[Naynay99]

Hey. Another random musing by yours truly. I feel like maybe if I write down what is in my head I will understand it better. Anyway, I feel okay. No major complaints. But I feel kind of blah. Bored and boring. This doesn't feel the apathy of major depression. It's not that I don't care about anything, it's just that nothing is really affecting me much one way or the other. So. Is this just what normal feels like? Is it possible that I crave the chaos I have longed to be rid of and that I am living in normalcy and just don't recognize it?? Or is this some Verson of "depression lite" that I am unfamiliar with?

I sort of feel like when you live by a road and hear all of the road noises at night and at first it bothers you but once you get used to it, it actually lulls you to sleep. So when you go somewhere that is really quiet you can't sleep because the silence is too ****ing loud...

I don't know what I mean. I am just bored. Even my loneliness is toned down. I feel like it would be nice to be with somebody but don't feel intensely lonely or anything. My life feels like dry white toast with nothing on it. I can eat it, it's not gross, but it isn't satisfying. I would almost rather be eating liver and onions, which are revolting, because at least I can actually TASTE that. And I would probably make a funny horrified look or spit it out uncouthly into a napkin and have a funny story to tell the next day. No one remembers dry toast. What the hell is wrong with me. Am I depressed? Or is this something else?

Whatever this is, I don't like it. Or hate it. But I don't think I am used to not feeling whatever I feel completely. All in. I fear maybe part of me is more comfortable being miserable than being so-so. This can't be normal. I don't feel like ME. I don't feel like much of anything. I could wake up and repeat today and be alright with it. But I don't really feel excited about stuff or overwhelmed by stuff; I just am sort of here. I am playing a minor part in the tv show of my life when I am used to playing the starring role. I don't know what the hell I am trying to say.

Do I sound depressed? Please tell me normal isn't this unremarkable...

[gina_re]

IMO, normal doesn't exist and is subjective. But I know what you mean and completely understand your post. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice because I exist in a similar would that you're describing. You're not alone in this.

[blue_eyed_siamese]

I have no comforting words other than to let you know I know exactly what you're feeling. Again, you are not alone.

[rwwff]

Just watch your sleep and try to resist it if it wants to take you out of your rhythm into overly long sleep periods. Sneaky thing, depression....

[MobiusPsyche]

I wish I knew. I kind of think normal is getting annoyed by little things though.

[xRavenx]

I don't think there's any need to label it. You said you are bored; dissatisfied with life. It sounds more like you are just unhappy with your current situation and that something needs to change, but it's hard to determine what that might entail. Do you have a good therapist? These sound like issues you can work through, especially with professional help to guide you and for you to talk through these things so that you can identify what changes you can make in life.

I can relate to a lot of what you say, and it's normal to question whether it's dysthymia or not. It's typical for anyone to go through phases of dissatisfaction with life or feeling that something is 'missing.' Sometimes we have to be careful not to pathologize these feelings, since it's just part of being human.

[Naynay99]

Yeah- i have a hard time not overanalyzing **** sometimes. I know- I don't want to attach pathology to what may actually just be normal human emotions and personality traits. Ugh.
I spoke to my best friend and she said it sounded like I temporarily lost some of my awe and "muchness". We are trying to plan an adventure for the near future, or at least a plan for her upcoming bday to satisfy the need to rid life of some boredom and sameness. So the idea of that makes me feel a little bit better.
Maybe I am just having a blah day or week or whatever. I don't know.
I see my T this Wednesday. She commented last week that my mood had seemed really good and hopeful 2 weeks ago and then last week i seemed a bit down. So maybe this is low grade depression or maybe I am just a bit dissatisfied with things as they are. I Will see what she says. Thanks.

[bioChE]

What other people tell me is normal, I find boring. I can relate to your dry toast analogy.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

Yeah- i have a hard time not overanalyzing **** sometimes. I know- I don't want to attach pathology to what may actually just be normal human emotions and personality traits. Ugh.
I spoke to my best friend and she said it sounded like I temporarily lost some of my awe and "muchness". We are trying to plan an adventure for the near future, or at least a plan for her upcoming bday to satisfy the need to rid life of some boredom and sameness. So the idea of that makes me feel a little bit better.
Maybe I am just having a blah day or week or whatever. I don't know.
I see my T this Wednesday. She commented last week that my mood had seemed really good and hopeful 2 weeks ago and then last week i seemed a bit down. So maybe this is low grade depression or maybe I am just a bit dissatisfied with things as they are. I Will see what she says. Thanks.

That's good you are going to your T. I used to be in the habit of mood tracking, and I'm trying to get back into it (moodtracker.com), where you can notice your patterns and any "warning signs" of a possible episode. It also helps you be more mindful of your sleeping patterns, etc. so that you can address certain things along the way. In your case, it's good you are self-aware (although I totally relate to over analyzing things). I guess just being aware of how long the lows last, and if your mood gets better or worse is the way to go. I hope you feel better soon.

[Theresa1991]

I now that state of mind and for me usually it is depression lite. Doesn't have to be though. I had the great luck to experience "normal" like a month ago for a few weeks and it was nothing like being bored and not interested. I was feeling fine and calm and at peace and still interested in stuff. So if it were me writing those lines it would mean i am slightly depressed because i am a very vivid person. could be different for anyone though.

[Victoria'smom]

Thank you for explaining it so well. I'm told that's stable but can't accept that.

[Theresa1991]

Of course life cannot always be drama like in bipolar when it is supposed to be normal. but normal should not mean feeling drained and ****** either in my opinion. depression can disguise itself as well. i dont want to send your thoughts in any direction though but i think everybody is entitled to feeling well and if you feel empty and bored you are not well and i think it is a very bad idea to just say that is normal. if normal were like that why would anyone want to be normal?