"I wake up scared, I wake up strange
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same."

- Lyrics from “What a Good Boy” by the Barenaked Ladies

I'm ready to face it all head on. I am going to fix the mess of a life I live and become someone I want to be -- and happy. I realized today that I'm sitting around waiting for the right time to fix things. There will never be a "right time". I just have to fight for my happiness and make the changes happen. I know I can do it. No more waiting, no more hiding -- it's time to just take things into my own hands and create the world I want. This is important for me. I have to at least attempt this, even if it is only a temporary natural high in my life.

I think this is the type of thing my therapist sees in me that made him diagnose me as bipolar. I get on an emotional high with confidence, energy, and ambition only to lose it and crash and burn. I may not be in this happy state for too long, but it's clear to me somewhere inside me -- I can handle this. I can make life my own and I can achieve my goals.

I took some firsts steps today going in that direction. I re-enrolled into my PhD program. I'll start in January if all goes as planned. I know there is a big risk here where I may fall into a depression and can't continue again. But right now, I don't feel that is even a possibility really.. I won't let anything keep me from achieving my dream. Besides, I have some time to change my mind if I need to. I'm gonna fight for it.

My whole life is in shambles... I'm ready to execute a plan to change that. Period.

Writing this out serves two purposes. 1) As a reminder of a promise I am keeping to myself to change my life and 2) As a motivator for those who can relate.

If fighting for your own happiness isn't worth it, what is?

You are so god-damned right.

I didn’t sign-up to have my head shoved up my a$s but that’s where I found it.

And I rolled around in my mewling melancholy for years upon years.

I will always need two medications to KEEP my head from my arse but now? Now that I’m working on a groovy thang? I am cogent enough to keep my head on my shoulders, far from my arsehole.

I find your planned re-engagement uplifting. And honest. I hope that you can inspire others.