Accepting your diagnosis

I was diagnosed nine years ago. An earlier diagnosis of depression and generalized anxiety was made 20 years ago. The earlier diagnosis was easier to accept because it matched my symptoms. It was a no brainer. Bipolar disorder, on the other hand, is a more slippery animal. It's a fluid disease that plays hide and seek with our perceptions and our desire to feel validated that the diagnosis is correct.

For me, it's not just doubts about the accuracy of my diagnosis, but I struggle with the internal arguments that challenge the validity of bipolar ll disorder as a real disease. I listen to the internal judgements that brush aside the pain and despair of my struggle and tell me that I need to grow up and deal with my issues just like everyone has too. They tell me that my real problem is a lack of emotional maturity, and a laziness of character and a weakness of the mind as the reasons that I don't take control of my thinking and my emotions. Buying into the idea of a mental illness is a cop out and an excuse to not be a responsible adult who has control over their life, who rises to challenge of adversity, and is a contributing member of society, and whose life has meaning and order.

Jesus! How do you fight against that, especially when depressed and vulnerable to the power of those arguments. I'm trying. I'm doing the work of therapy, sopport groups, DBT and PTSD classes, and diligently taking my medications. Until somebody can definitively disprove my diagnosis and delegitimize the construct of the mood spectrum, I will continue to fight for acceptance and live a life that is cognizant of my limitations while still striving for meaning and peace of mind. Happy New Year Bipolar Forum.