Obstacles to Forming/Maintaining Friendships

I wonder how many of us are extroverts vs introverts. I seem to be both....sometimes people stimulate me and other times the drain me. Sometimes I'm a homebody and others I'm itching and scratching to get outvand meet everybody I can. I *think* I'm more of an introvert but not sure it's the way I was naturally intended to be and might be more related to my pathologies but I've been a homebody for extended periods even before my major traumas occurred do likely it's all nature more than nurture. I admire people who are full of life and love meeting new people....it gives me the heebie geebies to think about right now though.

I'm more of an introvert, but I do miss being around other people. A lot of people have similar interests, but they meet at night after work and I don't stay up that late anymore.

My husband can do without people for a while. It makes it hard when I want to go out, because I pretty much drag him along. I have panic attacks when I drive, so I don't drive by myself.

I am similar. I have times I am more introverted and times I am the opposite.
Out socially, most people think I am an extrovert and gregarious. I can play that role, even with severe depression, as I had started masking my depression when I was very young. I may not enjoy it, but I can do it if need be.

Honestly, I do like home. I like to get out for breaks from monotony. I like my destination to be "peaceful," like out in nature or near the mountains or the lakes.
Maybe I am part extrovert.

"Peace" is very important to me in location/destination, as well as in relationships. That's likely the trauma talking. I don't like to be around people who thrive on chaos and/or turmoil.


WC

We can get very settled into a homebody type of a routine.
I am with you, I do not stay up late anymore either. Many people my age do stay up much later. My husband gets up for work at 4:30 a.m. So he retires early.

Thanks for contributing to the discussion!

WC

Thanks

Also, now that you mentioned stability... I was REPEATEDLY triggered by my roommates in college. My first one was just a total b_tch who drove me up a wall. Literally, and this is no joke, I would stay up all night wth the lights off while she would be watching Pokemon YouTube videos on her laptop. She put in earphones, of course, but I saw the flashing lights. I went apeshit when I found out she was watching pokemon... cos she kept telling me she was "studying". She also told me to get a life when I told her I'd like to sleep. Seriously... you're playing Pokémon at the ripe age of 19 and you're telling ME to get a life? LOL

This post makes me want to watch Pokémon. Lol. That was funny Blue. My son is aspire and he likes Pokémon at 17 and my oldest son was playing that Pokémon Go game at age 19. My husband and I were going to play with them but they quickly grew bored of it. Too active I think. Lol.

This is a really good topic. I can relate to a lot of this, WC.

Personally, a lot of my high school friends and I have drifted apart, with the exception of one of them. There's 2 others that I occasionally keep in touch with. The one friend has placed blame on me for not going lengths to see her. She lives far away and became more demanding as time went on, and to be honest, she is less sensitive. My depression was interfering too with being able to put as much energy into our friendship. She is successful; working as a Pharmacist, but I just have that feeling that she fails to even try to understand the struggles I have with my mental health. My best friend from high school died last year, and I think that led to some attachment issues in my relationships. She was my sister, only not by blood. A few others though....they are just out living their lives. I know that with some, I have their phone numbers and should reach out, but it's hard with work and setting up times to hangout.

I do have two true-blue friends, but life gets difficult, so I don't get to see them as often. Lately though, we've been trying to make more effort. I think that at certain times in our lives, it's harder to keep up with people....but sometimes life does bless us with times where we happen to meet others when the time is right.

I think meetups are a great idea. Personally, I have to watch myself though with mania. This winter, I was getting involved with people who now make me cringe....I'm glad I am past that and have cut contact. There was one guy I met who was someone special last year, where we related on so many levels, but his own mental health issues ended up affecting our relationship, and he recently disappeared on me.

When I'm on the depressive side though, I often do not want to deal with others. I'll never stop speaking to someone, unless I have a good reason for it, but I shut myself out. Anyway, those are some of the things I struggle during cycling of BP. I hope that you either reconnect or find meaningful friendships. It's hard, but having hope and exploring interests can be helpful when the time is right. (((hugs)))

Thanks for joining in!
My sympathies for the loss of your high school best friend. That's gotta hurt.

I've also gotten involved with people when I am hypo and have regretted my decisions to do so. The people were not kindred spirits, I'd just had a good time with them and it wasn't meant to go further, Somehow, phone numbers were exchanged, etc. It's awkward to later negotiate these mistakes.

I shut myself out at times. I have dropped all email, cancelled my email account because I get too much of it and it's overwhelming. I cannot possibly keep up with the number and the pace.

Thanks again!

WC

Thank you for your condolences. (((hugs))). I can relate to all of this as well. I've taken myself off of different accounts and do not want to be "found" by others, nor do I want to deal with social media at all. It's just all too much. This is also why I don't reach out to certain people in the past. My lifestyle and tendencies to get thrown into depression when there is too much pressure, interfere with making these choices socially.

Yes, WC, a lot of relatable stuff here. One of my big issues is that I suck at reciprocity especially of things to do. Probably because I'm not used to doing things, let alone social things. And so I don't initiate much, which could easily be read as unfriendliness. I also am not one to reach out, but I'm fine with others doing so. I'm pretty walled off, not the kind of thing one just drops. It's my comfort zone. Again, probably reads as unfriendly.

