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#1
May 13, 2017, 12:50 PM
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I have a lot of time to myself today and, even though I love my alone time, I would enjoy meeting a friend for a walk or even a coffee.
As I think about this, I realize I have lost track of many friends, both older and newer friends. I realize the severity of my illness(es), and the energy it takes in trying to manage illness, have been major obstacles to maintaining closer friendships. More specifically, the degree of chronic pain and these lengthy severe depressions are obstacles for sure. I often do not have extra energy to entertain or to attend social functions. In most social gatherings, I feel "different from" others, like the "odd one," and as though my diagnoses are stamped on my forehead. This part is all in my own head, I know. Although I do get a lot of questions about how nice it must be to not work, once some people know I am "disabled." Many also ask what I am doing with so much time on my hands? (Well, in a severe depression, the answer may be "nothing. I am doing absolutely nothing.") I am used to hearing these questions, having been disabled so many years. It still feels "odd." It's uncomfortable, for sure. Can anyone relate? What are your obstacles to forming/maintaining friendships? What are some good strategies for maintaining friendships? Would love to hear from you on this!  WC Last edited by Wild Coyote; May 13, 2017 at 01:49 PM. |
 Anonymous59125, Daonnachd, Fuzzybear, LadyShadow, Nammu, Sunflower123, Unrigged64072835, xRavenx
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 xRavenx
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#2
May 13, 2017, 01:08 PM
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WC,
I have a system that I use. I made a list of all of my friends...online, irl, relatives, church friends, bipolar friends, you name it. I then look at this list every week and decide who needs a text, who needs coffee, whatever. When I am feeling despondent, I can at least send a "hey, how are you doing?" text. I am honest with people "I am feeling down and not getting out much right now. Could we talk on the phone to get caught up?" When I feel better I am pretty assertive about getting out and seeing my friends. DON'T make the mistake of thinking people don't care because they don't call. Most people are really busy and tired. I text someone three times (spread apart a while) before I give up on them as a friend. I make and keep most all friends this way. I did have a best friend (see my thread floating around) that I lost due to my MI. This sucked. I'll never have this good of a friend again, but my other friends fill in most of the empty part. Don't give up...you need friends.
__________________
Lamictal Rexulti Wellbutrin Xanax XR .5 Xanax .25 as needed |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| LadyShadow, Sunflower123, TrailRunner14, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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#3
May 13, 2017, 01:15 PM
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Hey WC,
I totally relate! I have absolutely zero friends close by at this time in my life. I can get together with my sister (very rarely) when she is not busy with her life, her friends, and her boyfriend. I envy her in so many ways because I have absolutely no where to go and no one to hang out with. I had one friend who I met in a Day Program that I used to do things with. I recently blocked her number because she was always getting "stuck" and breaking plans. My heart couldn't take that anymore. So I know what it's like to have absolutely no one. Sure, I have friends online, but even that has become scarce as of late. I don't have any advice to offer because I am in the same exact place, but I certainly know how you feel. I hope you make some real life friends soon, like I wish for myself. 
__________________
Tales of Love, Motivation, and An Interesting Journey - Please Subscribe to my Website on WordPress: Inspired Odyssey's Journey of Grace, Grit and Starting Again |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, Unrigged64072835, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| TrailRunner14, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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#4
May 13, 2017, 01:24 PM
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Quote:
 I used to send special cards, too, thru the U.S. Postal Service. I have a drawer full I've never addressed. Good intentions, just haven't done it. Thanks so much for your contribution to this thread! I am sure many of us will benefit!  My sincere sympathy for the loss of your best friend.  WC Last edited by Wild Coyote; May 13, 2017 at 02:23 PM. |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123
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| TrailRunner14
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#5
May 13, 2017, 01:37 PM
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Quote:
I am sorry you are going through a shortage of friends, too. I have some old friends around, it's just been so long now, I wasn't sure of how I'd wanted to approach it and/or if I was really ready to "catch up" yet or not. Two of my blessings are: Hubby and I are best friends. He has 4 days off a week. When I am up to doing things, I do them with him. I don't often have a lot of energy left for more (with others). My elderly mother lives with us and she often needs help. I can get worn out before I have time to think of getting together with others. What are your obstacles to maintain friendships? I hope you are having a good day today! WC |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, xRavenx
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#6
May 13, 2017, 01:46 PM
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Well, it's just that there is NO one around. I wouldn't even know how to make friends again, or where to begin. I had high school friends, but they all moved on with their lives; husbands, children and whatever, and I really don't want to go back down that road.
