[Wander]

For the last month at least I have been in a mixed episode. At one point I thought it was passing but in the last two weeks it has rapidly worsened. Saw my T today and he was concerned enough to try and contact my pdoc. Unfortunately it is nearing Christmas and both of them are going on leave for at least three weeks. My pdoc may already be on leave. Not that I know what anyone can do for me.

Basically my moods fluctuate dramatically, mostly agitated and very depressed. At times I can barely fight the ideation but don’t want to hurt my family. I feel my life is pointless and hopeless. I have not been able to have children, live alone with little chance of finding a man. Struggle to hold my head above water at my dead end job and at university. Study seems pointless as I wouldn’t be able to cope with the jobs I could get anyway and will be in my mid to late forties when I graduate. I feel I have nothing to live for outside of my family. My T mentioned hospital but I refused as it is Christmas and I also feel it will do no good. I will be so bored in there and climb the walls.

Despite this, I still am managing to make plans for the future, exercise, work and organise and clean my flat. I am trying to live as if I will get better all the while feeling like I’m drowning. I have a trip to Sydney and the Blue Mountains planed in February which is a 4.5 hour flight from here. It is six days to stay with a friend. I so hope I am feeling better. My last trip to Sydney was a nightmare due to a severe mixed state. Sigh...

Sorry for downloading. I guess I really need support right now.

[99fairies]

I hope this episode ends soon and you have a great trip. Big hugs.

[Wander]

Hardly any sleep last night and I have a busy day. Really hope this passes soon. Can’t take much more. Thanks for all the hugs and support. I need all the help I can get right now. Apart from my small extended family I have no support in real life.

[Wander]

Not coping today. Wish I had a friend to catch up with. My mind is racing. I am pacing or madly busy. Just can’t calm down. So agitated and low. Tearing my hair out. Aagghh!!

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this agaIn. Please stay safe!!! We care about you here.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Wander

Despite this, I still am managing to make plans for the future, exercise, work and organise and clean my flat. I am trying to live as if I will get better all the while feeling like I’m drowning...
I guess I really need support right now.

Hey Wander,

Your posts convey a great sense of courage and isolation. It takes enormous strength to persevere the way that you do. Right at this moment, you are a role model for me... even though I am an ocean away. You've got a friend to spend a holiday with.

I want to get to the point where I can make plans for the future and live a more active life. You've got a lot going for you too.

About that feeling of drowning, is that related to isolation or to hopelessness or to neither or both?

[Guiness187055]

Do you have any prn's to get you through until you see your pdoc?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Feel better soon, friend.

[Teddy Bear]

I hope this passes for you

[Wander]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Hey Wander,

Your posts convey a great sense of courage and isolation. It takes enormous strength to persevere the way that you do. Right at this moment, you are a role model for me... even though I am an ocean away. You've got a friend to spend a holiday with.

I want to get to the point where I can make plans for the future and live a more active life. You've got a lot going for you too.

About that feeling of drowning, is that related to isolation or to hopelessness or to neither or both?

Thanks so much! I feel if I don’t stop fighting I will die, so I keep busy and plan good things. Today I’m exhausted from the activity. I have Fibromyalgia so there is a downside to being too busy. I crash physically.

The overwhelmed feeling comes from being at maximum capacity to cope and not having the resources to help. My friend over east (3000 miles away) is the only friend who calls me and that is about monthly. She cares and that is why I’m going to see her. I’m lucky to have her and my family. Thanks again.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

Do you have any prn's to get you through until you see your pdoc?

I have Clonazepam and Haloperidol mostly. I am maxed out on Clonazepam at up to 6 mg a day and can only take the Haloperidol intermittently as it makes my eyes blurry if I take it more than a few days in a row. Pity as it really helps. I do also have Zyprexa for sleep but I hate taking it due to weight gain issues. At least I have these on hand but sometimes even they are not enough. Can’t wait to see my pdoc on the 16th Jan but also hope I’m better by then.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Haldol makes my eyes blurry too! I take it twice a day