[BeyondtheRainbow]

(I see my therapist tomorrow and if I don't hear from my pdoc I'll have to call her because I'm going to run out of clozapine soon and I imagine my pdoc will contact her anyway. I will let them decide about hospitalization. I don't think I'm there yet but it's a fine line).

I finally crashed last night and slept I don't know how long but it was much longer than my usual 3 hours and I didn't wake up over and over too. Tonight I'm agitated.

My noises in my head seem a little quieter today, sometimes. But just when I think that the volume goes up. It's still constant and overwhelming. But if it is a wee bit better than that's something, right? I want to tell my pdoc it is a more better than it is but I'll tell him the truth. There have been other signs of hallucations: there were ghosts in my main room yesterday. I was in the bedroom and heard them. I don't believe in ghosts but something made ghost noises and it wasn't me or my kittens who were with me. Today I nearly fell because I took a step and just as I put my foot down I saw a cat. So I tried to avoid it and it wasn't there. There may have been a music thing last night but I can't be sure.

What I want is more meds. I'm on 325 mg of clozaril and I would like to have permission to go up to 400 mg if needed. But I don't know if she'll let me do that while she's not here. At this point I'm just hoping for an increase of any size to try to make this all go away.From what my therapist read from my pdoc it sounded like there was concern that clozaril may not be working for me anymore. That's a bad thing and a VERY bad thing when my pdoc is leaving and I'll be dealing with an oncall doctor or an IP doctor instead (I'm used to IP consulting with her and they won't be this time if there is a this time).

Realistically I went and got the things I'd need for an IP stay. But I don't want to leave my kittens and I have 102 monarch caterpillars about to become butterflies in about 10 days and I want to see that. (Yes, this is a weird excuse to stay home). Nobody has concretely said I need IP, they just won't rule it out.

I just want to calm down and sleep. I got up and played with my Wii for a while and that helped until I tried to relax again. I can't take a PRN or I'll sleep through my therapy appointment.

I just don't know what to do to get through this. I need to talk to my pdoc. I wish I could see her but with her about to leave and having limited clinical hours it's impossible.

Sorry for rambling. I am having a rough night.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. It's good you have an appointment with your tdoc tomorrow and that you're willing to be totally honest and willing to go IP. I hope you get things straightened out. I love that you have kittens and butterflies. Awesome. I hope you feel better soon.

[Victoria'smom]

Try not to jump ahead of yourself. You still have med options. Let your pdoc and T decide where the best place for you right now. You could be home in ten days if you go IP now. Just be painfully honest with them.