I feel like i'm half-dead. I guess that's better than fully-dead. It's not much of a life tho. Meds aren't much help and therapies have largely been fiascos. My meds prevent me from living a healthy lifestyle. They make me hungry and tired so i overeat, oversleep and am sedentary.

I'm in bed about 12 to 16 hours a day. I'm only up for 8 to 12 hours. I'm not asleep all the time i'm in bed. For long hours i just lay there, enjoying the peace and quiet, the softness and warmth. I get out every day to see to my dog tho we just go to the dog park.

I eat so poorly i don't have 'regular bathroom habits' and am chained to a toilet. Sorry if that's TMI.

I don't have any friends and i'm not in touch with my family. I don't work. I'm a 50 year old divorced woman with no kids. I've been diagnosed and thru the psychiatric wringer since i was 25. I'm satisfied that they have done what they could for me and harmed me along the way as well.

My only toe-hold in the world, aside from my dog, is competitive Scrabble. And that's only once a week tho i play online and study word lists the rest of the week. It's an on-again-off-again kind of thing tho. I'll work on it for a while every day then not at all for a while. I also like Jeopardy.

I'm not really sure what the purpose of this post is. I guess just to share about the mediocrity of my life. I'm not looking for any gimmicky suggestions about how to pry myself out of bed with a three-item to-do list or to see my doctor for a med tweak. I guess i just want sympathy.

Possible trigger:

I've attempted suicide eight times. Five by pills, twice by cutting and once by gas. I really feel like i've tried hard to die. It would be my preference. But i guess i am condemned to live. Whatever. If i have to live i feel justified in putting fuuck-all into life. I've done my bit regarding suicide. If it's my fate to live until my natural death i'm going to get there by minimizing my suffering as much as possible and that means by giving the absolute least effort possible.

[bizi]

You have my sympathy Jane.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Woolly Bugger]

Half-dead is the same as half-alive. It's all in how you look at it.

Haha Woolly Bugger! You are some kind of joker! "Half-alive" -- indeed!

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Hold on to those few things that do help you hang on...your dog, scrabble and jeopardy. Don't give up. There's new medications coming out all the time and one could be a game changer for you.

Since I was diagnosed I had never been stable. I was just used to SI (it went farther then that). My only child, who I'm extremely close to, went to college 2 hours away. My pdoc and tdoc thought I would have to go IP. Surprisingly, my doctor put me on a med combo that kept me out of the hospital and has stabilized me for the past 5 weeks...ever.

You have my sympathy and big hugs.

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by apfei

I feel like i'm half-dead. I guess that's better than fully-dead. It's not much of a life tho. Meds aren't much help and therapies have largely been fiascos. My meds prevent me from living a healthy lifestyle. They make me hungry and tired so i overeat, oversleep and am sedentary.

I'm in bed about 12 to 16 hours a day. I'm only up for 8 to 12 hours. I'm not asleep all the time i'm in bed. For long hours i just lay there, enjoying the peace and quiet, the softness and warmth. I get out every day to see to my dog tho we just go to the dog park.

I eat so poorly i don't have 'regular bathroom habits' and am chained to a toilet. Sorry if that's TMI.

I don't have any friends and i'm not in touch with my family. I don't work. I'm a 50 year old divorced woman with no kids. I've been diagnosed and thru the psychiatric wringer since i was 25. I'm satisfied that they have done what they could for me and harmed me along the way as well.

My only toe-hold in the world, aside from my dog, is competitive Scrabble. And that's only once a week tho i play online and study word lists the rest of the week. It's an on-again-off-again kind of thing tho. I'll work on it for a while every day then not at all for a while. I also like Jeopardy.

I'm not really sure what the purpose of this post is. I guess just to share about the mediocrity of my life. I'm not looking for any gimmicky suggestions about how to pry myself out of bed with a three-item to-do list or to see my doctor for a med tweak. I guess i just want sympathy.

Possible trigger:

I've attempted suicide eight times. Five by pills, twice by cutting and once by gas. I really feel like i've tried hard to die. It would be my preference. But i guess i am condemned to live. Whatever. If i have to live i feel justified in putting fuuck-all into life. I've done my bit regarding suicide. If it's my fate to live until my natural death i'm going to get there by minimizing my suffering as much as possible and that means by giving the absolute least effort possible.

I relate to you with bed issue. Sometimes I'm in bed for 20 hours then sleep.
I've had brought that issue many times with my t, pdoc and here in the forum. Finally all 3 suggested a php or iop program. The doctor at the program decided to start me on iop which lasts for 6-8 weeks and I attend 3x a week for 3 hours each. I've only attended one week and have been able to stay out of bed for few hours. I'm trying to enjoy my workout and mma, which was something I loved.
Maybe talk to you t about iop. It may help. It does get you out of bed to attend.

[wildflowerchild25]

I have no suggestions. I just want to say I'm sorry for your suffering. I have felt the same as you. The only thing that worked for me was ECT. Otherwise I would have ended up in the state psych hospital and figured out how to kill myself there. That was my plan anyway. But I got talked into doing ECT and it gave me my life back. I'm not saying ECT is a good idea for everyone, I'm just saying there might be something out there that can help.

You've been so supportive of me. I just want to give you hugs.

[Wild Coyote]

As you've clearly pointed out, there are no easy answers to these types of challenges. It's so frustrating!

I can relate to your post quite a bit. I've spent many years (40) trying to find a new med, a new med combination, a new approach, a new procedure/option(s), etc.
It gets old. It often feels "nonsensical" to keep trying, as though I keep banging my head against the same wall.

For some reason, I do keep trying. I sometimes go into paralyzing depressions and am quite sure it's the end; yet, at some point, I feel just a little better and think I can, once again, make it through the set-backs, somehow.

We are similar in age. I've done some major isolating, especially over the past several years, due to the shame, the sadness and hopelessness I have felt. There's now a huge gap between me and many "old" friends. I have little idea of what's going on in their lives. I am saddened that I have not been able to keep up with them. Yet, I can only do what I can do. Even today, I am lost for words in trying to help them to understand what my life is like daily, weekly, etc. I am not sure they can understand, or if their understanding would be truly helpful. I just don't know right now. Feeling kind of lost these days.

I'm so glad you have a precious pet!
Their Love is unconditional and they can be a lot of company!

(I have had dogs and they have kept me alive and trying during some of my worst times. I don't have one right now; my last one passed on. It'll be a little while before I get another; yet, am sure I will do so, as it's important to me.)

I enjoy your posts about your excitement and your competitive edge in Scrabble. It's clear you derive some joy from your participation.

I am sorry you have been through so much.

My heart goes out to you.

I hope to see you around the forum. You are missed when you are away for extended periods, by the way.

I hope today is a better day for you.

We are here for you, just as you have been here for us.

Much Love to You and to Your Pup!


WC

Thanks, Wild_Coyote, for the thoughtful post tho i am sorry to hear we are in the same boat. It's a sad way to live but i guess we play the hand we're dealt. I had a nice time outside with my dog just now. We were out for over an hour. It's cool and refreshing and i think the sizzling Summer has finally passed. The Fall should be easier. Thanks for your support!

[bizi]

I am glad that you have your doggie to love!
Fall is coming!
Not for us just yet, it is still in the 90's....
We have rains expected to arrive after tropical storm Harvey comes upon us this week starting tomorrow. That will bring down the temperatures.
Feel well dear Jane.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi