[BeyondtheRainbow]

It seems like there are so many of us saying this right now that another post is hardly what we need. But I'm really struggling. My AD was increased a week ago so it should be helping. I'm at the max dose.

I have permission to increase my AP for agitation as I expected the AD to throw me up but it didn't. I'm hesitant to increase it as things are because it is sedating and all I can do is sleep. At night it can be hard to fall asleep and I seem to wake for 30-60 minutes but then I sleep until afternoon and most days take a nap on top of that.

I saw my therapist today and he noticed that I'm very tired and thinking slowly. I only remember part of the session. I'm trying to decide if I should try to get in to see him again this week. Unlikely but sometimes it works out. If we decide early that i need an extra session and he doesn't have time he usually can find an hour for me but I'm not comfortable asking him to work extra.

To make it worse the last time I was manic I was paranoid about my therapist and some things he said months before and now some of that is creeping back in. Which leaves me not trusting anyone all that much.

I just want this to go away.

[Daonnachd]

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. It does sound like a second session with your T, if you can get in, would be a good idea. Contact him first thing tomorrow morning.

I hope you feel better soon.

[emgreen]

I've been messing with my meds lately to get the right mix...AD vs. AP. Anxiety vs. depression & sleepiness. I see my pdoc on the 8th, but he encourages me to know what my med needs are. When I get mixed, though, I don't know what the hell to do. Good luck getting an extra session & figuring out what's best for you.

[Nammu]

I'm having trouble finding words right now.....((((((((((( rainbow)))))))))

[xRavenx]

I am so sorry you are going through this. These intense feelings can feel like they will never go away. However, slowly but surely, things can have a way of falling into place again. Medication changes can be so stressful! It will be one day at a time, but we're thinking of you!

I’m suspicious of the increase in your AD - if you’re starting to have thoughts like you do when manic, maybe the AD is causing it?

I would call the pdoc

And don’t feel bad about posting!!

I hope things improve for you

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't think the AD is doing anything bad because it if were I would be mixed and I would know it. Things seem to happen in no uncertain terms in my brain. My therapist kind of triggered the paranoia by saying something completely innocent and actually kind but somehow frightening at the same time and that started the rest.

I did email my pdoc. I don't think there is a lot she can do easily so I will probably wait it out. I imagine the next option is lithium and I have a history of multiple toxicities so lithium is a scary drug although really effective and likely to wipe out the paranoia in a few days.

I will call and see about my therapist tomorrow. It's hard because I am so extremely tired that driving 75 minutes each way is not appealing at all and I worry I'm too tired to be safe.

Thanks for all the support.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I can't stop thinking about this depressive episode I had in high school, long before diagnosis.

I helped in the guidance counselor's office so I knew him well and we had numerous meetings when I was falling apart (depressed but my parents refused treatment). He was this short, stocky, very strong man who made me feel really safe.

So at some point I became suicidal and had a plan and intent. My best friend got me to admit it and told him. That night at a track meet (he was a coach) he pulled me aside under the bleachers and kindly but sternly talked about what a bad option that was, I had better options, and I was NOT going to harm myself.

Looking back it is disconcerting. I had every reason to be involuntarily admitted and I would assume that would mean against my parents' wishes. (There was a whole big thing protecting my mom from children's services beyond offering counseling and I might have said too much at the hospital. I think that was the reason. Same reason the abuser wasn't removed from our house by children's services. Same reason when my children's services therapist quit she buried my file. Etc).

But when I feel really down and want to take a few handfuls of PRNs instead of 1 I often think back to that lecture, a result of both caring and avoiding the real issues.

I have no point here....sorry for blabbering

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. Please do post, it's not too much and we are all here to support one another.

I recall some of the depressions in high school. too. Very tough times.

(((((( BeyondtheRainbow ))))))

I hope you feel more comfortable soon.

WC

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I have no point here....sorry for blabbering

That's just nonsense. Memories exist for a reason...to remind us of important events & the impact they had on us. Something has kept you here with us, & it probably had a lot to do with that guy who helped you out in a pinch. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're certainly not blabbering!

[99fairies]

I hope you get the help you need and feel better very soon.

[Victoria'smom]

Rainbow are you safe? I'm so sorry you're not doing well. Please keep posting. Did you call your T? I know you don't want to reach out to others but please do. You deserve to feel better.

[liveforsummer]

Hugs BeyondtheRainbow
How are you today? Did you get in to see your T?

[Wild Coyote]

Thinking of you!

WC

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Rainbow are you safe? I'm so sorry you're not doing well. Please keep posting. Did you call your T? I know you don't want to reach out to others but please do. You deserve to feel better.

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

Hugs BeyondtheRainbow
How are you today? Did you get in to see your T?

Thanks everyone. Yes, I am safe. Too tired to care about any bad thoughts enough to act. All I want to do is sleep and at least sleep is safe.

I didn't call my therapist because I slept too late, right through my alarms. No point in calling now as there is no chance of an appointment in the shortened time he works this week. I'll go back Monday and hopefully will feel less exhausted by then and so driving won't feel so hard and potentially unsafe. I did email my pdoc and haven't heard back yet. I don't know what she can do so I'll wait a while before I try again (and sometimes it takes a few days anyway).

Tonight I have to scoop the kitty litter. Tomorrow maybe I'll make it to Walmart which I've been putting off for weeks. I am not desperate for anything from there yet but I know I need to get out of the house and not sleep so much.

Sorry you're feeling so crummy. Hope you get to feeling better soon.