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Old Apr 15, 2017, 08:26 PM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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A warning this is gonna be a long post but please read if you can.

So that song hurt is still stuck in my head and it makes me tear up, feel pain and wonder what have I become? As of now I'm broke, I think still depressed, pathetic (maybe too harsh), fat, out of shape, and still stuck in the routine of going home and just staying in bed. As I thought of all this, I thought back on my life and how sad it's been. I have nothing worthwhile, nothing with meaning and getting old.

Childhood
In all perspectives, my father was a douche. He pitted me against my mother and fed me negative perception and treated her like crap. I'd curse at her and not listen to her.
At the age of first grade I asked my dad to take me to a classmates birthday party. He actually came through and brought me there. This is first major psychological issue, at the party he hooked up with my friends mom. They dated and she would actually have the audacity to call my home talk to my mother and ask where is my boyfriend. One night she had enough and attacked my father, mainly scratches but I was so scared and crying. This led to their divorce. I know what you maybe saying, it's not my fault, but if I didn't ask him to take me there he would of never have hooked up with her.

Now I would split time between my parents and my father had a huge gambling problem. He would take me to Atlantic City to spend the weekend there and I would be on my own. He would give me money for the arcade they had there at the time, but besides that I'd be in the hotel alone. Meanwhile he would be dropping 5k and usually lose it all. At least he got comped rooms and dinner.

Fast forward a bit to 6th grade. He rented a condo and I would live with him. Most of the time I was alone in the condo. He got me a dog, who I loved so much (keep this in mind). I would be bored most of the time and just watched tv alone, fall asleep alone and then go to school. Only time he would come spend time with me is when I needed food. He had a gun and it wasn't clear at the time but I thought of shooting myself. Maybe it was my appearance (ahh quick sidetracked I fluctuated a lot as a kid, there would be years I would be fat and years I would be skinny). Back to the gun incident, I don't think or at least I don't remember being depressed, but I guess the seclusion was killing me.

Now this town where I lived at was called edge water and now is prime real estate as it over looks NYC. Back when I lived there it was mainly undeveloped, a lot of closed down factories and no place to walk safely because there was no sidewalks (also keep this in mind).

Fast forward to 7th grade it was Valentine's Day, I was chubby kid and got a valentine card from one of my classmates. I was so excited it said be my valentine with a note on the bottom to turn over. I did and it said not true. I cried. Thinking about this now I am wtf.

Now towards the middle to the end of 7th grade I was still left alone in the condo, until we got evicted. My father wanted to keep me in the same school so he had me stay at my mothers. I didn't tell her he was evicted. Now he would pick me up in the morning and drive me to the bus stop. After school ended and the bus dropped me off at the stop he would pick me up. However he stopped picking me up. I had to walk 7 miles, through undeveloped sidewalks walking on the road sometimes to cars doing 40-50 mph. I didn't tell anyone at the school. Where did my father stay you ask? At his girlfriends house 30 minutes away.

I eventually told my mother about this and she was furious. She got me to go into the school by her for 8th grade.

Going back to my fathers behavior he would always promise to take me out or do stuff but had a habit of letting me down. One weekend he promised to take me to an amusement park and I was so excited. The day came and I heard nothing from him. I went to his girlfriends house and he said his head hurt too much(later as an adult realizes it was a hangover). I was livid. I went to one of his factories (he owned 3 factories) went to his safe and stole 300 bucks. I bought a video game and went to the movies by myself.

8th grade came made some friends and life was better. Now remember the dog? My father would have the dog at one of his factories. Well one day he called me and said one of his neighbors (another factory next to his) let my dog out and he ran away. I went to that persons factory and started cursing at him, he told me to calm down, he didn't do anything and that it was my father. Before that point (remember I was a kid) I though my father could do no harm, I idealized him, loved him etc. at that point I realizes how much of a d ick he was and a douche. I cried. At that point I think I had a breakdown.

High school
At this point I had made some friends and was getting happier. My mom bought a lifting bench and I was obsessed with it. I gained broad shoulders and chest. I read bunch of lifting magazines and was into it. I was shy around the girls but liked them. I really didn't know how to approach them and gain a girlfriend.

