I want a magic wand

I am tired of having to go slow with trying meds, so tired of waiting to feel even partially stable again. I just want someone to wave that wand, get me to exactly what I need to make me feel better. Because I am TIRED.

I know ups and downs are what make bipolar, well, bipolar, but I am exhausted. I can't work a standard job, so my husband and I have been trying to get a home-based business going, while barely surviving on my disability benefits. I have been throwing myself into this business, setting up everything - because I am the obsessive planner, my husband will handle clients, when we get some! So I stress about the business, stress about money, stress about my children, stress about my moods.

I can only afford to see my new pdoc once a month, although she wants to see me every other week right now, and I should be seen that often. This is the third pdoc I've had since last December, so I haven't had a lot of consistency. My main pdoc, who left in December, was much more aggressive with treatment. I guess because he was there during my two hospitalizations. The last one and current one are SO conservative with my meds, and I'm just tired of everything taking so long. But the reality is that I haven't felt stable (functional) since early 2015. Was hospitalized in October 2015 and April 2016, and my mixed episode actually got much worse after my last hospital stay.

I am ultra rapid cycling, but still somewhat in a mixed episode, they both run together. I guess I read things about rapid cycling is hard to treat, mixed episodes are dangerous (it definitely was for me last year, I'm getting close now) and I get discouraged. I've been manic and not sleeping, which means I stay up working, which means I end up pushing myself to crash. I'll crash for about a day, then go back to my manic ways, but I crashed hard a few days ago, and I can tell I'm not getting out of it soon. I don't even remember the last time I saw my therapist, maybe two months ago.

But I'm not taking much - 150 mg Lamictal 2x day (300 mg total), 1 mg Klonopin 2x day (2 mg total), and last month started 1 mg Risperdone once a day. I go to the pdoc tomorrow morning - what the hell can be done? I've crashed so hard, and the best I get will probably get is 2 mg of Risperdone...big deal. How is that going to help when I can barely function? I absolutely can NOT go back to the psych hospital - it helps absolutely none and makes me more miserable. But I don't have any happy updates for the pdoc tomorrow.

I don't even know what it's like to just be manic or just depressed. The past four days of severe depression is likely the longest consistent mood I've had in over a year. I know each person responds to meds differently, but is there ANY med that has been best for ultra rapid cycling?

I just wish I felt like I was going to get something out of my pdoc appointments, but as bad off as I am now, I don't see how. I am just so tired, I feel like I've been spinning my wheels for 2 1/2 years, it's just draining.

Thanks for listening.

(((((Hugs)))))

I was taking the updated version of risperdal, invega, and in conjunction with and antidepressant it worked very well. No manic or mixed episodes.

I am sorry you can’t see your pdoc more often. It sucks to not be able to afford healthcare. Ive been there.

I hope something works for you soon!

I did end up getting the 2 mg of Risperdal, as expected. My pdoc says it is good for rapid cycling, mixed, and sleep - but 1 mg didn't make me drowsy at all. She thinks my mania is coming on because I haven't been sleeping, but my mania is also contributing to me not sleeping! Who knows what came first but I am in a bad cycle. I can't take any antidepressants at all. Even after I was reassured Wellbutrin was NOT an SSRI that induces mania, it contributed to my worst mania and mixed episode ever. Apparently they are poison for me, but I'm glad it is working for you!

I guess all I can do is give the 2 mg a chance. I wish I liked my pdoc more. She spends about 30 seconds actually talking to me, and the remaining 14 minutes, 30 seconds typing. I know they have to keep track of notes, but this is worst I've ever experienced. It's just frustrating.