[JanusunaJ]

I feel so overwhelmed. Crushed by an ambivalence -- I'm being pulled in one direction by self-assurance and systematization while being pulled in an opposite direction by apprehension or anxiety or doubt or low self-confidence

This past Wednesday I had a phone interview with an HR coordinator for a dream job. I think the interview went well. I emailed her later in the day to thank her and to reiterate my interest and qualifications. She replied, which I took for a good thing. She said that I could submit a portfolio tomorrow -- the day I'd said I would be able to get it to her. I sent it to her earlier today.

I have this 700 page textbook that I've been reviewing -- it's been a couple of years since I did any serious work in my field. I only have about 100 more pages to review. But then I have to take practice tests and prepare for a certification exam. I also have to review or rather teach myself a complex clinical data standard.

If the HR coordinator likes my portfolio she'll pass me along to the HR manager whereupon I'll have a phone interview with him. I have two to three weeks to be able to ace the subject of the certification exam, which I'm sure I can do since I've been reviewing for a month. But, I also have to build a working knowledge of the clinical data standard; at least such that I'm able to have an informed conversation regarding it.

I just feel like I have to be perfect. Opportunities like this happen so rarely for me. In fact, I can't think of a chance like this occurring for me in the past. And if I screw this up, I'm not sure when it'll happen for me again. I try to not let myself get too excited or hopeful. There's this decision fatigue or something similar that's tearing me apart. One rope is pulling me towards planning and studying/reviewing; one rope is pulling me towards safety, "don't get your hopes up," "you're going to fail"; one rope is pulling me towards give up, just stop. And if I'm not perfect, I'll fail.

I'm just so tired of things not working out for me.

[bioChE]

I have a piece of advice that I’m terrible at implementing. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Life goes on. Prepare for the job and interview, and you might be the perfect for them. Hope for that.

But on the other hand if it’s not meant to be, move on to the next thing. The time, study, and preparation you’ve done are not wasted. They’re preparing you for what’s next, whatever that may be.

Like I said, I’m no good at taking my own advice on this. At the same time, saying it to you helps me see that I could be easier on myself if I don’t hit perfection. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

[Sunflower123]

Good luck. My fingers are crossed for you. I also agree with what bioChE said.