Freshman year I had a short lived relationship and was still shy around the girls. My friends started busting my balls, but I saw that as an insult. (God I wished I wasn't so sensitive, because I became a loner and missed out on so much). Maybe this was the abandonment issues my father gave me or maybe he didn't teach me right). Anyway I was an oddball in high school.
Senior year came and I started working at a restaurant as a dish washer. One of the main issues I regretted was not having friends and didn't go to my prom. When the school took us out for project graduation I had no friends, no core no circle to mingle with. I did everything by myself.
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  #2  
Old Apr 15, 2017, 08:36 PM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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College

I went to school and made a bunch of friends. I had na inner circle and enjoyed it. I got interested in a fraternity and wanted to pledge, but my grades sucked. During this time I hooked up with bunch of random girls, but didn't have a relationship. This one girl that I had feelings for and we went out together all the time said there is something about me that is off and reason we never got intimate.
Now through my college years people that I met when we first wanted to pledge got close and we were pretty tight friends. Then They pledged and felt like they forgot about me. Now once I got the grades they all of a sudden started talking to me again and wanted me to pledge. This pissed me off. Where were they when I was alone and needed a friend. So I said screw it and distanced my self from them. Looking back, I think it was my trust issues or abandonment. Another regret.

Adulthood
Now after school I got my current job, which was not what I wanted to do. Anyway still had a couple of friends from college and hung out with them all the time. Was close to one guy and I'd frequent his bars and we would hit Atlantic City or philly often. During this phase I would gamble recklessly, hook up with many random girls, and thinking I was enjoying life. I never formed a relationship, just flings. Actually that's not true I did have two relationships but they were mainly all about the sex.
Now my dream job (I don't want to say) I applied for several times in different places and got rejected. I eventually gave up and just continued to exist. I started to go to vegas yearly and a c frequently. I was a good poker player.
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  #3  
Old Apr 15, 2017, 08:47 PM
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jacky8807 jacky8807 is offline
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I'm sorry for all that has happened to you

I also know from experience the self defeating habits we fall back into in times of depression and stress.
you have to stop beating yourself up. you have got to stop being so hard on yourself
I really believe we can never get out of the hurt if we don't learn to respect and love ourselves as number 1
It's impossible to make changes when we are down on ourselves or living in the past
the only way to move forward is too not look back
hell dont even look ahead
we have to live moment by moment

as soon as those negative thoughts hit you in the head start focusing with your body on the present moment. negative thoughts are a vicious cycle that HAS to be broken

you are awesome
you deserve to be here
you deserve happiness
__________________
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
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  #4  
Old Apr 15, 2017, 09:04 PM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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Late 20s early 30s

I got my place where I live at now sorta. Was happy and still playing card regularly. My roommate was a douche who I felt kept taking advantage of me. He would leave messes around the apartment and usually not clean up. He wouldn't chip in for cable because he said he is never home. And yet I let this happen. We would still hang out. Now at this point I was getting close to a female co worker, not in a girlfriend/boyfriend kinda way. I would hang out with her, her boyfriend and bunch of their friends. I still hung out with my bar buddy and my buddy down the shore. (Before I lose track this female coworker would give me and ask in return massages at work. Remember that).

32
One of my co workers was going to take a test for my dream job. We were both the same age and he bugged me to take it. I reluctantly agreed. I got a 98 and this made me realize my dream is obtainable. I was so happy. And the plus the location, I had an acquaintance from college who said I'll help you get in. I was number 2 from the test and they wanted to hire 5 people. I was ecstatic. Now around this time I had off and on relation ships. I was euphoric. Orientation came and I attended. They had to do a background check as part of the process. I thought I was a shoe in.
Backtrack 2 months, my birthday was coming and my coworker friend and her boyfriend promised to come out for my birthday. When the day came, she said she couldn't make it cause she was going to smother persons birthday. I was pissed off and livid. I didn't talk to her and she got mad. About a month or so later, she put in time to leave work early. I called out that day because my mom fell and I had to take her to the hospital. She was pissed (we weren't talking). The next day at work she was complaining how she got screwed over and was getting a couple of other xo workers to chime in. Finally I lost it and screamed sorry I had to take my mother to the hospital. Everyone froze and all that chimed in came and apologized to me. She didn't. And started to act like I didn't exist. A few weeks later something happened with our supervisor and her (she was mad at him because he turned the lights on at work) and she filed a sexual harassment complaint on him. Now he made some jokes at me and my heritage (busting my balls) and I was never offend. However she used me and said everything he said about me. (We still weren't talking and at this point probably never will) well then someone mentioned that we use to give each other massages and a sexual harassment file was charged at both of us.
Remember my dream job? Well this happened when they started doing my background check. They got wind of this and said I failed the check. I was devastated. I cried. And I fell into depression.
Fast track the hurricane sandy happened. My mother was terrified and didn't have electricity. I spoke to my sisters who live in md. We came up with plan to pick her up and take her to my sisters. We would meet halfway. Well I went to pick my mother up and something was wrong with her. I thought she had a stroke. When I met with my sister I told her that. Well next day she took her to clinic they said get her to the hospital. She had 3 mini strokes. Her speech was bad, she favored her left side and at times couldn't move. She spent two weeks in the hospital and then about two more weeks in rehab. We were able to get her back home after thanksgiving and before xmas. I was still worried about her, but she eventually made a full recovery.