I have looked at MEETUP.com frequently, and there is just nothing in my area that I would want to be a part of. I don't know it's just hard and I just have no one. At least you have your husband, I don't even have that  Why don't you just reach out to some of your old friends? A friendly text or simple "hello" couldn't hurt, no? I am having an okay day so far, it's a bit rainy and cold, but its nice. Hope you are enjoying your day too!
__________________
Tales of Love, Motivation, and An Interesting Journey - Please Subscribe to my Website on WordPress: Inspired Odyssey's Journey of Grace, Grit and Starting Again |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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#7
May 13, 2017, 01:53 PM
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This probably isn't super helpful, but... I've given up on real life friendships. It's not that I can't make and maintain friendships. I just don't want to.
I know that sounds crazy, but I don't have the time anymore to put in effort to maintain friendships. I can make new friends, but I rarely have time to hang out. I'm usually really busy with something, as my job is pretty demanding. Now, I don't mind my job. I actually like it now that I've switched roles in the company and ditched my douchebag boss. I'm just super busy and only have evenings to myself... and I need some time to myself to "decompress". The other problem is that any kind of relationship -- work, friends, romantic, etc. -- is all give and take. I can't constantly "take" because no one wants a friend who constantly "takes". And well, I don't have much time to "give" because I need my alone time, *away* from people, to relax. I don't need all of that mental stimulation. So all in all, I don't care for friendships at this point in my life (unless they're online friendships, of course!). I'm satisfied with where I am at. I have 4 hours to myself every evening after work, and that's the *right* amount of time I need. Weekends? Ehhh... I like to sleep in, honestly... and I'll usually go out somewhere just to get fresh air. So yes, I could hang out with people then, but... idk. I have no excuse as to why I don't go out with people. I just don't. I find it to be too much effort, and I prefer to read. (Yeh, lame of me!) |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, Unrigged64072835, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| scatterbrained04, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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#8
May 13, 2017, 02:04 PM
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Yes, I am lucky to have my husband. We are a good match. We'd met when we'd least expected it, so you never know.  Good for you for checking MEETUP.com. I am sorry it wasn't helpful. I hope you will find a place to socialize and meet like-minded friends. Are there spiritual groups you find interesting? You are so spiritually-minded, it would be nice if you could meet a friend with common interests. Don't give up! WC |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, xRavenx
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#9
May 13, 2017, 02:09 PM
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I don't think it's "lame" of you. You seem to know what you want and need. It's important to our stability to know these things. I'm, honestly, much the same. I LOVE my alone time and I've gotta have it! It sounds like you are on track with your needs/desires at this time! WC |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123
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#10
May 13, 2017, 02:20 PM
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I can relate to this. I feel marked too and it stops me from meeting new people. I just moved back to my hometown and around relatives so I do get out now, cause family. I do miss just going out for coffee or what have you, seems it's a lot easier when I had a job.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| Wild Coyote
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#11
May 13, 2017, 02:32 PM
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It's a strong feeling even though it makes no sense. I am glad you are getting out more and are near family. I live near my family, too, yet most of us are not close. Thanks for contributing! I hope you are having a decent weekend! WC |
| Anonymous59125, Nammu, Sunflower123
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| Nammu
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#12
May 13, 2017, 02:48 PM
