[stormcentral]

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder since around 3 weeks ago. It is probably caused by the stress of childbirth and raising a kid. I am a single mom with not father or family support. My pregnancy was a result of rape. I can't find the guy and don't know the guy but it was a Japanese man when I was doing some a summer research independent study during university. I decided to keep it because I already knew since early in my teenage years I had fertility issues. The entire pregnancy was horrible and I was extremely ill the entire 9 months. I was never getting pregnant again whether I want to or not (I can't since I needed a hysterectomy age 23).

Having the kid definitely forced me to raise standard for myself re:dating pool and salary aspirations. I noticed I was getting unstable a few years ago, and some people would say I'm moody sometimes. Right now I am in a drepession cycle. I don't know when I'll leave the darkness. I don't take antidepressants because I take a mood stabilizer and 2 doctors said don't want me to take both. The stabilizer doesn't really help my depression. It Just might help me stay in a job though. My depressive cycles and bipolar is directly linked to my ability to earn money and support my kid.

In the past, I was quitting a job regardless of what it pays if the owners are pyschos or I feel I'm not being paid fairly like the others in my same position (or they renege on a previous agreement about pay) or I'm bored after 3 months but try to stay for 6... It turns out I'll take any job when I'm desperate and really motivated and high energy to do well the first few months but if I'm to work long term, I need a job where I am learning, motivated, mentally stimulated with new projects and assignments. I can't do any super repetitive work or I will lose my mind. This didn't always use to be the case. I worked at the country club for over 3 years when I was a teenager, and after moving to Japan I was a teacher for at least 3 or 4 years before I had to move on to something else.

I was just talking to my old boss from 2015 last week. I told him about my conditions and he said I was very smart so my condition would explain why I am not "deep in some career by now." In 2015 when I was still working with him, one time he randomly told me: "sometimes you are brilliant and sometimes you are insane. So I don't always know which girl I'm talking to." But I didnt know I was bipolar at the time. But I was suspecting since around 2014 to have some probably. But I thought it was only because of my money issue. The reason I left that place in 2015 is because they are a small development agency and they didn't have any projects for me. My ex boss merged with another company and so my set salary was no longer. The payment scheme changed. My salary was now directly dependent on them getting customers and new projects from people who want to build new applications. So, I was neither learning or earning a real salary for 3-4 months. I went from $3900 per month salary to around $1000+ per month. So I was getting anxious, unstable and stressed out to be there. I can't work full time the same hours for $1000. I obviously had to find other work. My rent alone was $950. The remaining $50 can't pay bills, transportation, food, childcare, etc.

I am job hunting now in abroad and the states. Put in a bunch of applications. I need a special kind of position that's going to accommodate me enough. I currently do a remote job over the internet but my salary is like $200 per month now. That is down from $1400-1800 (part time) when I first started in January 2016. This summer was around $800 per month... so it was a gradual decline. I don't depend on this job at all. The reason the salary is so low is because they have scaled rapidly and needed to expand to the team to 150+ more customer support advisors, so no one can really get decent hours. That's why I save lots of money when I do work because I never know when I will quit if the pay changes or if the hours change. I have to be able to weather out a storm because I'm not eligible for unemployment anywhere.

My solution for income now is staying in school. Hence I am doing the masters degree. If no one wants to hire me, I just have to stay studying. At least the $1400 - $1800 from stipend refund every 2 months helps for now.

It may be interesting to note I move between Tokyo, London and some city in the states on a constant basis. I go where ever a job or money is. I leave when it makes me unhappy or doesn't pay enough. I have had at least 5 marriage proposals in the last 7 years. I always tell everyone no. I always change how I feel about whether I want to be in a relationship or not. To be honest, I have no idea why any of these guys like me. lol.

I have a degree in legal studies, attended a programmers bootcamp, took a few college CS courses on the side. and now masters doing in cybersecurity. I can't even decide what I want to do and stick to it long enough to be good at it. I'm trying my best to increase my skills with cybersecurity and stay engaged on my own because it's quite tough to get an internship or get hired as a junior. There are so many certifications to take but I need to make enough time to study some... I might get distracted. I really hope the mood stabilizers will help me stay focused. I have already cancelled my social media account so i can focus. I need to have some progress and something to show by April. I'm giving myself 3 months to get out of the darkness, find a job, and hopefully fell healthy and secure with myself.

I guess I would like advice on staying in a job, staying in a relationship, staying in one country. Maybe I'm a commitment phobe. I live a gypsy lifestyle but its not the best for my daughter because she is in elementary school now and we have no real support network or friends anywhere beyond the superficial level. I havent told many people I'm most definitely bipolar and spiraling out of control. I'm still new with the lithium but I only take 400mg per day. Is it enough? Maybe the effect did not kick in yet...

[Skeezyks]

Hello stormcentral: I'm sorry I cannot really offer any suggestions with regard to your concerns. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit. It can take a bit of time to get established here on PC. But if you continue to post, & reply to other members' posts, very soon you'll be right at home. May I suggest you introduce yourself in our new members introductions forum?

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

I offer my best wishes to you & your daughter...

[benzenering]

Regarding the lithium, you need to get your lithium in your blood checked every so often (I've been on it for awhile so I get mine checked every 6 months). This will determine if you are taking enough of it, too much, or just right. Can't give you advice on the rest but to say that therapy is helping me. Welcome to PC.

[WhiskeyGirl]

((hugs)) I am so sorry. My difficult pregnancies set off my PTSD symptoms from being abused as a child. Do you have a church group or some friends who can offer stability and support?