[Carmina]

This is what's confusing for me. I'm told by my CPN my long standing depression may actually be bipolar but I don't have mania or psychotic symptoms. However I do accept that there are times when I am, for want of a better word, 'buzzing' - it usually happens when something stimulates me intellectually like a discussion with students (I teach and do research) - generally I am very socially phobic and introverted but an intelligent conversation can sometimes bring me out of that and for a while I do feel good - alive, connected, and like my mind is on fire and can take me anywhere. I get very creative and 'crystalline' in my thinking (ie I make lots of connections on a non linear level to create patterns) which can generate some intense and stimulating research conversations. Sometimes I get carried away when I feel like that and don't know my own limits as my inhibitions come down, I can be quite funny I'm told too when that happens. I do have a good dry sense of humour, I also take risks. Generally though it only lasts a few hours at most and it's not uncommon for me to fall quickly into a dark mood afterwards, like Icarus ascending (on 'beautiful foolish arms'), I have reached heights only to fall into a pit of blackness. I start to second guess and analyse what I've said and pull it apart, questioning everything about myself, beating myself up for any mistakes.

Is this hypomania or just feeling good, even if just for a while? I honestly can't tell.

What really worries me is if this is just as pathological as my depressed moods then have I ever really had 'just normal'? Are even my glimpses of good feelings and creativity just a lie?

[BatsBelfry]

My first reaction is that if a professional says you could have something, then you could have it. Other that that the short time period could be Borderline Personality Disorder and not BP.

[Shazerac]

I have that concern frequently. Once we get that bipolar diagnosis it's hard to trust ourselves. Am I just excited...or am I manic.

I got lucky recently and had a pdoc appointment right when I was have one of my suspicios upswings. I told her I was feeling nervous and kind of speedy, but having clear thoughts. She said I seemed stable to her. She did ask me if I was doing anything or thinking anything that I recognize as dangerous or risky behavior. I thought about and realized the the answer was no. I was just nervous because I was feeling up and on fire, and was afraid that it would turn into mania.

[Carmina]

Thanks - I'm dubious of what 'professionals' think, 'mental health' is not exactly a science and it was a possibility to explore, not a firm diagnosis anyway. But I'm also dubious of what i think - tbh I'm just not sure what to believe right now. Everything seems possible and impossible at the same time.

[UpDownAround]

I think I pretty much know; I get some physical manifestations - "the grins" and another sensation that is hard to put into words but it washes over me in a wave; kind of like a chill but not exactly. But in my opinion, happy is happy. I don't care if hypomania is involved or if my meds helped elevate my mood; depression sucks and happiness is awesome! If I am hypomanic, I do need to try to exercise more self control with respect to what I say and steer clear of some subjects (not that such attempts at self control are ever entirely successful). But I will not waste a good mood by introducing anxiety over its source.

I know I'm in hypomania territory when I can control the speed of my brain with music. It is a very different sensation than just enjoying music and feeling a lift. This is definitive for me.

[Questionable Quokka]

For my most recent mania, I only realised I was hypo after I switched very, very badly and lost a day.
I now listen a lot more to when those around me tell me I seem manic.
My understanding is that the periods of time between manic episodes can be very long. So if a professional thinks you may have a condition, it may not be fully apparent to you, yet.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by Carmina

This is what's confusing for me. I'm told by my CPN my long standing depression may actually be bipolar but I don't have mania or psychotic symptoms. However I do accept that there are times when I am, for want of a better word, 'buzzing' - it usually happens when something stimulates me intellectually like a discussion with students (I teach and do research) - generally I am very socially phobic and introverted but an intelligent conversation can sometimes bring me out of that and for a while I do feel good - alive, connected, and like my mind is on fire and can take me anywhere. I get very creative and 'crystalline' in my thinking (ie I make lots of connections on a non linear level to create patterns) which can generate some intense and stimulating research conversations. Sometimes I get carried away when I feel like that and don't know my own limits as my inhibitions come down, I can be quite funny I'm told too when that happens. I do have a good dry sense of humour, I also take risks. Generally though it only lasts a few hours at most and it's not uncommon for me to fall quickly into a dark mood afterwards, like Icarus
ascending (on 'beautiful foolish arms'), I have reached heights only to fall into a pit of blackness. I start to second guess and analyse what I've said and pull it apart, questioning everything about myself, beating myself up for any mistakes.

Is this hypomania or just feeling good, even if just for a while? I honestly can't tell.

What really worries me is if this is just as pathological as my depressed moods then have I ever really had 'just normal'? Are even my glimpses of good feelings and creativity just a lie?

——-I think the buzzing thing is hypo, I’ve had those racing thoughts, but many very creative people were bp. If u can harness it and use it, great. It’s tough for many of us because it causes warped thinking and gets us in trouble.
Of course it doesn’t mean you’ve never been stable. Stable is very peaceful.

[99fairies]

I have a VERY hard time knowing if I'm hypo or just feeling good. Those around me can only tell with my pressured speech that I get when hypo.

[CloserToTheMid]

It's hard for me to tell at first, but after a week or so, I get clues. If I'm any sort of manic, I start blogging and facebooking like crazy and I get a little too flirtatious. I also have a spouse who tells me when she's seeing it or not.

I was told by a psychologist that people with bipolar disorder can experience a lot of "mood lability". "Mood lability" as she defined it are periods when the mood seems elevated a little (or the opposite), but the full criteria for an episode is not met. Certainly if you just feel up for part of a day and then you're fine, that is not a diagnosable episode. Hypomanic episodes must consist of at least 3 symptoms in the DWS-5 list (if elated) or 4 symptoms (if mostly irritable) and last at least 4 days, with symptoms most or all of the day.

It would be a good idea to ask your psychiatrist about this mood lability to see if it's within a normal range of...normal excitement. Or, something else.