Restarting Me

Morning y'all, where I live, it's literally just past midnight, so I know some of the nocturnals amongst us will see this anyway!

Little Background about myself:

I'm very young, working at a large global engineering firm, and I'm a freshly trained Mechanical Engineer. After completing apprenticeship, I got taken on full time, and moved officially into a specific job role, which I had been doing unofficially for two years.

I was very happy, except for two little things:

> Extra job training was required, which meant travel. As I was the most experienced, (despite being the youngest) in my department, I was given this opportunity. Quite frankly, I didn't want it, although I know I was lucky to be offered it, because it involved working in another country for at least two weeks.

I was very scared about going, I have some confidence issues (Also High Functioning Autism), and would be going abroad by myself for this first time. Not a good mix.

> Dept. was poorly organised, and demands from customer were increasing at a really shocking rate. So much so, that we were being asked to go 'above and beyond' our roles more and more. I'm all for being flexible, but the job requirements became blurred, then non-existent.

Both of these began to take a SERIOUS toll on my BP, which I had been 'managing' with Lithium (500mg a day). Decided it wasn't working for me, and swapped to Lamotrigine (100mg a day), or as some may know it, Lamictal.

This medicine does work, and I noticed significant improvements in my moods (elevated, which was nice), and energy, but this was short lived. Long story short, these effects of the medicine were overshadowed by the increasingly stressful job, and the prospect of travel.

I did what was asked of me, and went, for two weeks. I travelled abroad, and learnt a lot, and when I got back, I used this in my job. However, I had several 'mini-meltdowns' when I was over there, and lost a ton of weight from stressing in my alien surroundings. (I struggle to put weight on anyway, so this was a serious problem for me, also impacts energy levels).

It turns out that I needed to complete a further 6 weeks training abroad in the New Year, so I once again prepared myself.

The trouble is, I'm a thinker, and it started getting to me. I couldn't handle the thought of going back, and 2 days before I was due to fly, I had a meltdown. A big one.

Suicidal thoughts were presenting themselves, on the drive home that day, I must have come up with about 10 different ways to kill myself. However, I struggled on, and after talking with my family about how I felt, I decided enough was enough. The job I work has caused this meltdown many many times, because it is an extremely high stress environment. They always get worse, similar sort of thoughts, loss of appetite, excessive sleeping, deep depressions that last for months etc.

I had reached my breaking point, and asked for two weeks off work. This is the first time that being BP has ever caused me to have time off work, and I got diagnosed less than a year ago.

Naturally, work were concerned, and realised what the job was doing to me. I had a meeting with them recently, during my time off, and they agreed that the best thing would be to move me to a low stress dept. for a while, whether that's a year or two, just so I can focus on getting myself stable long term. They've also offered increased support, and displayed real concern for my wellbeing.

I was convinced before the meeting that because I didn't complete my training, and because I didn't travel the second time around, I would have lost my job. When I went into the meeting, I was pleasantly surprised. They told me that they valued me, and acknowledged my technical expertise. They pretty much told me that they didn't want to lose me, and that I could continue with my degree studies outside of work. They told me that I was skilled, and that they knew I worked hard and was a good employee.

The relief I got hearing those words, and knowing I can continue to work at the company I love, is completely immeasurable. I feel like a gigantic burden has just evaporated, and I can move on with my life, down this different route. I can focus on getting better, and work were kind enough to point out that this was merely a rough patch, and that it has not impacted my career in anyway. I just needed a break.

I feel like I can finally move on, start again, with a clean slate, from a blank sheet. Me V2.0. I go back to work on Monday, and I'm already feeling refreshed any ready to get my hands dirty!

Thanks to everyone who has supported me here on the past, whether it's been genuine advice, or just a simple 'hug'. Much appreciated, you guys got me through some hard times, and you rock!

Wish me luck!!

Deja_Vu

What a great story! You are very lucky.

Wonderful!
So glad to hear you're on the mend and ready for action!

Nice to meet you.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I am sorry that you had to go thru that and am glad that you reached out to your family for support.
Especially happy that you have your job still and that they were supportive as well.
Awesome!
That is not a very large dose of lamictal, have you increased this?
bizi

Thanks! I'm very grateful for how this has turned out!

Thanks, I feel ready to jump back into the world again!

Thanks, I'm really happy!

I have not, I started on 100mg, but I could probably use a little more!

the regular dose is 200mg
bizi

Glad things worked out for you. At least they're looking out for you.

Glad things are looking up.