Feeling awful today

Today, I woke up and there was an almost immediate feeling of hopelessness.

If I had to make a guess as to the cause, I would say that it could be from the fact that I had a job interview for a salaried position this past Monday. I'm supposed to find out today if I get the job. My interview seemed to go well, but a core part of myself has had the voice "don't expect that you'll get the job...don't believe that you'll get the job...getting this job would be good, but remember that good things don't happen for you; and if they do happen, they almost assuredly turn to ****."

But, that's just a guess. It really could be absolutely anything that could have brought about this turn in mood. Any random thing that is completely outside of my control; a random chemical misfiring and imbalance that has nothing to do with the environment outside of my inner state or anything that I could directly or indirectly control or influence through conscious or unconscious action.

I sometimes wonder at what point did I make a wrong turn or how many wrong turns did I make to get here. And my answer is that it doesn't matter if or how many wrong turns I made because there are simply things that are out of my control that seem to have a far greater impact on my life than anything that I could ever influence or control. I think to myself: when was it? at what point did it go wrong? And my answer is when I was conceived and born. And that was totally out of my control.

I try to remind myself that none of this matters. Because in truth, it really doesn't. There is no point in setting roots or looking for anything meaningful because the world is a violent and impermanent place where the hurricanes and tornadoes that are life will rip up everything you try to secure, snatch it from your grasp, and dash it all upon jagged rocks.

I am sorry you are feeling like that. I get this way too when I am expecting something, even easy stuff like checking my bank account and email gives me a sense of dread. But then once I do it or find out the outcome I feel better. It sucks to have to go through all the work up though. Good luck!