[iamtwilight]

Okay, here's the story.

I was diagnosed exactly 16 days ago with bipolar disorder. I've had suspicions of it for a few years, ever since I started high school, but when I actually went to a doctor AND a psychologist, they told me I was acting like that because my dad has an alcohol problem.

I got my diagnosis at the psych ward because I tried to commit suicide on August 2nd. The doctors and the nurses have been telling me to make research on bipolar disorder, to become "the expert of my condition".

Now, the problem is that I think I'm too aware of it, and I'm too accepting of my parents' and my boyfriend's nurturing, and giving nothing in return except emotional burden.

I have issues with my roommate, I haven't been talking to her for a week and I escaped to my parents' house so I wouldn't have to face her. She says I'm being unfair but quite frankly, I could care less, and I want her out of my life.

She's been an emotional burden to me for quite some time now, and I know it's unfair that I'm not speaking to her because at some point I'm going to HAVE to. Now, she is at the psych ward (it seems we take turns in being there) and I have sick plans in my mind.

I've kinda permitted myself to use being bipolar as an excuse to not to be the way I used to be, ambitious, caring and selfless. But maybe on the other side, that lead me to being a martyr (at least according to my roommate..) and bitter.

This could or could not be a prelude to a manic episode, since the last time I acted like this was in December.. And a week later I was in the eye of the storm.

I don't know.. I don't think I'm being myself anymore, haven't been since I got diagnosed. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm bipolar, but I don't think it's good at all. Right now I wish I didn't know, so I could keep living on the way I used to, but maybe I would be just as miserable..

Gah. Sorry to dump all this on you.. But I guess I just needed to vent. If anyone's got any advice, I'd be thankful.. In fact, any kind of input will be appreciated..

[lenjan]

Here's a tip for you: If you think you're a narcissistic idiot, by default, you are NOT. Narcissistic idiots are never that self-aware. (I was raised by one.)

It's a tough diagnosis to adjust to, and it's OK to accept nurturing when you're at a point where you can't nurture yourself. I think you sound perfectly fine and normal, given what you're faced with at the moment. Somewhere down the road, you'll be stable and better equipped to nurture others.

Hang in there, and welcome to PC.

Candy

[dreamrunner]

candybear.....give youself a break girl....your too hard on yourself!

[iamtwilight]

Thanks to both of you!
It's terribly relieving to hear that. It made me feel a bit better.

"Narcissistic idiots are never that self-aware."
I think my roommate would probably call me that right now, but I heard it's easy to feel guilty when you're blamed.. Even when you're not really guilty.

Thanks again.