[starryprince]

Hey all! Hope you are all having a good day/night! I've just started reading this book called "Why am I still depressed?" by Phelps and it is so informative as I'm trying to learn more about myself as I don't really know what's up with me and neither did my old pdoc (I'm getting a new one next month). Well...He just didn't really feel like listening to me, is the better way to phrase it. And the book is just helping me understand depression and bipolar SO much better.

There is something I'm confused about, though, and I hope they're not silly questions.

It seems like every time I read about mania or hypomania, the descriptions focus on euphoria. However, as Phelps said, euphoria isn't the only thing that's experienced during a manic or hypomanic episode. There are negative emotions, too, like anger, irritability, etc.

So I was wondering if anyone could give me some real life experiences you've had of manic or episodes you've had that wasn't just euphoria? Or that wasn't euphoric at all? How did it start, how did it build up, how did it peak, etc.?

And also...I REALLY apologize in advance for this question but I have no one else to turn to right now.

But for the people who have menstrual cycles: how can you tell the difference between your PMS symptoms and your depressive and/or bipolar symptoms? Or does PMS just make everything more intense?

Thanks a lot for your help, and I hope my questions weren't offensive or anything! I'm just trying to get some answers for myself.

[kkrrhh]

No need to apologize at all, those are both valid questions.

With the second question, for me, it's kind of hard to separate the two... But I think generally what I would consider more normal PMS symptoms for me tend to be a little bit of weepy type sadness/emotional-ness, and the times when I can tell it's actually bad depression/anxiety flaring up things are more intense or severe, like actual anxiety attacks and self-hating thoughts. It's also possible that the 2 kind of mix together with PMS just making your typical depression and symptoms worse, which I think is what happens for me sometimes.

[NatsukiKuga]

For me it's being depressed enough to be suicidal and energetic to do something about it.

[Shazerac]

That is a fabulous book. I'm so glad you read it! Reading that book made me realize that I was in fact bipolar and not just depressed. I took that book with me to my Pdoc. She said ok I think we can get down to business now. I got a script for a mood stabilizer and it changed my life.

Like you I thought mania was always euphoric happy mania with lots of energy and creativity. NOPE! Not for many of us. I get mixed episodes where I am depressed and manic at the same time. God does that suck. When I get only the mania, it's white hot furious angry mania. If I had a canon, I'd be up on the roof shooting it off while cursing my neighbors.

I'm past the PMS stage in my life, but I do remember that I would go stark bonkers when I had it. I do think it made my symptoms worse.

[UpDownAround]

I get mostly euphoric hypomania but every now and then I get irritable. I still have racing thoughts and still have a high opinion of myself but don't want to explain myself and have zero patience. When euphoric, I will try really hard to explain things, coming up with half a dozen different analogies (each of which confuses my listener a little more). When euphoric, I love to talk. When irritable, I hate it; I am very terse.

[Victoria'smom]

I'll be laughing and joking about horrible things (no one else is laughing but I don't care). I only share my warped sense of humor with my husband, T, and Pdoc. Then switch to horrible angry ***** mode. Then to my husband's plotting against me or I'd be better without him. The whole time I'm uncomfortable because I have to much energy. Then I think of horrible ways to get rid of the energy not realizing if I acted on it I'd die. I just think hurting myself would be fun. My thoughts are all jumbled and my concentration is shot. On the outside I'm just shaking my leg and having a bad day. I'm more paranoid, time goes too slow for me. So it's not fun.

As for my period. I sleep the day away the day before my period and I get suicidal right before.

[GoldenSnitch]

I think that you are asking very valid questions and the people here are very supportive so don’t worry about anything being silly.

I find a lot of my manic episodes to be more mixed. I get filled with intense irritability and anger over everything. It’s not all euphoric all of the time. Timelines of mixed episodes are fuzzy for me so I don’t have a lot of detail in that regard. All I know is that they are horrible.

As for pms I find that it seems to exaggerate my symptoms. If I’m weepy, I get super sad. If I’m irritable, i get intensely angry.

I have had times when my hypomania and mania switched between elated and irritable within the same week, day or even few minutes. It really depended on the triggers. If I was "free" of things that could frustrate me I could be seen dancing and singing and skipping around with glorious or other worldly deliriously happy thoughts in my head. But if I was triggered or constantly under stress, the irritability started. Irritable was kind of the very early stages with just angry thoughts racing through my head. Hell, fire fury was when it got bad.

Early stages: Hyper-energized with a nasty look on my face, and angry thoughts racing through my mind. Then if a little more, it was complain, complain, complain, complain, telling a person off, criticizing a person without any impulse control. Yelling in the diner (for most people to hear) that the waitress forgot to tell the cook to put TOMATO on my grilled cheese sandwich even though I stressed it TWO TIMES!!!!!!!!

Middle stage: Saying very nasty things to people, yelling as part of a tantrum, perhaps kicking something, throwing something against the wall, going to my car and screaming at the top of my lungs. Getting worse...If in public, strangers would make comments and yell at me to leave. Once at a pharmacy the pharmacist called out a security word on me so I had to flee. Another time a pharmacist threatened to call the police if I didn't leave, even though they didn't fill my Klonopin prescription (turned out it was too early, but I was convinced otherwise). Once after a therapy appointment my therapist called my psychiatrist and told him I scared her, and that I was "suspended" from therapy until my psychiatrist said I was "OK". Getting even worse...At work I often punched the side of my work station and my keyboard while roaring. Scared six people so much that they went to Human Resources. Was threatened to be fired. I resigned in retaliation. [Note: I ended up having to change pharmacies, and that therapist eventually made it known that she could not help me.]

Very worst stage: If in the hospital, screaming at the top of my lungs, punching the wall, beating my pocketbook into the wall at the IOP (they called 911), or slapping my face repeatedly, maybe flailing my arms and legs while screaming on the ER floor, being dragged into the isolation room and given an injection of Haldol or Ativan. Was once shadowed in the hospital (a hospital security man followed me in the psych ward) to make sure I didn't suddenly become violent.

As I recall, a few of the worst of times were motivated by the smallest things. For example, once I didn't like that I had to sleep on a cot as the third bed in a two-bed hospital room (they eventually gave me my own room). Another time was because I didn't like what the Nurse Practioner said (or her). Another time was because they wouldn't let me use my tweezers. The IOP 911 call time was because I was sick and tired of hearing people in the therapy group talking about addiction.

[Standup2me]

Sheer joy is one of the most wonderful things about mania
Sheer rage is one of the most horrible things about mania.
I have experienced both.
I'm what most people would call small (short, etc)
Once, when manic, I attacked another driver's car kicking in their door panels, yelling at the top of my lungs "which one of you m.f.s (bad word used at the time) wants to die first?"
I scared the two big burly guys in the car senseless.
The rage can be frightening

[starryprince]

Thanks SO much to everyone who responded on this thread. I learned so much, and it's helped me a lot. I appreciate everyone telling me about your experiences. It shed light on a lot of things and it helped me understand myself better. ❤