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#1
Apr 23, 2017, 08:37 AM
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Uggg. So it happened. He retired and I lost it. I decided to write him a heart-felt letter telling him what gifts he's given me. He was with me through my breakdown and recovery. He also helped me with my fear of male power-figures. Letting go of him feels like a death and abandonment. He's just gone. And I should "graduate" now. I should be cured now. But this is a former struggle. I have learned to be accepting and gentle with myself. Sometimes over-indulgent though. As if I deserve more cake because I'm going through a rough time instead of cooking a healthy meal as comfort.
But this is me. I live with bipolar. Lately, I've been so depressed that when it lifts I sometimes think I'm going to rebound too far into mania. I caught myself shopping this morning. I noticed right away the symptoms coming on and I immediately got on to this site to check myself. I let myself have the whole day yesterday to grieve this passing of a part of myself. I also grieve this week because we lost a senior student to suicide. The tragedy has been one of the most horrible experiences of my life. It has been almost 2 weeks, but the shock and emotional whirl-wind has been almost too much. I'm supposed to be the adult at school and help the kids navigate their grief by modeling it. But all I can see is his face. It has changed how I see my mental illness. I think I must live my life better to make up for a life lost. I also saw the sheer destruction this one event has had on a very small community. Far-reaching ripples of despair and devastation. How could I ever do such a thing to my friends and family? This is the second such funeral I have attended, and all I think is that I shall never think to do this ever again. I must not ever think that suicide is an option. It is NOT an option. But I kill myself from apathy every day and I SHALL NOT allow a slow suicide to happen either. All I can say is that we must grieve the parts of our lives we've lost and survive and thrive in memory of what has been lost. I must try at the very least. 
__________________
A lovely combination of bipolar 1, ptsd, anxiety, binge eating disorder, substance abuse, served with a cocktail of effexor rexulti trileptal lamictal vistaril aderall clonopin  
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 *Laurie*, BeyondtheRainbow, BipolaRNurse, bizi, jacky8807, Moose72, Sunflower123, Unrigged64072835, Wild Coyote
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 BipolaRNurse, bizi, Moose72, Plastic Fork, Sunflower123, UpDownMiddleGround, Wild Coyote
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#2
Apr 23, 2017, 09:07 AM
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suicide effects a village.
bizi stay safe. (((((HUGS)))))
__________________
lamictal 2x a day haldol 2x a day cogentin 2x a day klonipin , 1mg at night, fish oil coq10 multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine Remeron at night, zyprexa, requip2-4mg |
| dog daze, Wild Coyote
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| dog daze, Wild Coyote
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#3
Apr 23, 2017, 10:53 AM
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You are processing a lot of challenging events, info. and moods.
Be kind to yourself. (((((( dog daze )))))) Stay safe. WC |
| bizi, dog daze
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| bizi, dog daze
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#4
Apr 23, 2017, 12:49 PM
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All I can say is that we must grieve the parts of our lives we've lost and survive and thrive in memory of what has been lost. I must try at the very least.
[/QUOTE]Well said. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You're not alone. I hope you feel better soon.
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| dog daze, Wild Coyote
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| dog daze
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#5
Apr 23, 2017, 03:42 PM
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Sorry for the loss. May you come through this painful time.
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| dog daze, Wild Coyote
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| dog daze
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