[imaginethat]

My sister is nearly 50. She's always been temperamental and angry, hostile, and bossy, getting defensive over any statement, prone to expletive-ridden tantrums. She likes to call my mother a ****** and even the C word. Unfortunately, even at her age, it's like dealing with a toddler, however, a very loud, paranoid one.

There's no way to tell her how I feel because she'll immediately throw it back on me. For example, if I say "I feel like a scared defenseless child when you ****** me out," she'll say "Well, you make me feel like an idiot." There's never an attempt to understand my viewpoint. And I have given a LOT Of thought to understanding her situation. I have given her chance after chance to be somewhat civil. It never happens. She's mean, she's funny and sweet, she's mean, she's funny and sweet. It's a never ending cycle.

My mother thinks I should be able to let this behavior roll off my back. I told her we teach others how to treat us, and I will not teach her that it's OK to treat me like she does. My mom nearly cried when I said I don't want to spend Christmas with my sister and her.

What do you think? Should I submit myself to abuse just because she's my sister?

[Tucson]

If it is possible at all, I would ignore her. I know this may be impossible for you because of how your sister’s behavior affects you. I would tell your mother that you are only there for her, not your sister. Or spend time with your mother another day without your sister. FWIW

[imaginethat]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. It might be possible to ignore her for a very limited period of time...say...an hour or two.

Originally Posted by Tucson

If it is possible at all, I would ignore her. I know this may be impossible for you because of how your sister’s behavior affects you. I would tell your mother that you are only there for her, not your sister. Or spend time with your mother another day without your sister. FWIW

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by imaginethat

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. It might be possible to ignore her for a very limited period of time...say...an hour or two.

Exactly! Limit your exposure to her. This may mean shortening your stay with your mother, but I think she will understand. I am very glad you think my reply is helpful to you.

Originally Posted by imaginethat

My sister is nearly 50. She's always been temperamental and angry, hostile, and bossy, getting defensive over any statement, prone to expletive-ridden tantrums. She likes to call my mother a ****** and even the C word. Unfortunately, even at her age, it's like dealing with a toddler, however, a very loud, paranoid one.

There's no way to tell her how I feel because she'll immediately throw it back on me. For example, if I say "I feel like a scared defenseless child when you ****** me out," she'll say "Well, you make me feel like an idiot." There's never an attempt to understand my viewpoint. And I have given a LOT Of thought to understanding her situation. I have given her chance after chance to be somewhat civil. It never happens. She's mean, she's funny and sweet, she's mean, she's funny and sweet. It's a never ending cycle.

My mother thinks I should be able to let this behavior roll off my back. I told her we teach others how to treat us, and I will not teach her that it's OK to treat me like she does. My mom nearly cried when I said I don't want to spend Christmas with my sister and her.

What do you think? Should I submit myself to abuse just because she's my sister?

No, you should not submit yourself to any abuse just because society dictates that we invite family over for the holidays.

I have a push-pull relationship with my sister too, where I've tried to discuss our relationship only to have her stonewall me by refusing to admit she's intentionally alienated me etc.,. It's futile for me to even try to discuss our relationship anymore, so I just don't.

If you know that your sister won't listen, then there's no point in trying to get her to see your point of view. My sister refuses to see my point of view, so that's why I just gave up trying.

So, maybe just find another way to tell her if it's that important to you. You could always send her an email where you express your feelings, to justify why you are taking a break from hosting Christmas at your house this year, etc. Nothing wrong with establishing strong boundaries with others to protect yourself emotionally.

There have been times where I've turned down my sister's invites to her home for Christmas, Easter, or Thanksgiving because I just didn't want to deal with my entire family's dysfunction. I made the mistake of going to her home for Thanksgiving this year, and was treated like a leper.

I don't even know if I'm invited to her house for Christmas Eve this year. She never calls me or contacts me. I always have to reach out to her. She intentionally doesn't invite me to her children's academic or sporting events, and if they ever ask me why I don't come, I directly have told them, "your mother didn't tell me about it." Which of course, pisses my sister off, but that's her problem. I'm not going to pretend to her children that their aunt and mother have a perfect sisterly relationship, as we just don't.