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This post is timely because I think I need more friends, while being very unsure if I'm actually capable of having them. My biggest obstacles are my physical health and fatigue, complicated by my mental illness and often feeling people are out to get me and only being nice to me so it will be more painful when they turn (PTSD as I've had this happen a few times and it's devastating). In college I took a health class and being active in your community and having friends is a vital part of our overall health. I do think I'm the kind of person who needs social interaction (my husband does not want them at all and says I'm all he needs) sometimes I feel I have all I can handle and other times I feel my life would be more enriched by having a few more contacts. I don't do well with superficial relationships and don't get much out of them. I'm an all or nothing type person I guess. I can't imagine having a friend I couldn't confide in when I'm struggling but can't imagine making new friends I can confide in so it's a catch 22 of sorts. My physical issues are what hold me back more often but my mental illness is a strong motivator to stay away from people when paranoia is raging. I don't know what I want/need/am capable of at this point so I'm on the confused side of things. I plan to join a yoga class and hope to meet people I can have superficial encounters with like normal people have and see how that goes. I don't want to force anything and hope some quality people will come into my life who I can benefit from knowing and they can equally benefit from knowing me. We shall see how it goes. (((Hugs)))
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| Nammu, Sunflower123, Unrigged64072835, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| Wild Coyote
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#13
May 13, 2017, 03:07 PM
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Quote:
I can relate to most of your post. physical pain and illness holds me back, too. I am so sorry you go through this, too. It also feels very important to me that friends are trustworthy. It would be nice to be open and honest, as it takes so much more energy to hide things. What's the point of the friendship if we have to hide who we are? Friendship is a gift, an honor. I also do not know how much more I can do than I already do. My energy is depleted most days already. My IRL world feels really small right now. At the same time, my personal life (with several medical conditions and some psych limitations) feels very complicated right now. Overwhelming, often. My husband is happy with his buddies from work. He says he sees them enough when he's at work. He encourages me to have friendships, however. I hope you get to join the yoga class. I think you will find like-hearted people there. I'm hoping so! Thanks for joining in this discussion. You're a peach! WC |
| Anonymous59125
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#14
May 13, 2017, 03:20 PM
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I can relate to everything you've posted on this thread. I have the same severe, lengthy depressions that are really troublesome in making friends plus I need alone time plus social anxiety plus I'm an introvert. At this stage, honestly, everything I have I give to my daughter. This will probably change when she goes off to college.
Last year I made a goal to make more social connections so I joined a bible study at my church. I go the weeks that I can and attend the activities I can. I feel that odd man out feeling as well. I had one person say do you at least volunteer at your daughter's school? What do you do with all of your time? I sat beside another at a tea cottage luncheon who talked about her bipolar sister and denigrated people with bipolar disorder. All this without me saying a word. Having said that there are 180 women in this bible study and I've made friends. We stay in contact with cards, emails and text messages on a regular basis since I'm not predictable about getting out. There are two smaller groups that meet once a month ( one group for women over 50 eat out once a month and another group sees a matinee movie once a month). This is my next step in reaching my goals and making some friends and getting used to going out with people on a regular basis. This fall I plan on joining the singles group that does a lot of fun things to make more friends. None of this has been easy. In summary, I'm trying to overcome my obstacles to friendship but it's been slow going. I don't have anyone to go get coffee with or go for a walk aside from my daughter or my mother and I'm not sure if my depressions will ever allow that. You are really blessed to have such a great relationship with your husband and that you're best friends....that's huge. If you come up with solutions as you work on this please pass them on. Good luck on reinstating your old friendships and making new friends. Best wishes.
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| Anonymous59125, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| Wild Coyote
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#15
May 13, 2017, 03:21 PM
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You're a peach pie with whipped cream on top
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| Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
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| Wild Coyote
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#16
May 13, 2017, 03:27 PM
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Having a great lazy weekend hope you are too.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
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| Wild Coyote
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#17
May 13, 2017, 03:28 PM
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Do friends cause you more stress?
