Do you ever get accused of being two different people?

!!There's a trigger in this post, and I don't know how to put in a warning on my phone. Just be aware.!!

My wife and I were having a tough conversation this afternoon. She was accusing me of being rude and abrasive while her parents are visiting. They're here for a few days and then will heading back to their home in another state.

My wife tells me I'm being rude and abrasive. I get accused of this every time we are around them, and I don't think there's any merit to the statement. The reality is that when they're around, anything my wife wants to do or any idea she has is perfect, and anything I might say to the contrary is just steamrolled by the three of them.

In the middle of this conversation, my wife told me that I'm two different people; sometimes I don't interact with the family at all and she has to be the leader, and at other times I'm engaged and wanting to do and talk about things with them.

There is some merit in this accusation, but it still hurts. The times when I don't interact with the family are the times when it's all I can do to keep from hanging myself in the back shed. The times I interact are when I'm doing well and want to give as much of myself as I can to the family and our life together.

My question is, are you ever accused of acting like two different people? Especially when your meds and treatment seem to be pretty well under control? I feel it's hard because "normal" people can have good and bad days, but being bipolar I'm not allowed to go up and down at all.

Nobody has ever accused me of this to my face, but I'm willing to bet it's been slung around quite a lot behind my back because I really am two different people in a way. I always thought I had a wild side that came out to play sometimes and didn't even fully appreciate how stark a contrast it could be from my stable self. People would look at me all wide eyes and scared even and honestly, it was so freakin annoying. It's all me, I am all my poles, not a different person.

I'm deeply sorry for how you are sometimes treated. So deeply sorry about how you feel and what you desire to do in that shed. I'm so glad you have not done that and that you have times when you want to share yourself with your family. I respect your intelligence a great deal and appreciate the posts and contributions you make to this site. (((Hugs)))

Thank you for that post, Elsa. What you said means a lot to me.

We spoke again, and I asked for a shred of respect for the fact that I have a job which provides 100% of the financial support for six people. Sometimes it's all I can do to get up and go to work on a given day and when I get home I've got nothing left to give.

Anyway, thanks again for your response.

I hear rumors of my sister alleging this about me. (She doesn't talk to me though. It's behind my back. She likes to instigate separation in the family.)

My explanation is similar to yours: sometimes I am struggling, sometimes I'm doing better and can be more present at family functions.

My husband should allege this, if anyone could!
Yet, he doesn't. He watches what I go through. He tells me he's sorry I struggle. He knows how to relate to me, and what to expect of me, wherever I'm at.

I'm sorry it feels like your wife does not understand how much you are struggling when you are more distant from family. I'm sure you'd prefer to be with your family and having fun, instead of thinking about the shed out back. (By the way, please don't ever follow through on that!)

Any chance your wife can be brought to a better understanding?
Have you ever considered couples counseling?

I, too, appreciate all you contribute here.

WC

I honestly do not know how you do it all!
Being the sole provider is a lot of stress.

WC

I agree fully with WC, taking full financial responsibility for 6 people is so much pressure! Don't beat yourself up for being spent, who wouldn't be? And you have this illness which makes it so much harder and I'm sure the pressure is suffocating at times. My heart really goes out to you. You have my respect and admiration. I'm glad you talked with your wife and got more understanding...some couples counseling could really help too.

Thank you both for your kind understanding.

To be honest, I've put my wife through a lot over the years. The disease and the ruins it leaves in its wake are nothing to minimize. It's a miracle she's still with me. I give her a lot of credit for sticking through everything with me and not leaving when she would have every right to do so. At times we've only stayed together for the sake of the kids. Before I had four kids I always thought that was a lousy excuse for staying married, but now I know there is some merit in it. Things are not like that these days, thank God.

She and I talked again, and I think there is more understanding than it seemed at first. We kind of smoothed things over.

