some point, but when? I never know what I will feel like when I wake up. Will I feel motivation? Will I just wanna go back to bed? Will I have obsessive thoughts about something stupid?

I HATE this disease that we all have been burdened with.

I now have to decide whether I am going to work or not tonight.

God, I would give anything not to go. I need a break

You are stronger than you think you are

Where's the rest (it's not that long )?

Can you afford to miss work for one day or more? If you do choose not to go, do something else, don't stay in bed.

Children don't need a parent that does everything for them, they just need to know what to expect. Any confusion as to what to expect is a problem. So be honest about what you can and can't do at times and ask them to help you.

You expect too much. You really have no reason to feel guilty. Or tell me why I'm wrong.

I'm sure many of us can really relate to your post. I was in a tunnel of blackness without hope for anything. I was able to get out only to trip and fall back in. It's really a vicious cycle and I really do feel your pain. But you do have friends and family within the PC community. Please PM me or anyone else you feel comfortable with if you would like more one on one communication so you don't feel alone. You can get through this. It may not feel like it, but continue to put forth the effort to feel better and you will eventually feel better. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

ps- your post wasn't that long, I've read waaaay longer....and your boys have an awesome mom!!

Your post wasn't That long and it sounds like you're a great mother. You care about your boys. I totally understand the not knowing who you will be in the morning. I get really stressed out about making plans because I don't know if I can do it or not. Hugs to you