I had a very close friend for 3 years, within the past 6 years. There was a lot of give and take. I'd thought we'd be best friends for a lifetime. However, with time it became too stressful, as my friend would not balance her life with additional friends/interests. There were too many demands made upon me, too often. I was very kind in how I would try to talk with her about my feeling too stressed. (I'd needed more balance and had other responsibilities.) All she could see was rejection. She became angry and has remained angry for the past 3 years. The whole thing made me very sad; yet, no matter what/how I've tried, she does not (yet) want to heal our friendship. She may choose that option for as long as she wishes. Our friends need to understand/honor our limitations and we need to understand/honor theirs. We need to know/honor our own limitations in order to let them know where the boundaries are, should it come up. WC |
| Anonymous59125, Fuzzybear, Nammu, Sunflower123, xRavenx
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| Fuzzybear, Nammu, Sunflower123, xRavenx
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#18
May 13, 2017, 03:48 PM
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Quote:
From info we've each share on this forum, I'd thought you might relate. I think it's wonderful you give all to your daughter. I am sure she needs that connection with you. Yes, the depressions are so immobilizing. It's difficult to do anything, including maintaining friendships. I like "peace" and I am not a fan of texting. I like to stay in the moment and not be distracted by texts. Texting is such a big part of many people's lives now. It feel so distracting to me in many cases. That is a huge bible study group! Wow!  Give yourself lots of credit for attending. It's a lot to get used to. It's tough, isn't it? As much as I am mentioning this "friendship topic," I don't honestly feel ready to pick up friendships right now. Maybe in awhile. I am still waist deep in the quick sand called "depression," along with other complications. I can totally relate to your first paragraph! Thanks for joining in! Jump in again if you're led to do so. It's good to have you around here! I hope you and yours are having a fruitful weekend. WC |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123
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| Sunflower123
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#19
May 13, 2017, 03:51 PM
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Friends will add more stress at times in my experience. But they also remove stress at times as well. One of my biggest worries is not being able to be there for my friend when she needs me....especially considering she has lent an ear to me so often recently. I went through a bad paranoia recently and my friend needed me and I had to decline talking to her which killed me....but I knew it would have caused more harm than good had I talked to her. My husband insisted I didn't as I was in too sensitive of a state. The next day however I was able to be there for her. Our friendship is a very good balance of give and take. There are time when I give more and times when she does. In the end it all balances out. Like Jennifer, I feel I need to give all the extra time I have to my kids because they have special needs and considerations....but as they've gotten older they require me much less so I'm learning to navigate a new world in a way. One true friend might be all I need and I'm grateful beyond measure to have a kindred spirit in my life. I feel some local acquaintances would be beneficial for me though, I just need to get a bit more well before I can attempt it. My husband says he fears me meeting friends but he doesn't stop me from it. I talk his ear off when manic so it would be in both our interests for me to have a few more people to talk to so as not to burden him so much. Mania is best sprinkled about instead of consentrated on one person. Mine is at least.
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| Sunflower123, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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#20
May 13, 2017, 03:52 PM
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The main person I was friends with back in Texas was ok at first but unequal. I was on disability and she was a PhD with a good income. we grew up with similar backgrounds and she was also hearing impaired, not really fitting in with the hearing or the deaf. We we on some of the same committees and had that in common but to her everything was an occasion to eat out and drink. Both too expensive for me. Very stressful
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
| Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote, xRavenx
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| Wild Coyote
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#21
May 13, 2017, 04:03 PM
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Quote:
I think a lot of people have one very close "best friend" and other acquaintances, or similar. You are very fortunate to have a friend you feel is a "kindred spirit." Thanks for sharing this. WC |
| Anonymous59125
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#22
May 13, 2017, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
Puts a smile on my face!WC |
| Anonymous59125
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| Nammu
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#23
May 13, 2017, 04:13 PM
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Quote:
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| Wild Coyote
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| Wild Coyote
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#24
May 13, 2017, 04:44 PM
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I have a tough time maintaining real life friendships. I'm not friends with any of my high school friends. My best friend in high school moved to Vermont and lives kind of off the grid so I only talk to her once every few years. I've never made lasting friendships at work. I'm very friendly with everyone but I never hang out with them outside of work. Really my only two friends now are my sisters in law. When my husband was alive I hung out with his friends but never really became close to any of them.
I used to think there was something wrong with me, that I was inherently damaged. I just don't form attachments to people who aren't family. And honestly I'm not all that attached to most of my family. My grandma, Mom, brother, and sisters in law (and of course my son). That's it. I'm very shy and socially anxious so that's part of it. I'm also very much an introvert. I don't like going out to activities unless I'm manic. I prefer to stay home. I don't lament my lack of close friends anymore. It's just who I am. Sometimes I want to hang out (at my house) with people on Friday or Saturday and my sisters are both busy. So then I kind of wish that I had more friends. But I just wouldn't even know how to go about it. I'm very good at talking online but I hate talking on the phone and Come across pretty awkwardly in conversation unless I'm very comfortable with someone. Its just how I am. I'm ok with it now. I don't deal well with drama of any kind so I like having a simple life.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous59125, Wild Coyote
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| Wild Coyote
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#25
May 13, 2017, 05:16 PM
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Hi wildflowerchild!
It's a relief to be comfortable with things, just as they are! So glad you have your family. It's nice you sisters-in-law make good friends! I think a lot of us are introverts unless hypomanic or manic. I know I like to get out to peaceful destinations, AND I love being a homebody! Thanks so much for joining in this conversation. I have to go take veggies off the grill now. Lol! WC |
| Anonymous59125
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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