[dsmith]

Hi all - I joined this site 1.5 yrs ago, but it's been a while since I posted.

I’ll cut to the chase: I’m really at the barrel bottom right now.

I was diagnosed w/ Bipolar I w/ Depression in September 2016. This was after 6 years of an intense roller coaster life on all fronts: social, personal, and professional. I finished my MBA in 2010, and went through intense highs and lows. Textbook Bipolar behavior.

My wife and I separated for a little over a year. I was exhibiting what I didn’t realize at the time was textbook manic behavior: sleeping very little, rambling, irritability, grandiose thoughts, etc. She was at her wits end: she told me to leave the house, and I happily complied with her request.

We tried to reconcile a couple times, but my problem was that I’d (like most people in the throes of a manic episode) embraced a new religious faith. I regarded any questions or doubts she voiced about the conversion as an affront to my core being, and flew into a rage.

Things seemed to be going swimmingly: I rekindled many old friendships, began dating, and (thought) I was spending quality time with our three children on weekends. However, as with any divorce, things were very contentious with my wife. Nasty texts and emails, speaking almost entirely through high-priced lawyers, and allegations and general unpleasantness abounded.

Things at work went from horrible to catastrophic quickly. I worked at a giant, horrible bank, reporting to a giant, horrible boss who was promoted far beyond his ability. I managed to stick it out for a little over a year, and then got shown the door unceremoniously.

Roughly 15 months after we separated, I “hit the wall,” as many "bipolar bears” are wont to do. With no job, no place to live (my lease had expired shortly after I was laid off), and the relationship with my children on life support, I went back to my wife and asked for help. She told me what my friends and family had been trying to tell me all along: I very likely had a mental disorder and needed to get checked out ASAP.

My wife took me to the emergency room, where they admitted me to the inpatient psychiatric facility. After several years of misdiagnoses (ADHD, depression), the doctors took the more comprehensive history from my wife: she told them about my ups and downs, highs and lows, and they promptly deduced that this was Bipolar I depression.

So now I’m back at home, taking Lamictal and Lyrica to help stabilize me. Additionally, I undergo ECT treatments once a month for “maintenance." I’ve been unemployed for nearly 6 months, and have sharply curtailed my social activities.

Everyone around me keeps telling me how much “better” I sound and how “proud” they are of me for “focusing on my health.” I guess I can’t debate them, but the strongest feeling I have right now is boredom, mixed with frustration about how hard it is to find employment.

In large part I feel like Henry Hill at the end of Goodfellas:
“I’m an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.”

[Moose72]

So you have been diagnosed with bipolar 2?

[Travelinglady]

I know that's hard. I had to go on disability. I try to do all sorts of things to keep from being bored. Maybe a hobby while you continue to check out the job situation?

[bioChE]

Thanks for sharing, all that stuff is hard to write. Best of luck to you. For what it's worth, we are here to support and help you as much as we can.

[*Laurie*]

Thanks for your update. I can relate to your boredom and empty hours. It does sound like you (your mental health) are doing better than you were?

[Daonnachd]

For the boredom, you could explore the library's collection. I know it's tough to read while undergoing ECT, but there would be lots of options. If , like me, you lose plot threads when you go in for an ECT treatment, you could rely primarily on their film collection. My other strategy is to simply read more and faster between treatments with the goal of finishing my book before the ECT. The secondary benefit is the activity it will create for you.

[raspberrytorte]

I understand the boredom. I feel bored everyday as well. I impulsively quit my job at the beginning of July and now stay home with my daughter. Right now we live in the middle of nowhere and I don't know anyone here, so we spend all of our time at home.

Anyway, no advice. I'm just bored too.

[spotofbipolar]

You have an amazing wife to be prepared to take you on. Embrace it. It's a special thing.

[dsmith]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I know that's hard. I had to go on disability. I try to do all sorts of things to keep from being bored. Maybe a hobby while you continue to check out the job situation?

Thanks Travelinglady. Yes, am working on disability, with help from my wife.

Regarding hobbies, they require a sufficient amount of free time. I may have mentioned that I have 3 kids. So any free time I have is sucked up by chasing after them. I know I'm "supposed to be" happy to have 3 "beautiful kids" and all that. But all I feel is frustrated and trapped. Unfortunately I know that, given my precarious mental condition, I cannot be by myself, and that I need someone to watch over me.

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

It does sound like you (your mental health) are doing better than you were?

In a sense, yes. My wife and I had an extremely acrimonious separation. While I enjoyed the freedom, it was mentally (and financially) draining to be at war with the entire world 24/7. But right now, I have no job, I am bored in my marriage, and I feel trapped because as much as I want to be out on my own, I cannot do it under the current circumstances. Feel like Sisyphus, pushing the boulder up the hill.

Ech.

[dsmith]

Cards on the table - I miss the fun of the manic state; I felt many things during that year, but "boredom" was definitely not one of them. However, I also know the huge negative impact that it had on me and everyone around me, who became "collateral damage."

I am very grateful to have this resource: for the last few months I've been scared to write anything down, as it might be scrutinized by my wife and "entered in as evidence." Hopefully giving vent to my frustration and sadness will help ease the pain slightly.

Thanks everyone.

[dsmith]

Originally Posted by Moose72

So you have been diagnosed with bipolar 2?

Bipolar 1 w Depression

[dsmith]

Originally Posted by spotofbipolar

You have an amazing wife to be prepared to take you on. Embrace it. It's a special thing.

I agree; I am very fortunate, and I should be overjoyed that she is willing to try to help me. That is what I'm trying to focus on. Thanks.