[Tkb1966]

Every day of my life I'm walking the tight rope. Trying not to fall off but knowing that just a whisper can knock me off and plunge me into the abyss. This is the reason I am confined to my bedroom day and night. This is why when my phone rings I am terrified to answer it. This is why mail freaks me out. Anything that is just even a hint of something wrong or has the potential to be something wrong throws me out of balance and down I go. There are different depths that I can fall to on one side of the rope, various depths of depression. If I fall off the other side I fear that is madness. Everyday wondering which side and how far will I fall today.

[bizi]

Tell us more about yourself.
Do you have family friends, therapist, psychiatrist?Meds?
I am sorry you are struggling.
(((HUGS))))
bizi

[Tkb1966]

I was diagnosed bp 1 w psychosis in 2006, 1 yr after my oldest son who was 13 was diagnosed the same. I have been seeing the same therapist every week for 10 years. I also have anxiety, social anxiety. My pdoc discharged me in October for non compliance so I see a new pdoc in two weeks. I am only taking 300mg lamictal right now. I haven't had much success with meds it seems like I've tried them all. I've been married 33 yrs and have 2 son's 22 and 26 who live at home. I spend 22 hours of 24 in my bedroom. I only leave the house to go to appts or to the grocery store 1 x week, only with my husband. I don't socialize at all. I have a BFF I've had since I was 12 but she lives in another state.

[Slightlydelusional]

I hate to get the mail, its hell and I have to do it this week to get the upcoming bills.

And I agree its a tight rope! I was doing so well the past week and one thing tripped me up and fell off, but guess have to keep going.

[Tkb1966]

Excessive worry, fear, anxiety, depression. It has taken over my life. I'm hoping my new pdoc will be able to help. I know I need to give hypnosis and meditation a better try. It's just REALLY hard for me to get myself to be still and concentrate on that.

[lilypup]

I might be different, but I have found meditation only helpful when I feel somewhat decent. When I am flipped out it doesn't help much. Good luck and good thoughts to you.

[Tkb1966]

Thanks Lilypup. I don't see how anyone could focus on meditation when you're feeling hopeless among other things. My therapist has been trying to get me to for years. He's probably more than frustrated that I don't give it my best try, but he doesn't show it. He has incredible patience. Of course then I feel guilty, like I'm not trying to get better.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Tkb1966

Every day of my life I'm walking the tight rope. Trying not to fall off but knowing that just a whisper can knock me off and plunge me into the abyss. This is the reason I am confined to my bedroom day and night. This is why when my phone rings I am terrified to answer it. This is why mail freaks me out. Anything that is just even a hint of something wrong or has the potential to be something wrong throws me out of balance and down I go. There are different depths that I can fall to on one side of the rope, various depths of depression. If I fall off the other side I fear that is madness. Everyday wondering which side and how far will I fall today.

I know this feeling, this place you describe. It's a very stressful place to live, even though it's goal is to protect us from stress. It's very difficult to feel so vulnerable 24/7, living in fear.

WC

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Tkb1966

I was diagnosed bp 1 w psychosis in 2006, 1 yr after my oldest son who was 13 was diagnosed the same. I have been seeing the same therapist every week for 10 years. I also have anxiety, social anxiety. My pdoc discharged me in October for non compliance so I see a new pdoc in two weeks. I am only taking 300mg lamictal right now. I haven't had much success with meds it seems like I've tried them all. I've been married 33 yrs and have 2 son's 22 and 26 who live at home. I spend 22 hours of 24 in my bedroom. I only leave the house to go to appts or to the grocery store 1 x week, only with my husband. I don't socialize at all. I have a BFF I've had since I was 12 but she lives in another state.

I am very sorry it is so hard for you right now.
I am surprised that you are only on lamictal.
If you have had some psychosis before I always thought that you would have to take an antipsychotic medication to prevent another episode.
How did your psychosis happen?
bizi

[Tkb1966]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am very sorry it is so hard for you right now.
I am surprised that you are only on lamictal.
If you have had some psychosis before I always thought that you would have to take an antipsychotic medication to prevent another episode.
How did your psychosis happen?
bizi

I'm only on lamictal NOW. I have taken several different antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stablizer but because either they stopped working or side effects I'm no longer taking them. I'm seeing a new pdoc on the 7th. My last pdoc discharged me for non compliance which was totally unfair because he would not listen to me that effexor was no longer effective and was making my anxiety skyrocket. So I stopped it on my own which was a huge mistake due to the aweful withdrawal. When i am really stressed I have visual, auditory and tactile hallucinations. I took safris for years by samples supplied by my pdoc because my insurance wouldnt pay for it. No more samples so I had to stop. We'll see what happens on the 7th. I know this pdoc does ECT because one of my pdocs years ago suggested I see her because my depression was resistant to meds. But ECT scared me so I never went. Now I'm going to her because she is the only one I can find that takes my ins.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope a new pdoc can help you out and I'm glad to hear you are seeing a tdoc. This is really impacting your quality of life rather severely. As far as meditation goes, I find that it and mindfulness are difficult for me in the thick of things.

My new therapist likened it to playing in the Super Bowl. She said players in the Super Bowl have practiced most of their lives. Her point was that when you are in the thick of things, it's like the Super Bowl. There has to have been preparation for it to work when you really need it. In my case, I'll work on practicing when things are calm. We'll see.

I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

[Tkb1966]

Thanks Jennifer. Yeah, I have times when I'm doing good and really need to use that time for the exercises my tdoc wants me to do. I told him I do believe it can help me (really because he believes it) so I don't know why I'm so resistant to setting a time each day and just doing it. But I'm going to try.

I relate to just about every word you've written. (((Big healing hugs)))

[bizi]

I wish you much luck with your new pdoc.
There is a $5 coupon for abilify right now on their website, that I am using.
Otherwise it costs $1400 a month which is ridiculous. When they stop the program/coupon then I will get it from canada for $50. I was on geodon for many many years and klonipin to sleep but that stopped helping me sleep. So now seroquel was added and stopping klonipin to see if I can sleep better.
Drinking effects my sleep so that doesn't help.
Have you ever tried geodon?
bizi

[Tkb1966]

Originally Posted by bizi

I wish you much luck with your new pdoc.
There is a $5 coupon for abilify right now on their website, that I am using.
Otherwise it costs $1400 a month which is ridiculous. When they stop the program/coupon then I will get it from canada for $50. I was on geodon for many many years and klonipin to sleep but that stopped helping me sleep. So now seroquel was added and stopping klonipin to see if I can sleep better.
Drinking effects my sleep so that doesn't help.
Have you ever tried geodon?
bizi

I use to journal. I'm going to have to dig those out to see if I wrote notes on the meds I took and why i stopped them because yes I've taken ability and geodon, lithium, saphris and several antidepressants but most of them I don't remember why I stopped so I need to hurry and figure that out before I see my new pdoc.

[Unrigged64072835]

I feel that way now. I feel like I can slip at any given moment. There is a lot of situational stress, though, so I'm trying to push through that. Even if it's permission to crash after I'm done.