Loss of Expressed Passion

Previous to the full onset, an event I describe as an atom bomb detonation, in 2011 of being subjected to the extremes of bipolar disorder, specifically bipolar depression, I was a very passionate and inquisitive guy.

I loved reading novels and exploring various elements of knowledge. I used to watch science and history documentaries on a regular basis outside of school. In my pre-teen years I'd even check out VHS tapes(ancient!) about rain forests and wild life.

I only really found a passion for reading when I was in middle school. I started reading all the time in maybe seventh grade. I remember once getting in trouble with my eighth grade science teacher because instead of sitting and doing nothing as she instructed after finishing an assignment I picked up a novel I was reading and dove right in. That's still funny to me that I got in trouble for reading instead of sitting and doing nothing.

I read all the time in high school. Science fiction(primarily Star Wars novels), murder mysteries(I loved me some Lois Duncan), a plethora of Stephen King novels and novellas, Dean Koontz was a favorite too. In college and post-college I transitioned to the likes of Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Philip ****, Dostoevsky, Ayn Rand, John Steinbeck, Vonnegut and many others. I grew to greatly admire the style of dystopian lit and the social science fiction genre.

I even wrote a novel and started the second draft. I think it had a great foundation for a storyline, great character development , good prose, and very descriptive of the environment and psychological being of the protagonist. The weakest element was my dialogue. I never finished that second draft. I have had a few other good ideas. I like pursuing experimental writing.

Aside from writing and reading, from my pre-teen years to the end of my early 20's, I greatly enjoyed learning about new computer tech, video games, and watching movies. A lot of time was spent in regards to those experiences.

I was also very much into classical music. I'm a classically trained bass trombonist. I used to listen to recordings all the time in my high school and college years. I was in many extracurricular music programs in high school. I was in orchestra and a couple of wind ensembles in college and took private lessons for the extent of my college career. I was even accepted at a conservatory for graduate studies to pursue a master's in performance.

But, my psychological atomic bomb detonated, leaving my psyche in a land of desolation when I was 26 years old. I did notice an ebb in the pursuit of my hobbies starting when I was maybe 24 or 25. But, it became quite drastic when I was 26.

I'm now 32. I've only read three or four books over the past five years. I don't really listen to music anymore; I don't perform or practice anymore. I don't write. I don't play video games. I don't really watch movies. I know basically nothing about current tech.

My pursuits and passions were a defining characteristic. But, now there's basically nothing. I yearn for my former self. There is this hesitation, an impasse, beget from a spectrum of simultaneous depression or hypomania and anxiety that precipitates a disengagement from tasks that require a sustained mental effort as I experience pronounced memory impairment and deficits of attention.

I can so relate to what you just posted.

I can totally relate as Im passionless these days after having so many for so long. I was really into sports and exercise but have a few injuries now and so depressed and its hard to get moving with like walking or going to gym.

Im trying to find something new and more with the mind, but my ADHD makes it rough and prefer something physical.

I guess its just starting with something and sticking to it?

I really have no idea how to solve the problem. I frequently talked with my psychiatrist about it and he prescribed me ritalin at first, which had absolutely no effect. Then he prescribed me a high dose of adderall, which I took for at least two years. He told me, from what I can remember, that he thought it might help with motivation. The only effect I noticed is that I would sometimes space out when at work if I'd forgotten my morning dose. Didn't really help with motivation.

I do very much so miss partaking in the activities of my previous life. I think about them often.

I was somewhat active before jogging; I'd play racquetball with friends pretty frequently for a couple of years. Prior to that me and a two of my other friends would do weightlifting daily at the university's gym. We were pretty serious about it for a couple of years. Sometimes, if our schedules didn't line up, we'd get to the gym at 6AM to get our session in. We did that for a year and a half or so. Don't really know why we stopped. Probably got too busy.

The latter half of my college career and up until I was 26 I was into jogging. I went five days a week, starting at a couple of miles progressing to putting in six miles each session. I'd go out during the scorching summer heat of the South or the cold of the winter. On a couple of occasions I pushed myself to put in 10 miles a session. I was pretty serious about it. I had a Polar watch that could, among other things, measure distance, speed, time, and heart rate. You could even upload the data to your computer to see it in graph form. I was pretty religious about recording my performance stats and pursuing improved numbers. A goal was to lower my resting heart rate.

I remember hearing friends talk about not being able to maintain drive and hitting the wall early on; they'd wonder how to keep going. I was perplexed. I thought: just push through it, it's easy. Nowadays, I see the problem and it's totally foreign to me.

I frequently jogged on trails and occasionally used an indoor track. I injured my knee in high school and it can't really take the abuse of running on concrete or asphalt so I avoid sidewalks and streets.

I want to get back into some form of cardio exercise. I can't get back into jogging because there are no trails near me. I do like the rowing machines(e.g. concept 2 machines), but there isn't a gym near me and I don't have the money for a gym membership anyway.

Physical fitness was pretty important to me prior to being derailed by mental illness. I miss it and want to get back into. I think about it a lot.

I think about a lot of things from my past life.

I am another "wall of text" guy. I haven't done it so much here but on a similar forum I have a journal much like your novella. I found it helps a lot to journal even if almost no one reads it. It makes you concentrate on a single train of thought and sometimes it leads me to new thoughts about things that happened in the past.

The one thing that jumped out at me is the inconsistency of care. You didn't mention meds by name, but I have a long history of getting the wrong meds because I ran from my BP 2 diagnosis, but even using the right one there is some hit and miss to get the right combo. Lamictal seems to be a magic med for me. I am not saying it will be for you, just that I you need to be working with someone consistently that will help you find out what works.

I would also encourage you to look for a DBSA support group near you. I have found it very helpful.

Thanks for the response. Yeah, I definitely do the "wall of text" frequently it seems. It's not planned. I just start writing and before I know it, I've unloaded paragraph upon paragraph of logorrhea. You should see some of my text messages haha.

It was during my childhood that my care was inconsistent. I saw the same psychiatrist on a monthly and sometimes twice a month basis for about five and a half years starting when I was 26. I tried a gamut of medications and cocktail permutations. Usually changing doses monthly and changing medication(s) and/or cocktails every few months or so. The trial and error was so frequent because no single med or cocktail was efficacious; sometimes my symptoms would even become exacerbated. Worsened depression, rapid thoughts, rapid cycling, ultra-rapid cycling, etc.

Currently, I'm living in an area that doesn't have viable mental health options. First, I have to get a job to save money so that I can move to an area where I can find adequate medical treatment. Now, that's a tough exercise!