[BadNews4321]

I've been having a lot of self doubt lately, and it's tough to let go of. I guess a couple of decades of negative self-talk does not stop all of a sudden.

One thing I need to is be more active on this forum. It's been very helpful, and just as helpful when providing feedback to others.

So this has been a very positive year. I went from being unemployed, to going back to school, getting a practicum for my school program in a place that I was told does not accept practicum students (yet my persistence paid off), to continuing my education and moving up the ladder with my employer while having a mere four months on the job.

And, I'm not living for my job. I still go to the gym almost everyday which I love, I twisted the arm of my employer so I could get a work schedule that allows me to go back to volunteering, and I still have time for friends.

So I've totally rebuilt myself in a short 18 months, and I feel like the real me is back.

Now I'm taking a challenging program by correspondence, looking forward to it, but feel totally useless and empty again. My experience with this thing called bipolar is that these times make these feelings tougher to take, because things are going relatively well. It may sound weird, but with getting so much emotional support and reliable people helping my succeed, I'm starting to feel isolated. I don't know why.

This has happened to me in the past, and I could never figure out what it was about then, or what is going on now. As an example, I have my pool operator certificates already and have shifts in the pool in community centers. Usually, I'm talking to my co-workers and supervisor during and after my shift to learn as much as possible. They are going out of their way to sit down with me and explain things, or help me on the job with anything I am unfamiliar with. Part of me is excited and happy to be a part of the team, but at the same time, I feel so alone.

I just don't have an answer of why I feel so sad sometimes. I love my job, working hard and learning. I'm doing a public service, and enjoy spending time with most of my co-workers (hey, nobody can get along with everyone). I'm taking care of myself outside of my job, and my job is not my life. Now, at times I'm feeling even worse, because I'm telling myself I have nothing to complain about. Even talking about this empty feeling makes me feel bad, like I'm hijacking the conversation and being selfish.

I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from. No luck yet.

[Daonnachd]

Congratulations on rebuilding yourself. That's something to be proud of. You're right, though, a couple of decades of negative self-talk does not stop all of a sudden.

[ck3416849]

Originally Posted by vertigo

Congratulations on rebuilding yourself. That's something to be proud of. You're right, though, a couple of decades of negative self-talk does not stop all of a sudden.

Keep it up you are trying your hardest or at least it sounds like you are. Don't be so hard on yourself and take it slow being bipolar holds slot of people back keep up the good work.

[Northchild]

Have you ever read The Hobbit by Tolkien? There's this everyday average guy living in a quiet little village. The biggest problem he usually has to face is whether or not to have a third breakfast, (and the answer is usually "yes").

One day he gets caught up in a grand adventure. He walks hundreds of miles, meets people of new races who have very different ideas of how life should be arranged, battles fierce monsters, learns how to deal with troublesome (dwarven) coworkers, finds a magic ring, puts his life on the line in a battle of wits, and helps in a small way to liberate a wealth of gold and antiques from a deadly dragon.

When he finally returns home, he finds himself somewhat different from the other villagers. I don't remember if he tried to tell them stories of his adventures or not, but he eventually figures that they just will never "get it". Sure, there's a part of our protagonist who can chat about the weather, or what tobacco is best, or how many breakfasts is too many. But there's always going to be a part of him that I'm sure is quite alienated, and lonely even when his fellow villagers are right there talking to him.

This loneliness that you're experiencing isn't selfish - it's simply something that bipolar disorder leaves behind.

[BadNews4321]

I like that hobbit analysis. There is something similar we've talked about in the support group I attend. This gut feeling some of us seem to have when we meet new people, the realization that they've hit rock bottom at one point in their lives like we have. A sort of quiet understanding of each other.

I'm way too tall to be a hobbit, but I guess the sense of not too many people realizing why I work so hard and how difficult it can be to fight through my self doubt can be interpreted as loneliness.

Thanks for the thoughts, it actually really helped.