[dshantel]

So I've recently been doing a lot of self reflecting and trying to get to know myself. I usually tend to reject or ignore/put aside parts of me that I think people I love would reject or no accept. I do it because I don't like hurting people because it Hurts me when I hurt someone. I know it's kind of weird I can't explain it. Anyways so since moving here about 7 months now I've been so alone because I don't have anyone other than my husband and kids anymore. I got somewhat close with a guy I met 3 or 4 yrs ago playing online games. This situation started making me question myself. I've don't this before, it's not new but usually Everytime this happens I reject it because I don't want to be someone that people can't accept or that I think will hurt them. But it just gets to me when I think about my life. I've always needed multiple people in my life. I currently don't even really have friends anymore. I think that's why I've suffering more depression and mixed episodes this year. But the crushes keep happening for as long as I remember when I'm in relationships and now I'm married. I still absolutely love my husband but I keep liking other people and I can't help it. It's like a need. So I'm trying to now accept myself as maybe poly by orientation or non monogamous. But then when I think about it and my life it just triggers all kinds of other feels that aren't good and I'm trying so hard to not go back into a depression episode or mixed but I can feel myself slipping and I don't know what to do. This is why I usually just try not to think about it when it comes up. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this so that's why I'm here. Sorry. Im just not feeling so great at the moment. And no im not going to leave my husband or cheat. I guess it's just more about saying it out loud or having out in the open idk maybe to feel like I'm not hiding or whatever. I think my biggest fear is that none of this is real. What if I'm just delusional again. I can't even tell if my feelings are reality or not. I don't know. This keeps happening to me and I don't want to lose control because of it if u haven't already. I wish someone could help me.

[wildflowerchild25]

This is a good place to get it out. I can relate to hiding parts of yourself for fear that others won't accept you. I don't really havhave any advice but wanted you to know I read your post and I do relate.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I don't have any advice but I hear you and I'm here if you need to talk or vent. Please keep posting as you need to.

[bizi]

I think you need to talk to your husband about this.
I am sorry you are going thru this hard time right now.
bizi

[Woolly Bugger]

Your online relationships aren't healthy. You should probably consider therapy, if you haven't already. Your health is your number one priority, but your family is a close second. Do something about it before they get hurt. Best of luck to you.