Reflections

It's that time of year again. On May 28th it will have been two years since my husband died. And of course, I'm having some feels.

I spent most of this year being just so, so angry with him. Like I would miss him on special occasions, like my brother's wedding, my son's first day of kindergarten, Christmas, etc. but it would flip to "look what you're missing out on, you jackass. Was it worth it? Was the high worth devastating your family? Etc. etc." I just couldn't let the betrayal go. Then my MIL texts me, saying she wants to go to the cemetery again on the 27th. I panicked. I couldn't say no but I couldn't bear the thought of being there. But now I want to go. Because I feel like I may actually be ready to forgive him for what he did.

I know in my heart that he was suffering. I know that he had a horrible fight with my MIL wherein she emotionally abused him (told him he was a piece of **** and she wished he were dead - well that backfired). He was suffering from traumatic memories of past sexual abuse that were coming up because our son was the age he was when he was abused. He told me a few days before he died that he wished he could remember the person's face because he would go out and kill them. So I know why he turned to drugs. But I was still mad at him for making such a devastating decision.

Last night I had a dream. I was with another man (someone I used to work with who incidentally is gay so that would never happen lol) and I was just starting to date him. I was so happy to spend time with him. Then he morphed into my husband. And in my dream, I said to myself, "ooooh....what I really want is my husband back". And then woke up. And I felt comforted because there was no anger in my dream, no extreme sadness, just the realization that I love my husband and I will always love him and I am ready to finally say goodbye after two years. I know he is never coming back. I know he would never have some drugs if he knew it would kill him. I know he is ok with me looking for someone else, whenever I feel ready to do that. And more importantly, I really think I am ready to forgive him. I don't want to carry around this anger anymore. It's not helping me, it's certainly not hurting him.

I think going to the cemetery will be good for me. I can take a minute to talk to him and let him know I know he's sorry. And that it wasn't his fault. And hopefully one day I'll be able to forgive myself as well. I still feel like if I hadn't ****ed up so much when ill, if I had made more of an effort to recover, maybe he never would have gotten hooked on the drugs. If I hadn't been depressed when we moved, he wouldn't have broken his sobriety. If I had just handled things better, he would still be alive.

But one thing at a time, right? I can forgive him first. Then forgive myself. And then, maybe I can fully heal.

This year has been a success for the most part. Even though I got let go from my job, I at least made it through the whole school year without having to take any extended leaves due to MI. That's the first time since I started teaching that that's happened. I haven't been hospitalized in almost two years and I haven't had a major episode in over a year. I've been a great mother to my son. Sure maybe he eats spaghettios and McDonald's but he eats, right? He sleeps well, he does his homework, and everyone always tells me what an awesome kid he is. So I must be doing something right.

I think I can take this giant step and get rid of some of my demons.

I know this was long and not exactly about BP so I thank you all for reading. You e all been here for me for four years through this whole mess and I'm so appreciative.

PS - I have a job interview on Thursday for another public district so wish me luck!

You're all amazing! Just know whatever you're going through, you have the power to heal.

You're so strong. You amaze me.

...and here I sit with tears in my eyes after reading what you wrote.

Firstly, It is hard to imagine that this tragedy occurred 2 years ago. I am sure it is devastating to still miss him and to hold on to all of that anger. Forgiveness is a hard pill to swallow and takes much more courage and strength than nearly anyone can handle. Anyone except you! I have watched you with your beautiful son and his MacDonalds . You are so beautiful in and out and I know that despite your horrific suffering you will rise. All my love!!

You're so strong to have gone through all of this. Thank you for sharing this with us.

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story here.

Can you set up an appointment with a T the day or two after visiting his grave?

There is not enough words to convey how much your strength has amazed me.

Watching you go through all this has been heartbreaking and yet I sit here in tears not all sad tears tho. I am so happy that your going to let go of the anger..

Your strength is amazing and such an inspiration to me. You give me hope that someday I'll be able to say good-bye to my own husband and the grief will become easier to bear. (((HUGS))) to you.

Thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazing person and I hope someday soon you can forgive yourself as you have finally been able to forgive him.

Good luck on your job interview.

Sending big hugs and good luck on your interview. Your such a good person and mom to your son!!

Thank you for sharing. Yes it's hard to not be angry, and to forgive, and to let go.

At twenty-plus years later, I still wish my husband hadn't died. He missed all the things that he could've done with the kids. But his demons were more than he could handle.

But I'm in a good marriage now, I raised a good kid that I wouldn't have had if he were still alive. I'm starting to sort out my life now that I'm edging closer to my "golden years."

I hope you find this peace too, in time.

Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. You are doing an amazing job working your way through acceptance, grief, forgiveness, etc.

Life is messy. There are some life situations I lovingly call "beautiful messes."
These are "messes" which end up transforming us, when they could have very well destroyed us.

Your post reminds me of life's beautiful messes.

You are an amazing person.
I hope the healing continues.

Much love to you and to your son.

(((((( Wildflowerchild and son ))))))


WC

What a thoughtful reflection and positive look to the future, after experiencIng such a heartbreaking event. You show great strength and tenacity. Hang in there. Good luck w the job seeking.

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I'm definitely not "looking forward" to the cemetery visit but I have made my peace with it. I am going to bring a scrapbook I made for my husband when we first started dating. It was our six month anniversary so I made him a book of love songs that reminded me of him. I printed lyrics and glued them in, and added scrapbook decorations. He loved it. We kept it through the years. I found it in my closet last year and was tempted to throw it away, but I want him to have it. Since I can't go back in time and leave it in his casket, I'm going to leave it for him on his grave. I know the cemetery keepers will just end up throwing it away but I don't want it, I made it for HIM and I want him to have it.

I'm almost in tears writing this. I miss him so much and it will be hard to say goodbye. But he told me before he died that if anything ever happened to him, he would want me to move on. He would want me to be happy. He loved me and our son more than anything in the world and he would want the best for us. This is for the best. Holding on to anger and resentment won't help me.

I will be ok.