Anxiety and Isolation

Lately, I don't know what it is, but I am afraid to reach out to people. With a couple of people important to me, I am tired of often being the one to reach out. These particular people are often unreliable. They will get my hopes up, just to be let down. Or, it leads to their drama, and these are people who tend to come to me when they have a problem.

It just seems it's mostly about them and what I can do for them, and I am sick of it. I can't help but notice a couple of people in my life have very narcissistic traits. I care about them, or I wouldn't be writing this, but I feel I must close myself off to a lot of people right now to avoid feeling the pain, frustration, and anxiety that comes with these relationships.

The anxiety though....it's too much. I don't even know why I should care anymore. I feel nervous even thinking about talking to them, and I don't even know why. It's like I am afraid of them! I feel I've built a wall around me and want to stay there, but I know I can't hide forever. Has anyone experienced similar feelings before....where you want to just hide away from the world and stay in a shell? I don't even know anymore. I don't know how to deal with this kind of anxiety or where to go from this point on. Also, in a way, I feel kind of....numb, from just avoiding things. It just feels safer that way than exposing myself to pain and headaches.

I hope that you have a therapist to talk out your feelings.
Just started a new T and it is great! She is very warm and receptive and affirming.
bizi

That sounds exhausting and lonely. I agree with Bizi about having a T to talk this through with. I have 'friends' who rarely reach out to me and one who I think is a narcissist. We don't need people like this in our lives unless they are going to be true friends. Being scared is understandable too, considering the circumstances. Do you feel you can go to meet-up groups or the like and meet new people? Or is that too scary?

You always have us, as far away as we are.

With the way you see these people and feel about them, I wonder if you are healthy for them and they for you. If my friends felt like this about me, I'd prefer they not be my friend as I'm pretty sensitive and easily pick up when people feel negativity towards me. Is finding new, more supportive friends an option for you? If they have NPD, you're not going to change them, but I'm sure you already know this. Or perhaps are you very sensitive right now and seeing things in them due to your own intense needs right now? I'm very disappointed in my friend right now...I really thought that is anyone could understand what I'm feeling right now it would be her and my husband. But they can't, even though they insist they can, it's obvious they don't understand at all. And they really should. But if they did understand and could relate, it would mean they are really hurting and not safe and I don't want that either. I can't talk to them or anyone else in my real life right now which is probably for the best at the end of the day. If you can a doctor or therapist you can trust, perhaps that is a more desired place to reach out to. You can't reach out to people with NPD and expect they will understand.....they won't even try to. I'm sorry you are battling this and I hope you find some support.

I agree that it might be useful to talk to your therapist. Yes, definitely I sometimes feel like walling myself off. I've had some bad experiences. I try (not always successfully) to push on because I know there are people out there where we could have a mutually give/take relationship. Don't give up on finding that. Have you tried to bring this up with the narcissistic people in your circle?

Thank you everyone. I do have a T, and she is helpful. Still though, I feel it's not enough lately, but I am trying. This past year has been difficult between losses, multiple manic and depressive episodes, multiple medication changes, relationship changes....etc. I try to work through these issues in therapy, but I haven't felt "stable" in so long.

I do feel lonely, yet I feel the need to be alone...aside from only a couple of people, but they have their own things going on. I would like to eventually find a meet-up group when I am in a better place emotionally, but lately I am just exhausted. A couple of the friends I referred to with narcissistic patterns get tiresome to deal with. Inconsistent people seem to trigger me. One friend is great to be with , but has that pattern of breaking plans last minute without showing much regard for my feelings and not being very considerate.

I do think I'm more sensitive lately, or maybe the reality is just hitting. I tried to talk to a friend (one that really does have a lot of narcissistic patterns) a while back about my feelings. Things would improve, then the same patterns that make me feel rejected resurface.

I feel too connected to certain people to break away completely, but I am starting to think that maybe I should just sort of take a break from reaching out since I don't feel there's any more fight in me lately, and I am very vulnerable to feelings of rejection or people who make me feel used. It's just easier to stay away, unless they reach out first, and hopefully certain people in my life will understand why I can't really go out of my way like I used to. I have a lot of fear of losing people in my life since like I said, I've had a bunch of losses in a row....but there's no controlling that.

I really hate feeling this way. It is very draining, but I see my T again Monday at least.

I think I understand quite a bit about which you write.
I am having some trouble articulating; yet, I can relate to your posts in this thread.

There's a lot of NPD in my family.
Lots of losses, too.
Many people approaching for friendship tend to be deeply self-focused and needy beyond any level to which I can attend.

You deserve healthy friendships.
We all do.


WC

this is interesting. when I was in may late teens and into my early 20s or so, I was diagnosed with full on NPD. Long story...maturation, "real life," a spiritual awakening...now, I'm not regarded as NPD, but I am regarded as "severely mentally ill" (current label: bipolar I).

I personally wouldn't dedicate too much time to analyzing and labeling people in your life. I have people in my life who are more NPD than I ever was, but they also have more resources and status, so no one (including the "professionals") says or does anything about it. My solution? Well, I can relate to where they are now, because I was a lot like them, and...I pray for them. When they contact me, I'll chit chat, but I know its not going much beneath the surface because...well...that's them. Is that NPD? Does it matter? At the end of the day, they have their plethora of facebook "friends" and they just hang on to me because I have a "good family" behind me and because of their white, liberal guilt about the mentally ill. It is what it is.

So, yeah. I say...try to find genuine people to form genuine friendships with. Whether these other people are 'really' npd or any other label one could attach isn't the real issue. Your quality of life and need for real friends, with recipropcity and all that...those are real issues.

I still do it. I am afraid of how I will or would be around people. It is horrible to feel this way.

Thanks. I know I used the term "narcissistic" to better describe some traits.....but I am not so much concerned about their label. I am concerned about how certain patterns of their behavior (as individuals, separate from any disorder), are affecting me lately. You are 100% correct, NPD or not does not matter much....it's the other specific issues.

I do have some genuine friends. The majority of them are going through really rough times though, and I don't have the ability to see them as much as I would like. I still feel safer just being in my room lately though, although I ask if I want to be alone, or am I just lonely? My therapist described me as feeling very "empty" which is very, very true. I noticed I am very irritable lately and it helps to not focus on my cell phone as much (when I'm not working, that is). I want to discover new outlets, but it will take time since depression is interfering with my motivation. All I've been doing is staying in bed and not feel comfortable in settings with a lot of people lately due to anxiety. I don't have a history of Social Anxiety Disorder....it's different. It is just wanting to escape because of being depressed, overwhelmed, and irritable. I am also over stressed with work and wonder if I will be able to keep up anymore, so there's a lot on my plate in general that I wish I had an easier time coping with. Each time things start to seem better, things just keep getting harder and more painful.

sorry, I didn't mean to sound judgmental. :-(

You didn't sound judmental! If anything, I am sorry, and I was worried that I sounded judgmental. I didn't explain myself well enough in the first post, so I was just trying to clarify.
Thanks for your support and for taking the time out to respond.

Thanks for that. :-)

I'm glad you have some genuine, bona fide friends. My personal advice would be to focus on those people and let the not so great "friends" have their space. Some people are better as friendly acquaintances than as friends of any sort, so that might be what you need...to take the intensity and closeness down a notch or two. Just a thought.