33
I was still devastate anout my dream job and getting sad about my mom as she lost her fiestyness. I went on a sex spree. My goal was to meet a girl a week (mostly online) and have sex with them. This lasted until October. My depression grew and grew. Finally it was New Years and the eve of my birthday. I was alone. Still reeling about my mom and dream job, and other issues. I felt hopeless, unworthy, defeated. My buddy from the shore moved to Florida and my bar buddy was working. I could of used their company then. I thought back and how I have nothing to show, no girlfriend, still at same job which i didn't want to be my career, realizing that college was useless and not going into the field I wanted to, I cried.
Nye 8ish
I was still crying and hurting. I had a pain that was in between my chest and stomach that hurts any time I get real depressed. I wanted it all to end. I brought out my two prescriptions I had. A bottle of ambien and a bottle of pain killers. This was going to be the end. I took an ambien and poured a glass of scotch. I took sips and sips then popped s painkiller. More sips then an ambien. I was going to kill myself.
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  #5  
Old Apr 15, 2017, 09:18 PM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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Nye midnight

I was drunk and still taking pills. Finally my niece, sisters call to wish me a happy birthday and New Years. Then my buddy who moved to Florida. Then in my drunk state I asked myself wtf am I doing. I went to the bathroom and reached into my mouth till I threw up. I felt like s hit. I cried. I then thought wtf happened. I had so much potential. I thought about a lot of things till I passed out on my couch.

The next day my roommate came home. I told him I'm moving out to a one bedroom. He was pissed.

March 34
I finally moved into my own place by myself. My bar buddy helped me move. Then during dinner I told him what happened in New Years. He was stunned and pissed. Said if I ever feel like that call him. I understood and I'm grateful he is my friend.
I reenrolled in college to finish my two classes and start another degree. I was still depressed. During this time money wasn't an issue since I was getting student loan refunds but also adding to my debt. I was still depressed. I told my Florida buddy and he was super concerned. I am also grateful that he is my friend.

34 march -July
My depression continued. Finally in July it got to almost the same point as nye. I sought help. After making a few calls to psychologists in the area I found one that took my insurance. I didn't tell her off the bat that I tried to kill my self. She diagnosed me with major depression disorder and told me to ask my doctor for meds. I did.

July- October 34
Now I'm not sure at the date but around some point in between she rediagnosed me to bipolar and generalized anxiety. I told my doc and he referred me to a psychiatrist.

35-present
I fight depression every so often. Sometime my meds get tweaked. I think it might need a little tweak now since I was depressed recently and feeling a little depressed writing this.
I developed an unhealthy habit of coming home and doing nothing but going to bed and play with this iPad. I barely watch tv and I miss it. My place is still a mess and sometimes I clean certain areas but then it gets dirty again.
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  #6  
Old Apr 15, 2017, 09:21 PM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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I don't know what the future holds but I do know I want it to change. I want to enjoy my house, lose weight and start living instead of auto piloting everything. I can't tell you the last time I went out to have fun in my area.

So I ask you, now that you have a general idea of my life, what have I become?

Does my life continue like this or do I realize I have a second chance and work at it. How do I get myself to start the latter?
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  #7  
Old Apr 15, 2017, 10:12 PM
Anonymous57777
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Boogiesmash, I read the whole thing. I am mostly sorry about your dad--it's understandable that your are sad and mad about him. Sometimes you are going to feel that way but it will pass and hopefully get less intense as you get older. You say you see a psychologist for meds--do you see a therapist as well? It wouldn't hurt to try therapy if you haven't.

Try to think about some of the good things in your life. You completed college. You have a job, shelter and at least one friend. You sound like a good son.

It sounds like you drink. About a year after my attempt, I quit drinking alcohol. Drinking it regularly was contributing to my depression. I walk 4.5 miles everyday (when I go to the beach I walk farther)--the exercise and sunshine make me less depressed. When I used to have a job to commute to, sometimes I went via my Bike and the bus (the bus had bike racks). Getting outside just makes me feel good. You say you want to exercise everyday--I think walking is the easiest and it really does help.

But some things in my life are stuck too. I haven't figured out how to move them forward and I desperately want to (I am thinking about them now but not talking about it). Sometimes I just pray to God about it. I don't know if you believe but sometimes it really does help me. I will say a prayer for you tonight. You seem like a wonderful person who is just hurting a lot. Sometimes I feel better in the morning. Maybe you will too. <<<hugs>>>
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  #8  
Old Apr 15, 2017, 11:34 PM
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RainyDay107 RainyDay107 is offline
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Boogie,

I read your thread and I'm sorry you've been through so much.

