[mossanimal]

Most people's descriptions of 'mixed episodes' use the terms like 'nightmare' and stuff like that. A mixed episode is what led to my hospitalization. And it's awful. But what about what I'm going through now: I'm definitely depressed with anxiety and some suicidal thoughts (no plans or real danger. just those fantasies).. but I'm also energetic with 4-5 hours sleep and running during the day. I'm also back to my creative self in terms of my craft... but I'm back to pursuing creative ideas that are off track. I know it's wrong .. or MIGHT be wrong..and could also really pan out. But could easily end up as one of those dead ends that are all over my shop. For example.. I've got spirals on my mind. So I made something (a knife) with a spiral carving on the grip. Now I'm carving a snail out of walrus ivory.. because I saw the piece of ivory and it most certainly wanted to be a snail. And I like spirals right now. I'm not a miniature carver by trade.. but it's something that is in my palette. So.. as an excuse to carve this thing I've decided to make a snail themed knife and the two could go together. It would have a very narrow market... but could pan out. Working on it is filling me with a sort of dread and anger at myself. But I'm also compelled. I now that right now I have a choice. Stop working on it and get back on track. But it's hard. This is the sort of thing that could end up bad. If my wife noticed and says something I could blow up at her. I haven't done this for a while and I've been thinking the lamictal is helping with that. Maybe I wouldn't anyway. So.. do other people feel this way when going hypomanic? Or do you just know FOR SURE that it's a good idea? Stuff like this makes me question whether or not I'm a good person.

(edit: just to be clear.. this is not that small of a matter. It's a decision that involves hundreds of dollars.. my work is expensive)

[glowsinthedark]

Originally Posted by mossanimal

Most people's descriptions of 'mixed episodes' use the terms like 'nightmare' and stuff like that. A mixed episode is what led to my hospitalization. And it's awful. But what about what I'm going through now: I'm definitely depressed with anxiety and some suicidal thoughts (no plans or real danger. just those fantasies).. but I'm also energetic with 4-5 hours sleep and running during the day. I'm also back to my creative self in terms of my craft... but I'm back to pursuing creative ideas that are off track. I know it's wrong .. or MIGHT be wrong..and could also really pan out. But could easily end up as one of those dead ends that are all over my shop. For example.. I've got spirals on my mind. So I made something (a knife) with a spiral carving on the grip. Now I'm carving a snail out of walrus ivory.. because I saw the piece of ivory and it most certainly wanted to be a snail. And I like spirals right now. I'm not a miniature carver by trade.. but it's something that is in my palette. So.. as an excuse to carve this thing I've decided to make a snail themed knife and the two could go together. It would have a very narrow market... but could pan out. Working on it is filling me with a sort of dread and anger at myself. But I'm also compelled. I now that right now I have a choice. Stop working on it and get back on track. But it's hard. This is the sort of thing that could end up bad. If my wife noticed and says something I could blow up at her. I haven't done this for a while and I've been thinking the lamictal is helping with that. Maybe I wouldn't anyway. So.. do other people feel this way when going hypomanic? Or do you just know FOR SURE that it's a good idea? Stuff like this makes me question whether or not I'm a good person.

(edit: just to be clear.. this is not that small of a matter. It's a decision that involves hundreds of dollars.. my work is expensive)

I can totally relate to the first part of your post. I've had periods of time where I'm obsessively working on something and it's going well, yet there is this very dark sense that nothing I'm doing has any meaning, that life is pointless, etc. I end up feeling passively suicidal and yet am motivated to work, it's weird and I've never been able to make sense of it.

As far as knowing if work is a good idea...that's hard. One has to take a leap of faith with anything creative, yet if this is something that's going to cost a lot of money that you'll need to recuperate, I might take a break from it for a few days and see how you feel (?) Do something that's free in the meantime. I've made the mistake of thinking I was starting a cool side business only to buy an expensive piece of equipment I still haven't taken out of the box months later :/

[mossanimal]

Originally Posted by glowsinthedark

As far as knowing if work is a good idea...that's hard. One has to take a leap of faith with anything creative, yet if this is something that's going to cost a lot of money that you'll need to recuperate, I might take a break from it for a few days and see how you feel (?) Do something that's free in the meantime. I've made the mistake of thinking I was starting a cool side business only to buy an expensive piece of equipment I still haven't taken out of the box months later :/

Ha.. 'cool side business'. We speak the same language I see.

If I could have all the money back from these pieces of equipment.

Thanks for the advice on setting it aside. That would work if I can do it before I get in too far over my head. A better idea might be to set the IDEA aside for a bit.