[Victoria'smom]

I’m starting to think I’m just ****ed up bipolar or not I’m just a **** up. I don’t want the life I have. I would rather crawl in a hole then be like this. I have everything I want / need a wonderful family, even the in-laws, we can pay our bills and have enough left over for educating our son. I have a great life but I fight to want to even be part of it. I feel like everything's falling apart and I’m just sitting there watching and waiting for that to happen but I know it’s not going to. I can’t be like this. I don’t participate,

I just watch and wait. I wait for people to talk to me so I can respond with short sentences just watching. Right now I’m on here when my MIL, son and husband are watching kubo and the two strings. I need a personal invitation to know I’m not bothering them. My son goes off to college and he’s not going to know me he’ll know the drugged up shell of me but not me. Why is this so hard to get use to?

I almost told my husband I want a break but he was raving about how well we fit together. So I felt that was a bad time to bring it up.I need a therapist but it’s not like I know my issues and it’s not like I even talk when I’m with a therapist. I’m just a place holder and they’re better off helping someone that can speak and engage in conversation. I’m safe (we’re at the inlaws) but to be honest I wish I wasn’t safe. I’m pissed off at my husband still for making me participate in the co-op more but even that feeling is hard to grasp. It’s more I know I’d be pissed so I am. If I was home I’d be reaching for the ambien but this feeling is not going to go away. I get so mad seeing happy people because no matter how well off we are I’m still ****ed up. How do I make this not a forever feeling?

[unaluna]

Im really the only one who has to understand the choices i make.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m sorry

I agree with unaluna, or my head does.

I’m feeling pretty ****ed up right now too.