[catch]

I'm so depressed today. My 36 year old son is bipolar and has lived with us as an adult for more than 10 years. He has only deteriorated in that time. Especially since 2012 when his granddad died. He also has addiction issues that have gotten worse since then as well. We never know if he's high or manic. We don't know if he's depressed or drunk. It just gets harder and harder and we can never be certain there are no drugs or alcohol involved in his moods.

He can be sweet and funny. But we usually see him angry, defensive and unable to hear criticism, or understand our concerns. He seems unable to understand what his dad and I have to deal with and expects things to continue as they have been.

I'm 56, retired on disability due to MS. Husband is 66, retired and has a number of health concerns which have only increased in the last 5 years.

We want our lives back, but certainly can't kick son to the curb. I know there are no answers, but this is why there are so many mentally ill people on the street: their families can't take it any more. We are hovering on the edge.

[Shazerac]

Yes your life is important! Perhaps you could seek some help with a family therapist develop a plan for your son to move him out of the house. Even though he is mentally ill he is still responsible for his own life. My daughter is bipolar and alcoholic/substance abuser. There is no way I'd let her live with me. My own sanity would be at stake. I read a book called "don't let your kids kill you." Sounds drastic, but living under such constant stressful conditions can be a danger to your health and even your life.

I like Shazerac's idea of seeing a family therapist. That would probably help more than anything I can think of. Therapists are great.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I agree with the therapist idea with a plan on gradually finding alternative housing for him. If he continues to live with you maybe you could come up with rules or a plan so it's not so stressful to you. For example, while he lives with you the substance abuse has got to go. He is responsible for seeking treatment for this. I hope you make a decision that brings you peace. Sending big hugs.

[Travelinglady]

Yes, you need to make other arrangements. I wouldn't think stress would be good for MS, for one thing.

[Wild Coyote]

I agree with the advice given by our friends here.

Within your post, it surely sounds like the stress has already taken a huge toll. It's important you have Peace in your home, your refuge, in this world of turmoil.

I am glad you are reaching out, looking at your options.

I know you love your son and this is a very difficult topic/situation for you.

I think it's possible for some changes to work out in the best interest of all.


WC

[bioChE]

If he's lost in addictions, then yes your life is more important. You can do whatever you can to help him out, but it ultimately won't matter until and unless he makes the choice for himself to leave those behind. If it's negatively affecting you, then you have to do what you are able to get him out of your life and limit contact with him. Your health (mental and physical) has to come first. He has to face the consequences of his choices, whatever they are. They are his choices.

[Wild Coyote]

You might also find involvement in these groups helpful:

National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI)

and/or

ALANON.


WC

[still_crazy]

hi. i have a diagnosis of Bipolar I and I'm in my early 30s. I've been living with my parents now for a bit less than 5 years, after being driven out of an apartment in a nearby city (long story).

It is --always-- a challenge to have adult offspring living with their parents. Even in situations like mine, where the parents and the adult offspring get along well and all, 21st century American culture frowns on such arrangements, and that alone creates some problems, at times.

I had substance abuse problems in my late teens and into my early 20s, but (Praise God!) I haven't done drugs in nearly 10 years now, and that's a --big-- reason why my parents and I get along so well now, I --can-- live here, and my treatment is going well.

do you go to church or anything like that? people who are seriously adrift need guidance. Some churches have "Celebrate Recovery" programs that help some people.

With active substance abuse problems...I don't know what to tell you, honestly. Mental Health professionals...well, I find them to be hit or miss with many issues, honestly. Its as if...the more help someone needs, the more wretched that person is, the more likely the "treatment professionals" are to take the $$$ and shrug, watching as the person and the situation deteriorates.

Some areas have group homes for people w/ severe mental problems. Not ideal, but...I suppose a possibility.

I do hope things work out for you and your family.

[Unrigged64072835]

Family therapy would help. If anything, you would have a third party to hear the situation.

Sometimes, though, the kids don't care if the parents are hurting, as long as they get what they want. It may time for some tough love. If he stops getting what he wants, he may hit rock bottom and get the help he needs.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Family therapy would help. If anything, you would have a third party to hear the situation.

Sometimes, though, the kids don't care if the parents are hurting, as long as they get what they want. It may time for some tough love. If he stops getting what he wants, he may hit rock bottom and get the help he needs.

Maybe it would help you read some books about "enabling" Your son has a cushy comfy set up where he has no responsibilities, all is provided for him. He has no incentive to make any changes.

Tough love is exactly that TOUGH. It's difficult to stand your ground with a child you love. It's difficult to face the fear that he will suffer more from being on his own. But it's time that you and your husband had a life. He's 36 years old. He' not a child anymore.