I know your recovery has always been important to you. Quitting drinking was a positive game-changer for me, too.
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  #9  
Old Apr 16, 2017, 01:31 AM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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I read it all, I'm so sorry you grew up with such an assholian self centered twat for a father.

What have you become?

Idk, the product of circumstance?

Positive thing about that is circumstances change...

I for sure wish I could change mine, although its quite scary to think what i would do with myself once it does.

I much like you, do the bare minimum, what with my job, my daughter starting HS, my mother being sick, and me single handedly being responsible for everything since my dad died, I just don't have the time, inclination or energy for much else. But every so often I force myself out of my room and go hang out with a friend or a sibling, keeps me sane.

Therapy is helping, but there's this theory that I'm scared shytless of change even though I crave it. Not sure how I feel about that yet.

I have no advice, but do relate on a few key points you've mentioned.
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  #10  
Old Apr 16, 2017, 10:16 AM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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I feel like my life has been nothing but a sad story.
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  #11  
Old Apr 16, 2017, 10:20 AM
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wildflowerchild25 wildflowerchild25 is offline
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And maybe that's true but it doesn't have to continue to be!
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
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That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
-Garden State
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  #12  
Old Apr 16, 2017, 03:29 PM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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True, and you don't get to rewrite your history, but cool thing about being an independent adult, is that we get to write our own future stories, or at least chapters of it, and edit it as much as is humanly possible.

I hate not being in control of my story, basically I have to wait until my mother kicks the bucket until I get my own pen, my book, my a.s.s is owned until then.
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  #13  
Old Apr 16, 2017, 04:47 PM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
And maybe that's true but it doesn't have to continue to be!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0 View Post
True, and you don't get to rewrite your history, but cool thing about being an independent adult, is that we get to write our own future stories, or at least chapters of it, and edit it as much as is humanly possible.

I hate not being in control of my story, basically I have to wait until my mother kicks the bucket until I get my own pen, my book, my a.s.s is owned until then.
Thank you. I can write my future that doesn't have to be the same as my past.
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  #14  
Old Apr 16, 2017, 05:58 PM
Unrigged64072835 Unrigged64072835 is offline
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I read your story. I feel bad that your father was a douche. So was mine.

You can change your story. The only things are how bad do you want it and whether you'll take the pain to change it. Change means stepping out of your comfort zone. It can mean work, sweat, and tears. But it can happen.
Thanks for this!
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  #15  
Old Apr 17, 2017, 10:34 AM
Anonymous45023
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boogiesmash View Post
Does my life continue like this or do I realize I have a second chance and work at it. How do I get myself to start the latter?
Quote:
Originally Posted by boogiesmash5590479
I feel like my life has been nothing but a sad story.
I read the whole thing.

There is an exercise where one writes one's story, but as two stories. The first one you've already done. The other is a version in which you are the hero. The survivor, determined to be triumphant.

I suspect that writing that story (which is, in fact, also Your Story) could prove quite useful. Maybe even provide momentum for the changes you want to make. In a very real sense, you CAN rewrite your story!

There is so much more to you, boogiesmash. More to the story. Because you ARE a survivor!
Thanks for this!
boogiesmash
  #16  
Old Apr 17, 2017, 11:29 AM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
I read the whole thing.

There is an exercise where one writes one's story, but as two stories. The first one you've already done. The other is a version in which you are the hero. The survivor, determined to be triumphant.

I suspect that writing that story (which is, in fact, also Your Story) could prove quite useful. Maybe even provide momentum for the changes you want to make. In a very real sense, you CAN rewrite your story!

There is so much more to you, boogiesmash. More to the story. Because you ARE a survivor!
Interesting way of looking at it. Not sure if I'm a survivor sometim s or just had enough.
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  #17  
Old Apr 17, 2017, 11:36 AM
Anonymous45023
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You've been through a lot + you're here = You're a survivor.
Thanks for this!
boogiesmash
  #18  
Old Apr 18, 2017, 04:37 PM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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Just saw a picture on Facebook was trying to put it here but have no idea how. It said"when you can tell your story without crying, you know you have healed."
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  #19  
Old Apr 18, 2017, 04:49 PM
Anonymous48850
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What have I become?
Thanks for this!
boogiesmash
  #20  
Old Apr 18, 2017, 04:50 PM
boogiesmash boogiesmash is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Cat View Post
What have I become?
Yes thank you. How did you do that?
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