I don't know how to be sad without SI

My t says this is not "normal" but it feels normal to me. I can experience what I imagine is a "healthy" degree of sadness when I get rejected or something and it doesn't spiral out of control, but then other times I go almost immediately to SI. Like when I struggle with my writing I literally can't stop thinking about killing myself. It sounds so ridiculous and dramatic but it's always been like this. Is this a BP thing, or am I just too "dramatic"?

I don't dare mention this to anyone, because I know they won't take me seriously, but I'm having a really hard time with 1. the thoughts themselves, and 2. feeling embarrassed for having them.

Normal is a troublesome word. I've been chasing normal for years but I have finally realized normal is different to everyone. The problem is with bi-polar it is hard to judge what should be "normal". Sometimes I don't know if I should call my pdoc about my mood or if it falls within the "normal" parameters. My normal seems like it is always anxious and always depressed to some extent. I struggle with SI myself. When I become hurt/sad/depressed I struggle with it. I have even been wanting to do it hear lately without the heart wrenching pain.

I find it hard to share my thoughts with others because I don't think other ppl would understand and yes it is also embarrassing to have them. I believe it comes with the territory. How long have you been dx'd? I think you should talk to your pdoc about these things.

I have them so often that I've learned to ride them out. Both my t and pdoc know this. I can tell when I've crossed the line and contact both of them. Please don't be embarrassed about these feelings. Sometimes it's the nature of the beast.

The thing about fantasies, at least for me, is they tend to develop and become easier to access. I think you should call.

My rule of thumb is, if the thoughts are unprovoked and hard to pass, then consider inpatient.

I honestly think that si can become a habit. I've been stable for a year and If I'm stressed about something I will still think "I wish I could kill my self" or have an image of me doing it. I think it's a bad habit I developed as a teenager when I was super depressed. My brain just automatically goes there. But now the thoughts don't bother me because I immediate realize how ridiculous it is and I know I would NEVER do something like that. It's just a bad coping skill I developed.

If it's really bothering you I would look up cbt exercises that can help change your thinking process. I don't think meds alone will help, not if you're getting the thoughts even when you're not depressed.

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are tired of handling this alone, and that's why you've posted. I'm glad you did. And I get why you haven't shared it with family and friends. They don't get it and would become alarmed, etc.

I have a good friend who experiences the same thing. He says he has gotten to the point where he sees SIs flitting in and he just lets them flit out. He neither focuses on them nor tries to stop them. He also just doesn't worry about them. I tell you this because it's a good management technique for him and it might work for you. Might not. I tell you this also because, well. . . sometimes we just need to know we're not alone, we're not the only one.

As far as your writing, ugh! I totally hear you! Just please remember two things (especially since I will need you to remind me of them I'm sure!): 1) Even if it really IS crap, it's still practice, and practice will improve your skill no matter what. 2) You've written something? Even a crappy something? Fantastic! It's far easier to edit than it is to create. Give it a bit of a rest, then look at it again with fresh eyes when you're feeling better. If you find you can't edit it--so what? Start something else. It's in there, that good writing part. It's come back. You've got it in there. We both know you do. If you didn't, you wouldn't be able to make any comments about its quality at all. Make sense? Go easy on you.

I think you've gotten some pretty good advice from our friends below. Mine may be too nonchalant. I have nothing to add to their caring suggestions but my voice in your support.

Hugs--

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful words of wisdom

And yes, I have talked to my drs about this (been dx for about 10 years), which is the main reason they keeping pushing for a mood stabilizer. I do think cbt could help, it's just hard to motivate myself to do it alone (the t i have right now is basically just an intervention/crisis manager I randomly wound up with due to some bureaucratic nonsense).

I'm not worried for myself right now, in terms of following through. I've felt this bad *many* times before and have never attempted. Too chicken, which I guess is a good thing. I'm lucky insofar as the intensity of these thoughts doesn't usually last more than a few days.

A few times I have confided in people that I felt suicidal, but nothing ever came of it. They were not alarmed or particularly worried, felt more like they assumed I was exaggerating. No one has ever done or said anything during the years I used to self-harm either. My parents saw my arms covered in wounds and basically just pretended it wasn't happening (even after my school counselor noticed and called my mom...). My husband does the same. So yeah, it starts to feel like this is all pretty run of the mill nothing to see here normal.

It's comforting to be able to relate to people who share these feelings and the complexity of all the other feelings that result from SI.

I think it is the passion you feel for writing ... it matters to you the most ... so you feel the greatest pain when that is threatened ....

with me it is my work ... can hurt me worst than anything ... but it is also my strength ...

good luck ... my friend ... Tigger.

I tend to be this way too. Maybe not to the same extent as you, but my mind tends to go into the si area when highly stressed or if someone I deeply care about hurts my feelings. For ex. If I'm arguing with my husband and he says something that would trigger me to feel crappy, then the ideation starts and of course I feel crappier. In that moment all I can think about is making myself disappear. I never really thought too much about it, guess I'm just used to it. Only time it really bothers me is when I'm depressed or mixed and it won't stop.