Does it end at anything other than your hand? *tw*

I've been having some really troubling thoughts.

I am BpII

My flat, where I live alone, has become an awful place for me. I have built it up so much that I can't walk in and live there. It's so lonely. And I feel it.

I've had this round of depression for months. I think about a friend who walked out of my life daily. It causes me such panic and anxiety.

I am in constant tears. I feel as though I'm trying hard but I must not be good enough because the suicidal thoughts are loud and constant. I think I've read every possible method. Nothing is easy. But I still sit here in pain.

I'm at my moms now and she is close and keeping a watch on me.

How do you hold on against the thoughts that constantly say you must go and come with such a rush of anxiety that you feel as though you must.

I'm so tired. I really am. All my friends and lovers have gone. If only I had one I could just rest on at the moment for intimacy maybe things would be better. But my stupid actions mean that they are not.

I really would like to go. But I don't.

that sounds difficult and even scary to deal with. youre a strong person to get through that and im glad your at your moms right now to collect your thoughts. suicide isnt just about feeling sad. You can feel the rush suddenly even when there isnt necessarily a reason. and therefore dont blame yourself for not being good enough or figuring yourself out, this is beyond will power! a good thing to realize is youre not at fault if you feel depressed, in fact everytime u go through it your brain is sort of paveing that pathway making it easier next time, so talk to a doctor and say youre having trouble controlling your emotions. think of that as a medical thing, not a personal failure! and anything you can do to prevent it is great
as for the things that really have made you sad and possibly started this cycle, the end of relationships and being lonely, what are some ideas you have for repairing those parts of your life? do you have any ideas or goals to think about? Making a plan for yourself, even if its just a plan for how youre going to stay focused tomorrow, that is so good!
you can do this, you need to get some clarity but i think you can do this and i dont want you to do it alone so thats why i recommend a therapist or doctor just to help rewire ur brain a bit

i dont know if thats helpful or comforting, i dont think you should blame yourself, i can tell from reading your post that some things broke you down and that kept getting fed, but you can also feed the part of you that fights to stay bright and your going to see that grow

I wonder if moving to a new flat would help. Or getting a roommate.

Thanks Oceam Swimmer

I am thinking about moving. As Shameful as it is maybe I should move back to my mums. I am so lonely and longing for intimacy that moving Hom would wreck but perhaps I should

If you're feeling suicidal and researching ways to perform the act, you're much better off at home with loved ones. Intimacy will come with time and you can learn from past mistakes and avoid repeating them in the future; that actually is something you can count on if you determine to reflect honestly (which it sounds like you're doing) and resolve to not repeat.

Definitely DO NOT feel ashamed if you go back and live with your mom. I am 45 and had to move back in with my ex-husband bc I couldn't cut being on my own. We don't always get along, but it works as best as it can

Thank you to all for your replies.

The concept of ST must be my fault? People say I just need to get out there or go internet dating. I long for a partner as an example but part of me is really worried about this condition and the energy it saps.

I will contact my doctor but I feel so devoid of energy at the moment and the only thing that gets the heart racing is the suicidal thoughts.

I just reached out to my ex partner and desperately asked to get back together. I am just scratching for someone to hold onto. We had become friends in recent times. She said no and has now basically cut contact. I think she does it to protect herself. I know she does. I understand that.

My poor mom doesn't understand and is at her wits end. She keeps telling me to think of others and the pain I would bring them. I feel guilty for thinking of suicide when know what it would do. The sad part is that despite knowing all of this its probably only the pain and shame that keeps me here.

Please speak with your doctor.

As for moving home, don't be ashamed. If my mom was still alive I'd live with her in a heartbeat, and I'm 54.

You are not alone. (((HUGS)))

I think you shouldn't be worried that you are home right now. It is good that you have someone to look after you. I have no shame of being at my parent's in my mid 30s.

I think what has really got you down is not having a partner, and I know I have struggled with that with some time. You've got to learn that there are a lot of people out there you can communicate with and be friends with.

I wouldn't resort to online dating because honestly, you aren't ready, and if it didn't work out, well, you would be devestated. Do things that make YOU happy that can bring you some level of joy. I have learned that depending on someone else for your happiness can bring you more pain.

Be kind to yourself and I am glad to see you on PsychCentral (Thanks for following my blog, I hope this site has helped you).

(((HUGS)))

Thanks to all and yes thank you for your blog lady shadow. It's a very good read and very helpful to see you express your battle so eloquently.

The thing that is hammering me about my thoughts at the moment is the little flutters that come with thinking about it. I get this rush to the heart. It's a panic attack. I've never had these before. I think about it and then panic and then want to go out and do stuff to myself.

You are probably right about Internet dating. It's pretty vain and I'm no Fabio.

I'm 37 now and just keep saying to myself that I can't get to 40.'

I have a little boy who keeps me in it. My mum says I have to break the cycle for men in the family. Her dad went young. Her brothers went young. My dad went young. Not suicide. She says I can't leave my little boy like that. I just can't stop the thoughts.

Great advice.