[Doggostrophic]

Hi there, I'm new here obviously. I'm sorry if this is a faux pas, making my first post basically a please help me kind of thing. I really don't know where else to turn, I typed bipolar forum into Google and this is what popped up. This might, or probably will, end up long...
I was diagnosed 10 years ago, the course of my illness is pretty much a repeated cycle of mania with psychosis followed by depression with psychosis, rinse, wash, repeat. I had about three marvelous years without any episodes whatsoever randomly in the middle, but that's long gone. I'm now married and have a young kid who likes to push my buttons but honestly I love her to bits.

Anyways. Recently, for the past couple months or so, I've entered a weird episode? Weird for me. I've cheated on my husband, something I've never done, three times. Each time I feel like a monster after, but then I do it again. I'm filled with rage which is also unusual for me. I can't stop talking, like I physically can't, I'm pretty sure if I stopped then the physical force of the words trying to escape my mind might actually split me in two. I can't stop moving, see above. My mind is literally moving faster than reality. I keep having moments where it seems like I'm actually a few seconds ahead of my body because it just can't keep up. When I try to concentrate on a thought it's like grasping at straws that are whipping around on a demonic carousel because they're going way too fast to even comprehend. Not sleeping, I just don't feel like I need to. If I try to I can fall asleep but I don't see the point. I know all of these sound like mania, and I've told my doctor about most of them and she's increased my medication dosage. But it doesn't seem to be slowing it down.
Something that's concerning me though is that things keep moving in my field of vision. Like a cup on a counter or a pencil will move half a foot, right in front of me. And it makes no sense, it's impossible really, but I keep seeing it. So it makes me think these objects must have some sort of important meaning. And this is troubling because my last psychotic episode was plagued by "hidden meanings". I don't know if I'm psychotic or not right now, which is concerning. I've got a constant soundtrack of music playing, and talking I can hear that seems almost like it's coming from the walls. And what I'm hearing seems to promote the idea that these objects have an importance.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't go to the hospital because I'm the main breadwinner in our family and we have no insurance. But it seems like, after reading my own post, that things aren't going to fix themselves anytime soon.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Have you told your pdoc about the hallucinations as well? Do you have a therapist who can support you through all this? I think the therapist might be the most important help for you; it sounds like you have a lot of stress which doesn't ever make bipolar easier.

Welcome to PC!

[Guiness187055]

Welcome to PC. You are right it's not going to get better on your own. It sounds like you are suffering from mania with a little psychosis. Like mentioned above a therapist can be lots of help. I would also contact my pdoc and be completely honest with him. Hopefully he can put you on different meds more suitable for you situation.

When I am going manic a nice course of olanzapine acts quickly to calm it down. Please call the doc for help while you still have insight. Tell him/her things are getting worse and you need brakes

[Shazerac]

Welcome to psych central I agree with the others. Please try to get some help. It does sound like you are having mania with delusions. Cheating on your husband is a big red flag and is common in a manic episode.

[~Christina]

I would agree to take a heavy hitter Psych med to knock you down as quick as possible !

Please get into therapy to learn how to not act of actions like cheating on your husband. I hope your marriage will survive.

Welcome to PC

[~Christina]

I would agree to take a heavy hitter Psych med to knock you down as quick as possible !

Please get into therapy to learn how to not act of actions like cheating on your husband. I hope your marriage will survive.

Welcome to PC

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC I'm glad you're here. Yes, I agree you need to tell your pdoc what is happening. Therapy could be beneficial as well. Sending big hugs.

[Doggostrophic]

Wow, thanks for all the replies! I've been trying to get in for therapy for a long time but there's such a long waitlist, and whenever the consulting pdoc where I get my medication is in he downplays that therapy would help because I've done CBT and DBT already as a teenager. So I keep ending up living at the bottom of the list.
I'm going to tell my doctor that things aren't getting better though. I don't know what she'll do or say or prescribe or when I'll even be able to get in but I'm definitely going to get in as soon as I can. I just don't know what to do until then, that might not be for awhile with how healthcare is around here.