Still, it hurts when she brings out the big guns and accuses me of something like that. There are also other times when she's threatened to take the kids and leave; and if it ever came to that, probably any court would fully side with her in respect to keeping the kids. It's not a constant fear I live with, but it is a reality I have to face. All the court would need is to hear the word "bipolar," and the deck would already be stacked against me.

All this shows my wife in a negative light. I do want everyone to know she is a wonderful woman with an amazing set of talents she's been blessed with. She is a fantastic mother to our kids, teaches all four of them as we homeschool the kids, she's a concert-level harpist and pianist, and she has an amazing ability to connect with people of all shapes, sizes, colors, and backgrounds. And she's beautiful. There are so many things I do love about her.

But as someone once said, I still have to put up with her shiit.

Thanks again for the responses. I'd love to hear if others have any thoughts.

Well there is a certain dichotomy associated it's being "bi" polar 🤷🏼*♀️ that said I think it seriously negates and enables others to mitigate our feelings, especially in scenarios in which we are truly valid to be upset. Like being steamrolled by your in laws and wife. That would piss her off if the shoe were on her foot and certainly no one would accuse her of being two different people. Sounds like a cop out to me.

I too worry when I complain about my husband that he will be judged harshly and unfairly. I didn't judge your wife at all....I don't judge you and I also don't think you give yourself enough credit in all this. You do not deserve to be left because of your illness, no matter how talented or beautiful your wife is. She couldn't be the good mother she is without your financial support to do such. Please take these words to heart.

Absolutely no judgement. People/life aren't black or white.
I'm sure your wife is amazing!
To be honest, sometimes I forget how hard my husband works to support us. Sometimes I fail to give him all of the credit he's due, which is a lot.
It was good for me to read your perspective. My husband thanks you, I'm sure!

WC

I agree with your dichotomy comment, in reality part of our diagnosis is. behaving differently depending on which pole we are experiencing.

It is definitely a cop out, and I appreciate you saying that. I called it the big guns, because there is no denying that A) I am manic-depressive, and B) that she could take the kids if she wanted to. It's a cheap shot.

I'm not mad, just kind of still hurting.

I accuse myself of being two different people because sometimes I can actually see it, although I can't do anything about it as I'm going through it. Therefore I find myself constantly apologizing to friends and restrict those friendships out of shame and embarassment.
I've yet to be in a real relationship since officially diagnosed, so I can only imagine how having this illness impacts a relationship and/or marriage. I wish you and your wife well, but I can understand how stressful it can be.

I just hate getting gaslighted myself is all.

In no way am I disparaging your wife. I was only commenting on the anecdote about you getting steamrolled. I can just relate is all. It's why I'd professionally never and rarely personally disclose my dx. I prefer when people don't have that bias.

Have you tried to talk to her about the bias she possesses due to her knowledge that you are bipolar? I mean we do not go around putting people with special needs down because they have struggles. We don't tell cancer patients they are weak, in fact we call them strong. Mental illness has such stigma, it just drives me batty.

Yeah, it's always in retrospect but I can also see myself acting in two different ways. I'm sorry you feel you need to restrict your friendships because of the disease. In what way do you do this?

Relationships are possible when you're bipolar, but it does put a unique spin on what the other person has to learn about. I was diagnosed after we were married for a couple years; right around the time our first son was born. She supported me then, and I guess she still supports me today. We just have to live with it, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

I wish I had advice about dating and marriage when you're BP, but I don't have any experience in that arena. Best of luck to you if you're looking for love. If not, just be cool.

Do you see this situation as gaslighting? I don't know much about the term, and don't know if I've experienced it in the past or if I'm dealing with it now. I'd hate to think I'm in the middle of it and I don't see it.

I get this a lot with my faith. I can be a zealous Christian or a raging *****. I don't mean to be either. But my friends on either side of the spectrum never know how to act around me entirely. I am loved by all of them and I love all of them but it is difficult for both them and me to understand. I hate it! I know this isn't exactly what you are saying but I can relate to an extent.