A number of years ago, I'd decided to try to be friends with someone. Shortly thereafter, she died. Then I met a guy and wow, did we hit it off (just friends, for starters he was gay). I considered him my best friend. We moved to different locations, but still talked. Then he died. On his 50th birthday, no less. The kind of stuff that makes one hinky about friend-making as you can imagine. Other friends have been more aquaintences really. They've drifted off. I'm pretty comfortable keeping to myself and seldom think about it. BF and I are really tight. And homebody introverts to boot.

I'm actually starting to hang out with someone here on the forums. Being stable right now helps.

I relate, xRavenx, to your comment about social media. I have zero interest in it (privacy issues for starters). In fact, my computer wallpaper is a picture with (partially obscured) F**k Social Media. I knew RIGHT AWAY that was the one for me, HA!

I relate to the social media stuff. I was bullied into joining Facebook....I stood my ground for a long time but finally caved and it was the most horrifying experience....worse than I even imagined. A friend told me nothing would happen....the bad people had long forgotten me.....it wasn't true.....the bad people never forget the mouse they enjoy tormenting. They can all take a long walk off a short peer and I will never join social media again. It seems required....I will live on the fringe. A lady in my group therapy told everyone to get off social media and I was in an upswing and so confident I ignored it....such a bad mistake. My mom has been harassed on social media....she is stronger than I am though. It's not a place for people like me and I see no good coming of the whole thing .....there will be pathologies to contend with as a result of it.

Hey Innerzone!
You really have a lot of insight into yourself and socialization.

I am sorry you'd lost 2 friends. That might let many of us down a lot socially, too. My condolences.

I am not involved in social media either! It's just not my thing. I am too private for that.
Thanks for joining us for this conversation!

WC

Hey Elsa!

I am sorry you have suffered at the hands of social media.
I hear some people talking about social media and they report a lot of drama-filled nonsense. I am not sure if it's like that for most or not. I have never wanted to join in on social media. I might pay someday, for some reason I cannot fathom, for not getting involved. I'm definitely not drawn to it.

I have had just a couple of long-term memberships on sites over the years. That's enough for me. I can get in over my head too easily.
I hope you are having an enjoyable Mother's Day!
Thanks again!

WC

It seems everyone knows their own limitations.
It also seems everyone is well-adjusted to wherever they currently stand on this topic. The amount of insight expressed is very impressive.
Thanks to everyone contributing to this discussion!


WC

i'd say that for me, their are 3 main obstacles:

1 is the severity of my illnesses. by this, I don't just mean pushing people away, but I also mean for example that i'm agoraphobic, so I can't go with people to movies, or for coffee, for a walk etc. I think a lot of people don't like that i'm limited to what I can do

I also can't get out to make friends, so unless I make friends online, I won't have any

second is, I tend to lead a very boring life, so when i'm asked what did you do today, answers like, oh I ate a few cookies and watched the big bang theory tend to put people off, as they are expecting something more exciting. also related to this, because I can't get out, my conversation is pretty limited, especially when people start talking about beaches or circuses or anywhere else they've been, which I know nothing about
3 is just the stigma.

rather than try to talk to me and understand, people are scared and not interested in learning

so they are thinking they might get infected or something, but actually that's not the case at all.

currently, all my friends have mental health issues, and all of them are online (and actually, all accept 1 are american), the other one is from the UK

I want to add to the last bit I mentioned about the stigma:

sadly, even though I am a good listener, and I do like to make people laugh, people can't see past the illness

it's like why hang out with someone with mental illness, I can just as easily hang out with someone without it, even though someone like me can offer the same things

Can anyone relate?

I have a difficult time forming and maintaining relationships. It's been a problem of mine from my early childhood on.

What are your obstacles to forming/maintaining friendships?

I have a hard time reading people. I cannot always judge the sincerity or sarcasm coming from people so my natural reaction is to be extremely sarcastic and snarky from minute one. I tend to avoid people in general rather than engage because I'm worried I will come off too strongly. There is an air about me that has led to some anger and frustration from my peers because while they wouldn't mind getting to know me, I've built so many walls between myself and them that it's too bothersome to form a relationship with me.

What are some good strategies for maintaining friendships?

I have no idea. Let me know when you figure that one out.

I am realizing I have a lot on my plate.
In addition to trying to manage/ negotiate depression, several painful medical conditions, med side-effects and my own healthcare, I am a caretaker for my elderly mother and am managing all of the appointments/records for consults and her continued care, and am trying to give energy and attention to my marriage.

There is little, if any, time/energy left over for friends right now.

An old friend called to ask me to go to a function with her today. I had to tell her I have lots to do today AND am exhausted from yesterday. Yesterday, I took my mother to medical consults. I fill in the medical history details in her interviews, as she gets info all confused. I manage her care/consults, etc.

I'm not complaining. I want to help her.

I am tired today. It'll have to be okay.

WC

WC, that is a lot to do. Thanks for doing all that.

I have no friends. I haven't since high school. I'm not sure I have the energy to maintain friendships. I also experience social anxiety, making it difficult to form relationships. I'm highly introverted so I'm often okay with being alone besides having a boyfriend around.

I have one friend. He doesn't let me go very long without reminding me that he's my friend, even if in my mind I have nothing in my life. He'll drag me out for coffee or pizza or burritos over the hill from our little town so it's a chance to visit with him and to see the world outside my little rural community.

I don't have a strategy for maintaining friendships, I just hang on to the one true friend I've got. True because he'll listen to my despairing complaints when down and keep my feet on the ground when I'm losing it.

This is great!
Everyone should have a friend like this.

WC