[scattergories]

Hi there. I have always lurked on forums but am a little too shy to write about myself but I am really struggling right now and I need to get it out and hear from other people who have been there, too. I don't know anyone else in my life right now who has bipolar disorder, and I've only gone to a support group once.

I thought I had my life under control for a long time but now I very much do not. It started when I began tinkering with my meds to try and get pregnant and eventually I have ended up in a manic/mixed state going on about 7 months now, but I think I've been cycling through hypomanic episodes since way before even then.

I have so many crazy stories of what has been going on in my life through all this that I don't even know where to start and I don't want to bore you all with a super long post. Let's say, it's included cheating on my husband, having a hyper sexual emotionally abuse affair with a guy I met on the street, lending him quite a bit of money and spending sprees on clothes for him. I also up and moved out of my house with my husband, got an apartment I can't afford and let the guy move in with me a month after we met. Getting so loud, negative, critical and angry at work, including a situation with a bullying coworker landed my on FMLA for the past 6 weeks. I stopped sleeping much or eating much and lost about 30 pounds. Paranoia, hearing voices and being suspicious and looking for conspiracies. Figuring out that one of my conspiracies is actually real and involves my work and being spied on, however no one will believe me because paranoia is one of my main symptoms. Hearing voices landed me in the hospital for 4 days where I became so irate that they had to have three security guards drag me kicking and screaming to spend the night in a padded room, all of which I know is related to the conspiracy that I know is true. Ended up with bruises all over my body after that. And also smoking massive amounts of marijuana (it's legal here, yay!). *eye roll*

Through all of this I have a completely compliant patient in every way. I see my psychiatric nurse practitioner regularly. I take all of my medications as prescribed. I was not seeing a therapist as I just felt the one I had seen for the past 12 years was just not helpful, though I have since found someone new I like. I went to the hospital when I was told. I quit weed when I was told it was making my paranoia worse. I went on FMLA when I knew I was thisclose to getting my *** fired at work (but now I don't want to return).

Now I'm at the point where I feel like my life is completely in shambles, romantically, professionally, mentally. And the annoying thing is, this is not the first time I have been in this position in my life! How can I have f*#&%$ everything up so much and STILL have been doing all the right things. I don't know what to do. I would just feel so comforted to hear from others who have been here so I don't feel so alone and like so much of a ***** up. Sometimes I literally feel like my life is like a f-ing movie. Please tell me you've been there before.

[Guiness187055]

Yes I have been in similar shoes to you.

[emgreen]

My script is a bit different, but you're definitely not alone. I hope you can feel better about yourself & keep the past in the past very soon. Beating ourselves up never does much good. Good luck.

[Moose72]

I have a short version kinda. Yesterday i had sex with my friend of 4 years. My married friend. The sex itself was really good. But I already have a partner who is also really good. We are all just "buddies" though. Today I feel a little bad but not much. Yesterday i felt no remorse at all. I get in these highly charged moods and rational thought goes out the window.

[Unrigged64072835]

I've been there a lot before I was diagnosed. Still took five years after diagnosis to become stable. Managed to keep my husband, but he could've left me in 2013 and had every right to.

[Moonshadowfey]

Oh yea I have definitely been there. I got super manic and met a guy on tinder. After 3 weeks of hanging out w him I was convinced we were soulmates and was ready to drop my entire life to love out of state w him. I'm married. Things have since calmed down but I'm definitely still dealing w the aftermath. My meds still aren't right yet either which complicates things