So, if spending time with your sister stresses you out, just be firm with her and tell her you're not hosting Christmas this year, etc. and limit the amount of time you spend with her. Life is too short to put yourself second, even to family members.

[taybaby]

NO! Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life for your own health.

[imaginethat]

Cielpur, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I don't know why family relationships have to be so difficult. My family is full of people who don't like each other!

I'm going to make one more attempt to have a rational conversation -- this time through email instead of a conversation where she can get loud and bite my head off.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's good to know I'm not alone, though I wish neither one of us had to deal with this situation.

Originally Posted by cielpur

No, you should not submit yourself to any abuse just because society dictates that we invite family over for the holidays.

I have a push-pull relationship with my sister too, where I've tried to discuss our relationship only to have her stonewall me by refusing to admit she's intentionally alienated me etc.,. It's futile for me to even try to discuss our relationship anymore, so I just don't.

If you know that your sister won't listen, then there's no point in trying to get her to see your point of view. My sister refuses to see my point of view, so that's why I just gave up trying.

So, maybe just find another way to tell her if it's that important to you. You could always send her an email where you express your feelings, to justify why you are taking a break from hosting Christmas at your house this year, etc. Nothing wrong with establishing strong boundaries with others to protect yourself emotionally.

There have been times where I've turned down my sister's invites to her home for Christmas, Easter, or Thanksgiving because I just didn't want to deal with my entire family's dysfunction. I made the mistake of going to her home for Thanksgiving this year, and was treated like a leper.

I don't even know if I'm invited to her house for Christmas Eve this year. She never calls me or contacts me. I always have to reach out to her. She intentionally doesn't invite me to her children's academic or sporting events, and if they ever ask me why I don't come, I directly have told them, "your mother didn't tell me about it." Which of course, pisses my sister off, but that's her problem. I'm not going to pretend to her children that their aunt and mother have a perfect sisterly relationship, as we just don't.

So, if spending time with your sister stresses you out, just be firm with her and tell her you're not hosting Christmas this year, etc. and limit the amount of time you spend with her. Life is too short to put yourself second, even to family members.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by imaginethat

Cielpur, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I don't know why family relationships have to be so difficult. My family is full of people who don't like each other!

I'm going to make one more attempt to have a rational conversation -- this time through email instead of a conversation where she can get loud and bite my head off.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's good to know I'm not alone, though I wish neither one of us had to deal with this situation.

You are not alone. My sister is hostile, aggressive, temperamental and often yells. I don’t deal well with it...in fact, I had panic attacks so bad at Thanksgiving that I couldn’t go over to her house. I just couldn’t put myself through it. I decided to limit my exposure to her at that time. Christmas Eve was surprisingly pleasant but I still stand by my limited exposure decision. Best wishes in coming to a decision that brings you peace and healing.

[Wild Coyote]

I have had a very hostile sister. Relentless for many years. Our mother was recently in a life-threatening situation. My sister changed her tune significantly. She has been around and helpful, even cheerful to be helping. It's been a nice break.
I hope you catch a break with your sister.

WC

[imaginethat]

Thank you, Jennifer.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

You are not alone. My sister is hostile, aggressive, temperamental and often yells. I don’t deal well with it...in fact, I had panic attacks so bad at Thanksgiving that I couldn’t go over to her house. I just couldn’t put myself through it. I decided to limit my exposure to her at that time. Christmas Eve was surprisingly pleasant but I still stand by my limited exposure decision. Best wishes in coming to a decision that brings you peace and healing.

[imaginethat]

It's good to hear that your sister showed signs of changing. That gives me hope.

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I have had a very hostile sister. Relentless for many years. Our mother was recently in a life-threatening situation. My sister changed her tune significantly. She has been around and helpful, even cheerful to be helping. It's been a nice break.
I hope you catch a break with your sister.

WC